Monday, December 22, 2014

Working For the Week: The Music of Shonen Knife


POP TUNE 
6/6/2012

For real deal--some jobs are never done.

Never judge a book by its cover, a film by its cