You're Not Elected, Charlie Brown

It doesn't matter whether you hunger for "change" or crave "experience"--Peanuts is for everyone.

AIRDATE: 10/29/72

STORY: Birchwood Elementary is about to nominate their choices for Student Body President, and no one is more ready for sweeping change than Sally Brown, who is a wreck over being too short to open her locker. Linus thinks Charlie Brown would make a good prez ("Stand up, Chuck!"), but a quick poll by Lucy reveals the brutal truth--he doesn't stand a chance. With a heart full of hope and affection, Sally immediately recommends Linus. Lucy takes another poll, bullying much of the school populace into supporting her little brother. One kid, however, cannot be cajoled. This big-haired blonde kid is Russell Anderson, and he will run against Linus.

The debates go off smashingly for our licorice-haired hero until he decides to devote some speech time to the Great Pumpkin. Predictably, he is met with scorn. Despite this faux pas, he still pulls out the win, 84-83, with the final, deciding vote cast by none other than Russell Anderson.

Sally's glee at her Sweet Baboo's ascension is short-lived. A trip to the principal's office makes it clear that no drastic shifts in power will be happening, and the new president will remember upon which side his toast is jellied or else. There is little Linus can do but capitulate, and litte Sally can do but be enraged. "He sold out!" A classic American tale...8.

ANIMATION: Basically flawless. Bright and bold, and don't you just love Lucy with the "Oswald's just been shot!" face? 10.

MUSIC: Mellow brilliance, sauntering around the school grounds with a supreme vibe of colorblast cool. Which reminds me, this special features the animated debut of one Joseph I. Cool, theme song in hand.


9.

VOICES: Chad Webber is a notable 9 for his perpetually-waking up Chuck. Stephen Shea is a fantastic Linus, jumping headfirst/feetlast into his oratorial spotlight with crazed relish. 10 fa sho.

Robin Kohn is 9 for a suitably peeved Lucy, while Hilary Momberger turns in another fantastic, 10 as Sally. "It's a known fact that, that all of our country's Presidents started their morning with a rousing breakfast." Seriously, Taft would eat a whole buffalo.

Todd Barbee, better known as Charlie Brown in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, is a serviceable 7.5 as Russell, the honorable loser. Brian Kazajian is Schroeder, and earns a 7, which is pretty much all a Schroeder voicer can hope for.

Finally, the great Linda Ercoli gets a 9 for Violet. She's arguably the greatest voice actor in the Peanuts reperatory, but is woefully underused as a school paper reporter, accounting for her less-than-perfect showing here.

ROCK THE VOTE. IF YOU DON'T VOTE, DON'T COMPLAIN. MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD.

--The original "Linus runs for office" storyline appeared in some strips from October 1964. Although there, Linus' profession of admiration for the generous fruit resulted in his blowing the election.

Really, in the history of political gaffes, Linus' is rather minor. At least he didn't show up to school in a tank, call Russell a "macaca", or joke about blowing up the high school across town. At least the kid believes in something, majority opinion be damned. There's something very profoundly sad about the way he laments, "It's depressing to think that there are students who don't believe in the Great Pumpkin." Lucy's reflection on the ultimately unfulfilling duties of the campaign worker are also incredibly insightful for a childrens show.

--It's impossible to root against Linus. "I will purge the kingdom! My administration will release us from our spiritual Babylon!" What happened to speeches like that? It's poetry, plain and simple.

--Arguably the greatest segment involves Linus and Lucy attending a talk-radio show set up by Snoopy (yeah, it totally makes sense). The goal is for the candidate to answer queries set forth by voters. The "y'know" caller is hilarious and still relevant, but best of all is the caller (with a voice sounding very Linus-y) who goes on and on about the glory of this opportunity to directly question a candidate, and how important it is to the cause of democracy...and then promptly forgets what question he wanted to ask.

YOUR VOTE MEANS NOTHING. IT'S ALREADY DECIDED WHO'S GOING TO RUN THINGS. IT'S BIGGER AND MORE COMPLEX THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE. STAY HOME AND EAT CHEETOS.

--Snoopy sez vote Clemson. I sez, fear the turtle.

--Where are the parents?!!

--Notice how the "not" looks thrown in at the last second in the title? That's 'cause it was. Yep, the show was originally going to be called You're Elected, Charlie Brown, until someone realized that Charlie Brown being named to any office would fly in the fat round face of all established as normal in the Peanuts universe. But while the title was able to be altered at the last minute, the brief title song could not be re-recorded. That's the kinda thing that can warp kids minds. Hopefully.

You're Not Elected is fresh out on DVD, and is worth every penny. Election day in America is Tuesday and I hope you get out and vote for who you want to represent the country.

It Was a Short Summer, Charlie Brown

The summer of 2008 was not short. It was, in fact, rather lengthy.

From late April to late July, I struggled through an initially mysterious weakness and pain that medication didn't make a dent in, and which four different doctors couldn't pinpoint precisely. The idea that I had everything from a tumor to MS to fibromyalgia ran through my mind, stretching the bright, hot days out to interminable length. Finally, a fifth physician was able to identify my condition as a mental and physical breakdown which could only be expected, as seeing I was not treating my mental disorder properly, and oh yeah, I have a neurological disorder too. I'm still on meds, still going to therapy, and still looking over my shoulder to see if that bulldozer is coming back on the road again. And there you have the Charlie Browniest moment of my life.

AIRDATE: 9/27/69

STORY: It's back to school, and back to work. The teacher wants the kids to write a 500-word "theme" on what they did over the summer. Through interspersed sequences of the Van Pelts scribbling at their desks, the scenes play out.

Lucy signs all the kids up for summer camp. ("I feel like I've been drafted", Linus moans.) While the girls (including the rarely-spotted Sophie and proto-Marcie Clara) are eager and focused, the boys (including the homie Shermy) are a hot mess. The prospect of challenging the girls in various athletic events cheers them up, however, and Charlie Brown acts as de facto coach, pepping up his comrades while snickeringly beseeching them to not beat up on those poor, weak girls too badly.

Swimming, softball and a nature hunt all end the same way, with the females victorious. The boys are desperate. Upon noticing Snoopy challenging (and beating) the rest of the fellas in arm wrestling, Charlie Brown's light bulb cracks. As the "Masked Marvel", Snoopy will challenge the girl representative in an arm wrestling duel. The girls pick Lucy, who pushes the Marvel to the sweaty, agonizing brink, until he reaches back into his reserves and plants a kiss on the horrified Lucy, leading her to pull her arm away, and the boys to claim a rather specious victory.

It's basically a strip idea stretched to the absolute limit...8.

ANIMATION: Jerky in spots, with some real baffling moments, such as Chuck's hangdog expression in this scene.

The arm wrestling scenes, however, are impeccably drawn and animated. In the special Happy Birthday, Charlie Brown, Schulz claimed it to be "the best animated scene in all the shows." Let's break it down.


The combatants locked in struggle.


Faces showing surprise and strain.


A superb close-up drawing, a new perspective in the short history of the Peanuts shows up to this point.


The sweat beads now virtually part of the air. The tension is unbearable!


Mwah!


Victory!

That is some good stuff, Bill Melendez. 8

MUSIC: The main theme is like some minor variation on "Peppermint Patty". That's not a complaint. The highlight comes when the bus rambles the kids to camp. The horn blasts that had been dominating the soundtrack fall off to be replaced by a pirouette of piano and flute when the site is reached. 9

VOICES: In his last appearance, Peter Robbins scores another 10 as Charlie Brown. Here he is by turns sarcastic, resigned, snarly...the perfect blockhead. Pamelyn Ferdin gets an 8 for her strangely cutesy Lucy, while an 8 is also in order for Glenn Gilger as brother Linus. Hilary Momberger makes a short but sweet Sally, scoring a perfect 10 for nailing all the preciousness, precociousness, petulance and peeved impatience that the character is known for ("I won't learn nuttin'!"). Christopher DeFaria continues the cavalcade of perfection with a faultless turn as that ineffably cool tomboy Peppermint Patty.

(Although they are animated and given voice, no credit is given to whomever did Schroeder and Shermy. No real loss, however; the Schroeder is unbearably high-pitched, and Shermy...well, who cares about Shermy.)

ALL SUMMER LONG

--Snoopy's one flight of fantasy here is as a bus driver. Here we get a glimpse into what Snoopy's ideal world would be. And it is? Everyone, man and animal, with Snoopy heads.





All of which makes me rethink that whole Snoopy as Unquestioned Lord and Master of the Universe thing.

--Stretchy legs!



--Check the names.



--After handing the boys their butts in softball, the glowing girls endeavor to cheer them up with a rousing rendition of "Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit Bag" (which appeared, sans vocals, in Great Pumpkin). Seated around the campfire, faces creased with dread, the boys eventually, joylessly join in.

CRUEL SUMMER

--The girls also break into a sort of sing-song when Charlie Brown presents the arm wrestling challenge. "Hey amateur. Are you the boys cham-peen? You better be better at wrist wrestling then you are at swimming, or ball-playing, or canoeing...." and it just continues until a red-faced Chuck paddles away in abject humiliation.

--"Team! Come on! Come on, team!" The pitiful way Charlie Brown tries to rally the troops sounds a lot like me watching the Minnesota Vikings this year.

--When the kids are gathered at the bus stop, and Linus says his hellos to Chuck and Sally, Charlie Brown says hi back. Why is that odd? 'Cause, he just talks over Linus! Poor blanket boy can barely get "Hi, Charlie Brown" out before blockhead's all "Hi Linus". How exceedingly rude. No wonder you lose as a rule.

--
Charlie Brown is proud of the great job he did pinning the map of Earth up on the wall.

She's a Good Skate, Charlie Brown

AIRDATE: 2/25/80

STORY: The first Peanuts special of the new decade wastes no time heralding the creative teams determination to explore within a fine-tuned formula. Just two years prior, What a Nightmare, Charlie Brown eliminated every kid on the block bar Chuck as it immersed the willing viewer on a wordless Call of the Wild. The opening moments of She's a Good Skate feature a sleek, delicate figure skating routine set to an even more precious orchestral backing. The young girl's clothes blend with the nascent morning sky. While her moves practically sing, her stubborn, steely coach is a ball of hyper-perceptive judgment on the sidelines. Regardless, his pupil has a refreshingly pragmatic understanding of her mentors grumpified airs. She knows that both of them are chasing one goal: an ice-skating championship trophy.

While it may seem odd that Peppermint Patty should enter a competition requiring grace of movement and the wearing of a dress, it really isn't. The desire to play and win is strong within her, and she will do whatever it takes to be a champion--even waking up at 4:30 AM to take cantankerous instruction from a dog, a training plan with obvious benefits (perfecting her routine) and detriments (falling asleep in class).

Patty never frazzles beyond the point of no return, although the pitfalls are considerable: hockey brutes on "her" pond, last-minute fretting over a suitable outfit, a mishap with the cassette player at the venue on the day of competition. Her patience and resolve pay off as she cops the trophy. Which rather looks like an Emmy with the globe ripped off and the ladys wings pulled back and twisted with industrial strength pliers. 10

ANIMATION: Linus has his security blanket, the very same that gave the world that term in the first place. It has come to indicate anything (or anyone) that provides solace that permeates beyond the physical comfort. The animation of this show is much like a security blanket for the story. The colors are season-appropriate; the children are drawn masterfully, not one stroke gone awry. Their actions and reactions are as "sensible" as one dare use such a word when discussing a cartoon. 10

MUSIC: Ed Bogas and Judy Munsen were like the Gerry Goffin/Carole King of childrens show music, except they weren't. As with any Peanuts special that they helmed the pit for, the sounds are very of their time, the playing and arrangements almost always competent but almost never spectacular, the exceptions coming when the instrumentation gets far too "busy" for such a steadily-paced program. 8.5

VOICES: Oh, this here is funky. Not Ohio Players circa Honey funky, or even armpits that smell like the dumpster out back of a Turkish restaurant funky. I mean more like seeing a snowman in the summertime. Or listening to--and I mean really listening to--a Big & Rich song.

Peppermint Patty and Marcie get the bulk of the lines here, with a brief pipe from their mutual crush (Lucy, Linus, Sally, and Schroeder are all shown in the audience cheering Patty on but do not speak). Despite having the greatest possible name anyone voicing Peppermint Patty could have, Patricia Patts only gets a 9. She's fine, but the bar is high. Blame Linda Ercoli and Gail DeFaria for that. Casey Carlson knocks it out of the park as Marcie, with just the right mixture of wit, concern, and pinheadedness. 10

The hockey bully is straight out of Race For Your Life...not really complaining. 9

Oh wait, I forgot some other speaking roles. No I didn't.

No I didn't.

IF SHE NAILS THAT LUTZ, I'M GONNA PLOTZ

--No one ever accused Peppermint Patty of especial creativity in confrontation. She'll just generally utter some playground insult and knock yer block off. Standing up to the hockey bullies, she gets off one of the best namecalls I've ever heard: "Get lost, neckhead!" Neckhead? Does that mean a head like a neck, or that your neck is bigger than your head? It's brilliant either way, one of those exclamations that will send the target reeling mentally as he or she tries to figure out if they should feel insulted and if so, exactly how insulted they should feel.

--No one ever accused Peppermint Patty of having a reasonable sense of self-worth. The night before the competition she freaks out over needing a dress sewn up, a task Marcie takes on, fails horribly at, then of course is completed to OTT perfection by Snoopy. She also complains that her hairstyle needs a Higgins, because it is so "mousey-blah". The way she runs that phrase together makes it sound French.

--No one ever accused producers of getting it right the first time. The initial name of this special was "She's a Winner, Charlie Brown", until someone surely realized that the word "winner" and the name "Charlie Brown" not only do not go together, they have a rather cobra vs. mongoose relation to one another. Gotta love, also, the very Schulzian ring "She's a good skate". Not a good skater, mind you. How friggin' Minnesota.

--Unlike Lisa Simpson, Patricia Reichardt has no beef with Vassar.

--Patty's superbly fluid skating sequences were done with the relative magic of rotoscoping, a technique that would be revisited on the unsung classic It's Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown. (The model in this case was Amy Schulz.)

--"Even the ice is still asleep at 4:30." I fucking love you, Marcie.

--Snoopy Fassi. "I'll show you how to do this."

--Someone switched Snoopy's tape of Illmatic with Electric Youth.

--When Patty's tape gets mangled and disqualification looms, a quick-on-his-wings Woodstock takes to the mic and whistles out a grand accompaniment for a prize-winning glide around the rink: "O Mio Babbino Caro", a piece from Puccini's opera Gianni Schicchi. Just proving yet again that where there's a will, there's a way to write yourself into it. Not content to wing it--holy shit I'm hilarious--Schulz and friends got a pro to deliver this command performance: professional whistler Jason Serinus. Try writing that on a tax return sometime under "occupation".

I DISLIKE OLYMPIC ATHLETES WHO WHINE OVER WINNING SILVER AND BRONZE MEDALS. AT LEAST IT'S A MEDAL! SERIOUSLY, THE FOURTH PLACE FINISHER WOULD PERFORM ORAL FAVORS ON A FARM ANIMAL TO GET THAT BRONZE FROM YOU.

--I have one problem with Good Skate, but it's not insignificant. Adult voices can be heard in this special. Speaking clearly, not that "wah wah" stuff. Lucid, perfectly enunciated, bizarro Jimmy Onishi English. There's the teacher, a store employee and finally the emcee at the event. Unfathomable. Focusing a show on a so-called "second tier" character is an unorthodox choice that works, much like I Want a Dog For Christmas 23 years later. The decision to interject grown up voices into the special is the only blemish on the whole 25 minutes, but it's one that's an absolute bitch to treat. I still cringe a little when I hear them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Patricia Reichardt is an odd duck in the (sometimes frozen) pond. She has Charlie Brown's desire to be loved, Linus' faith, Lucy's temper, Snoopy's hope. She lacks Charlie Brown's athletic ineptitude, Linus' intellectualism, Lucy's girlishness, and Snoopy's luck in landing a taciturn best friend. She rocks striped shorts and shirts, hippie chick sandals, and freckles that dot her face like sunspots. Her hair is unmanageable; her voice is a ball of bubble wrap being lovingly prepared for popping by a pair of mischievous hands. She has two nicknames: one that everyone calls her and one that only one person calls her. As irrelevant as parents are in the Peanuts galaxy, at least the other kids have a complete set of them. Patty only has her father, a man given to spoil his only child in both material and emotional ways. Almost everything about her musses up the tidy neurotic world of Charlie Brown and friends. She's swaggering, brash, a be-all to-all tomboy who worries about calories only after she's eaten the meal.

But to type her as a young girl of negligible feminity is to ignore the deep-seated yearnings inherent in any females soul. She's a Good Skate opened up a new drawer, the one at the bottom of the dresser that practically no one gets around to using. From it was pulled the desire to be a beautiful, desirous young lady that exists uneasily alongside the drive to succeed in areas not traditionally considered appropriate for girls (that would be the contents of the top drawer). Patty will always value a no-hitter over a triple axle...but she's too interested and interesting to not try both.

Some of the latterly Peanuts specials had critics and fans scratching their heads off premises alone: a Flashdance take off? Snoopy's nightmare? Linus at a birthday party? With Good Skate, the inspiration could not get more pure. In the following links, you will find the series of 27 daily strips from November 4th to December 7th, 1974 that detail Patty's journey from the cold and lonely pond out back to the world of competitive skating (one of the longest runs in the history of the strip, showing how much Charles Schulz loved writing for the character).

You will note some key omissions as you read. For instance, in the very first strip, Patty makes the ultimate testament for the worth of Title IX; she also makes a brief, wistful reference to her absent mother; and finds time to zing the NHL.

Of course, as you progress from one strip to the next you will notice key twists that simply couldn't fit within the limited TV time the producers had, which just makes the panels that more special. It would have been delightful to see Marcie stammer and faint from her own sweethearted prudishness, for one; however, for those of us lucky enough to partake of the immaculate panels as hungrily as we do of the made-for-box moving pictures, we can consider these moments our own little secret. Especially the real conclusion of the story.

Enjoy the rest; number 337 ranks on my top 20 favorite Peanuts dailies.

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Charlie Brown Snoopy Peanuts

What A Nightmare, Charlie Brown

AIRDATE: 2/23/78

This author's nightmares are free of splatterfest horrifics--no buckets o' blood, no miscreations, no death whatsoever. My dreadful visions reek of familiarity, hitting close to heart and home, a subconscious naturalism drenching the stuttering proceedings until I awaken with a blunt sense of horror still striking a pose in my brain.

It was my most recent nocturnal fright (combined with the season) that inspired this review. Much like Snoopy, my nightmare was birthed from intestinal discomfort. Our ghastly forced fantasies also shared a menacing adult male figure (although mine was fully visible).

My mother and I watched breathlessly from the far end of the upstairs hallway as a mustachioed man in his early 40s with circular specs and a pedo hairchop emerged from the bathroom. He walked towards us. Unusually in my experiences, the entire sequence unfolded in black and white. A .38 caliber pistol gleamed whitest of all in his hand; his smile suggested the ceaseless joy of a new father as he waved it around. Mere inches from us, he finally took aim.

Instinctively I reached out and clutched the weapon. The wrestling of our hands forced the gun upward. I waited for a report that never came. No blast, no blaze. Finally, the man's face fell in anguish and he placed the barrel of the gun into his mouth. I heard myself speak the first and only words of this dream: "Do it, then, do it!" Which turned out to be a bad move on my part, as encouragement to abandon his shell for the great unknown seemed to galvanize the bastard. The fact that a person so wanted him dead seemed to give him a reason to live--and to kill.

He jerked his head up with the frightening speed of a triggered trap snap and began fighting me anew, eyes set in a clairvoyant glare. And then...nothing more.

STORY: Snow blankets the neighborhood, and Charlie Brown wants to go sledding with Snoopy. The world famous beagle would much rather sleep, especially when he realizes that his owner expects him to do all the work. Repeated attempts to convince Snoopy how awesome it would be to pull him through the snow result in Charlie Brown harnessed up at the mercy of the whip.

A smugly satisfied Snoopy unwinds with dinner: five pepperoni and onion pizzas and an egg creme to wash it all back. All the while, Charlie Brown bemoans his plight: "You're an overly civilized dog, Snoopy", he admonishes, hearkening back to his earlier statement that if Snoopy lived in the Great White North, he'd be part of a pack expected to travel great distances under duress, with no time or room for sleeping all day or fighting in a World War.

Snoopy is thoroughly nonplussed, and heads off to bed. Almost instantly, his tummy reacts naturally to the speedy consumption of food and the discomfort travels throughout his system until it shocks his brain into a nightmare, the jolt jarring loose the part of his brain that actually retains what the round-headed kid says.

Suddenly, a large menacing shadow appears and whips Snoopy off the doghouse and into the brutal Alaskan winter. He is harnessed and placed amid a pack of Huskies. The facts of his size and breed do not matter; he is a dog, and thus must do his job.

The climate and workload are rough enough for the pampered beagle; the rancorous isolation he is forced into by his unaccommodating packmates almost breaks Snoopy's spirit completely. He seeks escape and almost finds it when the driver stops at a saloon. Typical Snoonanigans ensue, but ultimately he's out set out on his ass and back in the pack.

At the next rest stop, Snoopy has resigned himself to fate. Instead of letting the bigger, meaner dogs bully him away from the fish and water, he bares his teeth and ruffles his fur to show them he can hang and bang. When it comes time to hit the trail again, Snoopy places himself in the position of lead dog and dares challengers to approach. With the littlest beagle that could leading the charge, the journey continues.

Snoopy's triumph is short-lived; a daring dash across a frozen body of water is not ballsy or quick enough to elude the cracking ice. Down into the frigid waters go the man and his Huskies. Snoopy tries harder than he knows how to pull them up, but inevitably must abandon the hero role and concentrate on saving his own hide. Just as his anguished cries give way, the nightmare ends.

A feverish pantomime to Charlie Brown and lovingly-prepared chocolate fudge sundae later, Snoopy is finally able to rest peacefully. He is no wiser. He's your dog, Charlie Brown. 9

MUSIC: This is when Ed Bogas and Judy Munsen were not confident enough to completely abandon what made Peanuts music so effective. The 1920s style harmonica-heavy soundtrack needs to work from the jump, as over 90% of the show is dialogue-free. Thankfully, the moods set by the music are appropriately realized and placed. 8. Also, how remiss would your girl be if she didn't give love to "Overlycivilized, Underlydogified Dog" as sung by Larry Finalyson? "Bring out the boowwls! Sharpen the kniiiiiiiiives!"

ANIMATION: Winter is my favorite season, and seeing it animated is no less enjoyable. The dogs are wonderfully drawn, and Snoopy's tranformation into a rabid beast is both reality-stretching and hilarious. Again, in a special so free of verbals, the expressions and actions take center stage. If they fail to entertain, the viewer won't hang around. The animators do a fantastic job in making Snoopy's nocturnal catacomb engaging. 10

VOICES: This is easy, there's only one (Bill Melendez' Snoopy, as always, excepted): Liam Martin as Charlie Brown. He gets a 7 in a limited role. "Hey! Hey! Hey!"

CAN YOU IMAGINE, LIKE, IF IT WAS LIKE LIGHT OUT FOR THE WHOLE DAY? LIKE WHEN YOU WOKE UP IT WAS LIGHT OUT AND WHEN YOU WENT TO SLEEP IT WAS STILL LIGHT OUT? LIKE CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING A BARBECUE AT 2 AM BUT IT'S LIKE TOTALLY LIGHT OUT?

--I don't say or think "Bitch, please" anymore. Not since I saw this show again. I just get the same stance as Snoopy in the above capture. The ineffable cool of Snoopy could not be seized more perfectly.

--Would you eat even one onion and pepperoni pizza, much less five?


--

You gotta love just grabbing whole pizzas and eating them. Who the hell just takes an entire pie by one hand and says, "Yeah, time to grub!" It's called "slice at a time", Snoop.

--The sequence with Snoopy in the saloon is the highlight of the show. From playing "The Washington Post March" on the PlayerPiano (does The Baltimore Sun have a march? More likely a rag) to the doomed poker game.




--One day, Jebus willing, we will see these scenes come to vivid life on a very special "Animals Fight Back" edition of America's Funniest Videos.





There are few things in the world I find funnier than animals going after kids. Seriously. Not to the point where the children are injured, but just knocking them down or dragging them across the backyard. They got it coming, trust me. Every time. Might teach them to respect our little furry friends.

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I'D LIKE THAT DARK ALL THE TIME STUFF. LIKE YOU WAKE UP IT'S DARK AND YOU GO OUTSIDE IT'S LIKE ALWAYS DARK. LIKE WHEN MR. BURNS BLOCKED OUT THE SUN THEN HE GOT SHOT AND THE BABY DID IT, LIKE WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. I MIGHT GO CRAZY IF IT WAS DARK ALL THE TIME.

--You think this part scared some kids?




--

I know it's Snoopy, but...that's disgusting.


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This special was inevitable. Er? Yes, I believe so.

"Unfortunately, the balance of nature decrees that a super-abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares"--Peter Ustinov

Snoopy is one of the greatest dreamers in history. His list of personas could fill a nice slab of memorial wall. There seems no world he is unwilling or unable to step into and immerse himself into completely, no role he can't play with swaggering relish. In that light, it can be assumed that this particular slice of hell was cut from a sizable pie.

Charlie Brown Snoopy Peanuts

There's No Time For Love, Charlie Brown

AIRDATE: 3/11/73

STORY: One of the most oddly-paced specials in the long history of Peanuts on television starts out with Peppermint Patty lamenting to Charlie Brown that "there's no time for love". Jump to a succession of classroom scenes that redefines the term "staying true to the source material". At one school sit Linus, Lucy, Charlie Brown and Sally; at the other, Marcie, Peppermint Patty and Franklin. Despite the remove, all the kids share a basic common-sense disgust at the tedium of education and proclivity for exasperated exclamations.

Seven minutes in, class is dismissed. Charlie Brown is in dire educational straits; the upcoming field trip to an art museum is weighing his head down ever lower than usual, as he must ace the report due after or fail the whole class for that year.

Marcie is also nervous, albeit only about the journey itself. Peppermint Patty assures her that the teachers organize students via a "buddy system", and there is no doubt that they will be paired up. Now armed with a new anxiety--letting down her "buddy"--Marcie wakes up at 4 AM and races over to Patty's house.

Hours later, buses line up to deposit the eager youths crammed within. Sally is as always existentially self-absorbed, much to her big bro's chagrin. The mild drama surrounding the Brown siblings holds up not only them, but also Patty, Marcie and Snoopy. (Why is Snoopy there, you wonder, after all he's not a student. He's there 'cause he's Snoopy. Capice?) Soon they find themselves standing alone outside and unsure which set of doors to enter. Following Charlie Brown's logic that "It must be on the right, it's the closest" they proceed into...a supermarket.

As the other kids enjoy the paintings and sculpture, our quizzical quintet wander the aisles, aghast at the "clearance" prices of these doubtless precious works. Love is the elephant in the market, however, and Peppermint Patty's encroaching somnolence leads her to cajole Charlie Brown. Soon after she conks sitting up against a shelf of cans, he wanders off to take in some more fine art in the frozen foods. Meanwhile, Snoopy is ringing up customers and checking the freshness of fruit en route to getting his leg stuck in a shopping cart. Sheer and utter.

Marcie and Sally find Peppermint Patty and wake her up--it is time to go. Where's Charlie Brown? No one knows, but Marcie lets slip something she thinks she knows: that Patty has a crush on the shy non-achieving boy. Patty's reply still has the crust over its eyes:

"How could anybody ever be in love with boring, dull, wishy-washy old Chuck?" Ha Ha Herman. Charlie Brown just happens to be in the next aisle and walks away, dejectedly. Peppermint Patty, with an assist from Marcie, figures out what 2 plus itself is and realizes what she has inadvertently done.

The bus ride back is depressingly reflective for both Chuck and Patty; he has not only been insulted by a girl, he faces being held back a grade if his report is not up to snuff. She just "hate[s] to hurt anyone's feelings" and proposes that she and Marcie invite Charlie Brown over to work on their respective reports.

This latter gathering is a greater success; Marcie gives Chuck a kiss on the walk home ("If you want that kiss to be from me, Charles, consider it a good-night kiss from Peppermint Patty. 'Cause I think she likes you.").

The next day is a return to the dregs when Charlie Brown realizes, watching Linus' slides of the field trip, that he and the others were in fact in a supermarket. The dread that pools up in the center of his body evaporates when his report garners the only A of the entire class for its "genius" analogy of the artwork to food in a supermarket.

The show ends as it began, Patty and Chuck underneath a tree waxing philosophical-like. Her tentative ruminations on even more timid feelings are undermined when Charlie Brown brings up the Little Red-Haired Girl.

"I can't stand you, Chuck!"

That's love. Or at least it's damn convinced it is. 10

MUSIC: The slow, loping jazz of Vince Guaraldi...now with 65% more electric piano. "Linus and Lucy" and "Peppermint Patty" are two of the standards cutting a rug up with Vince's new favorite instrument, joining a dance floor packed with new tunes. None is more enchanting than "Pitkin County Blues", the lengthy funk that snakes underneath the classroom bits. If you don't already have it, please pick up Vince Guaraldi and the Lost Cues From the Charlie Brown Television Specials. In addition to the envelope filter-frenzy of the aforementioned "Pitkin", it contains a few other cues from this special and many other rare gems. (If only it contained the caffeine-blasted "Peppermint Patty" heard here! Ah well.) 10

ANIMATION: From the bodies of the familiar denizens of the Peanuts universe, to the artwork in the museum, to the goods on sale in the market, the overall look is subdued and smudged. It nudges you instead of poking you in the ribs. The story is so strong it doesn't need to. 9.5

VOICES: Two characters made their animated debut in this li'l ol' show: Marcie and Franklin. While the latter has very little to say, and thus can't be fairly more than an 8 for the efforts of Todd Barbee, Marcie is the conscience of the program. Her lines are delivered in a sweetly measured, hilariously hesitant tone (especially towards the end) as she tries to keep the peace between her best friend and the boy she likes. Even better, Marcie was voiced by a boy, Jimmy Aherns. 10.

Peppermint Patty is impossible to fuck up, so Christopher DeFaria should keep the 9 I give him in perspective. I wonder if he and Jimmy Aherns still talk, bonded as they are by having female Peanuts characters in their credits.

Lucy and Linus are used sparingly; 8 and 9 for the respective efforts of Robin Kohn and Stephen Shea as the quarrelsome siblings. Hilary Momberger gives a performance of Sally that improves minute by minute, up to a solid 8 by the end. Last but far from least is Chad Webber's turn as Charlie Brown. Wishy-washy uber alles and he utters the most quintessential-sounding "Oh good grief!" ever in this one. 10.

"LOVE IS THE WISDOM OF THE FOOL, AND THE FOLLY OF THE WISE"

--Some tremendous kid yak from the school bits:

"By the time we grow up, the metric system will probably be official." (That's a timeless joke that Schulz could not have ever suspected would be timeless when he wrote it, seeing as he didn't mean it as a joke in the first place.)

"Who is the father of King Henry the Fourth? I could not possibly care less!"

--

Ah, so ya like the Cardinal, eh? Wish Pat Donovan would give ya a tumble, eh?



Oh, I see...you basically root for the entire state of California. (John Elway totally banned his kids from watching this growing up.)

--



Snoopy don't need no words!

--Fun superfan fact. On the ride back, Peppermint Patty refers to Charlie Brown as, well, "Charlie Brown". I'll have to go through the specials and make sure, but this may be the only time she calls him anything other than "Chuck".

--Speaking of General Blockhead, he is shown eating BAM Cereal. Years later, Schulz would take the naming of breakfast grains to a whole other level when Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown depicted a box of Corn Pow cereal.

--

"How much more pimptastic could this be, Linus? And the answer is none. None more pimptastic."

--The most jawache-inducing part of the whole 25 minutes is Peppermint Patty's impromptu scolding of the woefully philistine Marcie.



"Marcie, that's pop art! Don't you know Pop Art when you see it?"

"LOVE IS A HOLE IN THE HEART"

--The close, unlikely proximity of a museum to a supermarket reminds of me of my trip to Portland, Oregon two years back, when I stumbled upon a Mexican restuarant connected to a strip club that featured the most "unimpressed by naked chicks" clientele ever.

--How does the A on Charlie Brown's report go from this....



to this...



I personally suspect that he had the teacher rewrite the grade on a separate, smaller sheet of paper so he could gaze proudly upon it and not the actual work that earned it for him.

--

"Why aren't you featured in the credits, sir?"

"I have no idea, Marcie. And quit calling me 'sir'!"

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The jerky pacing and plot absurd enough to rouse a chuckle from the specter of Rabelais are the reasons this special succeeds for me, whereas another viewer may find the patchwork nature of the story jarring and may also not be able to suspend disbelief enough to enjoy the supermarket/museum confusion. The sensitive soul of Peanuts is here in abundance, but with a twist that befits a show heavy on the Peppermint Patty. It's not a special that you will likely appreciate on first viewing (ex., the holiday trilogy, Charlie Brown's All Stars) but give it a few spins in the DVD player before you render a final verdict.

Charlie Brown Snoopy Peanuts

Someday You'll Find Her, Charlie Brown

AIRDATE: 10/30/81

STORY: Charlie Brown spends a lazy day watching a (presumably) local football game on TV. Linus is hanging out with his head buried in a book. In the waning seconds of the game, Chuck's imagination is seized by a two-second shot of a girl sitting in the stands. Mania subsumes sense and Charlie Brown is practically hysterical at the thought of never knowing the identity of this mini-Freya. Proactive Chuck Brown, come on down!

Grudgingly, Linus agrees to help his friend on his quest. Once they've arrived at the 80,000 capacity stadium where that day's game was held, the pair (not necessarily aided and abetted by Snoopy and Woodstock) are able to locate the exact section where the girl was seated--Tunnel 13, Charlie Brown's favorite number--and the family who hold season tickets to the row where said seat was located.

But any investigation spearheaded by the same boy who misspelled "beagle" at a nationwide spelling bee is destined for false hopes and wrong turns.

The address they have takes them to a duplex. Charlie Brown cannot bring himself to gaze directly into the eyes of his incandescent angel, so Linus agrees to knock on the door. The girl who answers is far from ravishing; indeed, she has more the look and sound of one of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel's several dozen offspring. Hope does not abandon the boys yet, however, as it turns out this unsightly young girl was not actually at the game, her seat instead taken by her cousin. Riding a bus ensues.

By this time, Charlie Brown's cheeks have a perma-blush caused by the desire pinballing off and around his pumpkin-head. Thus, when the next door Linus knocks on opens to reveal a tall, blonde girl with an overly-rouged visage, it seems that, yes, this must be her! A little older-looking, perhaps, but since when did true love bow to the tyranny of age?

Except...not only is she also not the one, she's offended at the idea she should be little more than an object of worship for some little stupid kid. Besides, she tells Linus, it was probably her friend who lives at "Happy Valley Farm".

With a palpable sense of "now or never", a nerve-shot Charlie Brown and barely-interested Linus approach the farm, Snoopy and Woodstock somehow still hanging in there with them. gnarly cat with a spiked collar does his best to intimidate the shit out of everyone, but finally Charlie Brown and Linus work out their system of communication. When the girl answers the door, Linus will look back at Chuck. If he gives affirmation, Linus will tell her all about his super nice friend who just happened to fall in total batshit crazy perpetual-eternal love with her after seeing her on a television for two seconds.

The lass who opens the door is a petite blonde holding a pink blanket. Now it is Linus who is instantly smitten. Without further thought to the skittish boy in the zig-zag shirt hanging around just outside the white picket fence, he accepts her invitation inside. It is deep dark night before he leaves. Once on the way home with Charlie Brown, Linus seems to have forgotten his buddies infatuation entirely, as he can do naught but yammer on in the lilting tone of the recently taken lovesick about sweet, kind, loving Mary Jo. Charlie Brown resigns himself to yet another loss and closes out the show with bittersweet recitations from a book on love. 9; not a 10 only because the anticlimactic resolution in the conflict between Charlie Brown and Linus is completely in-line with the Peanuts universe, but not personally satisfying to me as a viewer. It's hard to watch Linus just be so freaking oblivious after he's spent hours being dragged around on a hunt he protested as frivolous from the very start, merely because he fell head over heels for the treasure once it was found.

Then again, Thomas Fuller once wrote, "Love requires Boldness, and scorns Bashfulness." I'm sure Schulz approved.

MUSIC: Light fluffy piano, lighter martial-style drums and horns, some ragtime shit for Snoopy (fits, though) and a rare standalone song: "(When I Feel Most) Alone" by Becky Reardon, a soul-searer that accompanies nicely animated scenes of Charlie Brown looking for his dad's razors. 8

ANIMATION: Dry, but serviceable. As the protagonists have to do a lot of traveling in this one, the background is filled with Peanuts novelties like traffic and buildings other than the kids homes and schools. The attention to detail isn't very noteworthy, but the colors are tastefully bold throughout. There's just something about the clash of yellow and black with red and blue whenever Charlie Brown and Linus are together that grabs my eye. 9

VOICES: There are only five speaking roles in this special, a triumph of economy--but not quality. Charlie Brown as peformed by Grant Wehr only gets a 7.5; he's fine, but Peppermint Patty-ish at times. Earl Reilly as Linus also gets 7.5; too amorphous. He only hits his stride at the end, when he steals his best friends girl.

Said girl, Mary Jo, appears barely over a minute. In that time, it's not hard to see what Charlie Brown's gut was telling him. She's charming and adorable, a female Linus with blanket in tow. To resist the pull is to be inhuman. And the girl who voiced her is named Jennifer Gaffin. As a rule, girls named Jennifer rule. 8.5

The two "false start" girls are voiced by Melissa Strawmeyer and Nicole Eggert. Yes...that Nicole Eggert. 6 and 4, respectively. Meh and feh. Weak and sauce.

"LOVE IS A SHADOW. HOW CAN YOU LIE AND CRY AFTER IT?"


--Hey guys! I wouldn't leave those two alone, I think they might be prone to shenanigans!

--"Two seconds is all you need to fall in love." "Especially when it happens every week."

--You know Charlie Brown's lost it when he asks Snoopy questions and seriously expects him to answer.

--I got yer mixed martial-arts right here, pal.











"ETERNAL PASSION! ETERNAL PAIN!"

--Mere moments after seeing her for the first time ever, Charlie Brown wails to Linus that the mystery girl in the stands is "the only true love of his life". Forget redheads much, Chuck?

--At various times throughout, both Charlie Brown and Linus refer to the image of Mary Jo on the screen as a "honey shot", a slang term in the business that seems to have been forever abandoned. Too close to "money shot", perhaps.

----------------------------------------------------

Well, that's almost it for the Peanuts lovefest this week. Tomorrow this week of swooning at Trapper Jenn MD comes to a close with a review of There's No Time for Love, Charlie Brown, the very pinnacle of them all.


Charlie Brown Snoopy Peanuts

Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown

AIRDATE: 1/28/75

STORY: For being the first Peanuts special to tackle this most tortuous of holidays, it gets a 10.

There are six intersecting couples of interest (not all the parties willing, however): Lucy and Schroeder, Linus and Sally, Linus and Miss Othmar, Snoopy and Woodstock (more playful), Violet and unnamed teacher, Charlie Brown and whoever will send him a freakin' valentine.

At my elementary school, we would acknowledge Valentines Day by handing out our cards personally, milling around during punch and cookies. If anybody got dissed, nobody else had to know. Unless the poor shunned schmuck decided to roll into a ball of whine near the cubbys and emit the occasional agonized wail until his mother had to come mutter some comforting words as she dragged him out by his collar. That memory still makes me laugh. I bet that kid peed the bed a lot.

Well, at Charlie Brown's house of education, the students put their paper hearts into a big box and some lieutenant of love (Schroeder, in this case) calls out the names of fortunate recipients as he delivers valentines. This is practically a set up, as poor Charlie Brown--clutching a briefcase in anticipation of an overflow of superficial affection--has to sit by and see everyone get theirs, waiting and waiting for his name to be called. It never is.

The girls realize that no one deigned bless Chuck with a valentine and are overcome with guilt. After school, they gather around and present Charlie Brown with a "pity valentine". Despite the righteous indignation expressed by Schroeder (yeah, bros before hoes, you go piano man), the poor blockhead gratefully accepts the thrown bone.

He tells Linus that this may be the start of something wonderful for the lonesome loser, the first trickling of a veritable wave. But the blanket-dependant will hear none of it. His hopes to be with his beloved teacher, Miss Othmar, were dashed when he saw her drive off with her boyfriend.

MUSIC: This is not the standard Vince Guaraldi. Tinkling 88s have been replaced by electric piano and crystal-gleam synthesizers. Regardless of the instrument used, the soundtrack is playful and cheery (even as the action twists knives), a sort of hokey-pokey as seduction method. Classical music pops up three times over the course of the show, never sounding awkward. (For the quiz-minded: Bach during Snoopy's carousel; Chopin during the Pawpet Theatre; and Beethoven for Schroeder being Schroeder.) 10

ANIMATION: The drawings are superb. You know this already. The marvel lies in the colors, thatches of red and purple, deep in more ways than one, the very hues of hearts, veins and blood. 10

VOICES: This is a special where the story sustains the voice actors, rather than the two running neck-and-neck. Duncan Watson and Stephen Shea do Charlie Brown and Linus much deeper than their predecessors; it fits the sage Linus a little better. 8 and 8.5, respectively.

Melanie Kohn does a fine Lucy (9) while Lynn Mortensen's Sally is more mature. Which is fine (8), but I do love when Sally has the voice of a child so obviously struggling with phonetics, and putting accents on the most random syllables.

The most pleasant surprise is the job Greg Felton does with Schroeder. It's nice to see the tow-headed boy wonder standing for a change, and Felton delivers his lines naturally. 9

Although she doesn't have as much opportunity to shine (really just two talks with Linus), the only 10 goes to Linda Ercoli for voicing Violet. Ercoli is one of the finest voice actors the producers ever lucked into, in the pocket and out of the park everytime. She gives instant credibility and personality from word one.

"I LOVED TWO COOKIES ONCE"


Midway through the action, Lucy decides that even crabby girls need to be entertained. Luckily for her, Snoopy is feeling feisty and Charlie Brown has decided to rest his ulcers. Presenting....dah dah dah! Pawpet Theatre!

Snoopy is the consummate showman. In addition to pawpets, he makes the experience interactive. If it's raining, the audience will get wet. If it's muddy, the audience will get dirty. And if there's a crash, expect a trash bukkake.

--It's not all grimy for our girl, though. One of the best strips in Peanuts history gets animated in this special, giving Lucy a spotlight she is loathe to relinquish.

"Sometimes I don't think you realize that you could lose me. Are you sure you want to suffer the tortures of the memories of a lost love? Do you know the tortures of the memories of a lost love? It's awful! It will haunt you night and day! You'll wake up at night screaming! You can't eat! You can't sleep! You'll want to smash things! You'll hate yourself and the world and everybody in it! Awwwwww! Are you sure you want to risk losing me?"

All that said while she stomps Schroeder's piano beyond recognition. If the Lucy/Schroeder pairing was a sadistic treat before, the revelation via David Michaelis' Schulz that the tense, one-way relationship was in fact based on Schulz' doomed first marriage enriches their circuitous dance by the addition of an almost too-real (for something that utilizes strictly children) element, the artist finding a muse in an unhappy woman whom he was better able to communicate with via his creation than actual conversation. Or would have been better able to communicate, if she'd had the inkling to read the strip. Hmmm.

--Sally receives a candy heart that hilariously bears the entirety of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's "How Do I Love Thee?" She recites the text with dogged determination, which of course calls for a little reenactment job by Snoopy, who just happens to be walking around the perimeter of the school when he overhears romantic poetry and springs into action.


"I'll balance ice cream cones on my feet if you read some Wallace Stevens next, sweetie."

--Schroeder calls out some unfamilar names as he hands out valentines. But they sure weren't random.

Phil (Roman, the director)
Monte
Jill
Amy (Three of the Schulz children)
Sam (Jones, animator)
Lee (Mendelson, executive producer)
Pat (possibly Patricia Long, animator)
and Joanne Lansing (painting supervisor)
Linda (Ercoli, possibly)

That leaves only the names Laura, Tom and Evelyn as mysteries.

"FRIVOLOUS MINDS ARE WORN BY TRIFLES"



--Really, Sally? I sure don't. I mean, that's the city that gave us Nelly and Kurt Warner and the Blues and East St. Louis.

--Per Linus: "The amount of money you spend on a present should be in direct proportion to the amount of affection you have for that person." Poppycock. Love means never having to say, "I hope I got enough left on my card for this."

--When Charlie Brown doesn't receive any valentines in the mail, he insists on running his stubby hands all around, as if he will unlock a secret compartment, some nook and or cranny that the paper fell into. Likewise, after the disaster at school, he goes over to glare into the box, shake it, and once again run his fingers inside, across the bottom and around the sides, refusing to accept the obvious. We all have not only done something like this...we continue to do it.


--"Valentines For Those We Love...Chocolate Covered Fugu For Those We Hate"

--------------------------------------

This show really struck a chord back when it first aired. Children from all over mailed valentines to "Charlie Brown" out of compassion and love. The storyline stands for now and always even as customs change, because longing for affection will always exist, as basic to human survival as breathing and eating. Charlie Brown is not wanting one particular person to give him a cute drawing surrounding syrupy doggerel...he just wants it from someone, anyone. For all the pathetic trees and rock-filled bags, this just may be Charlie Brown at his most sympathetic.

Charlie Brown Snoopy Peanuts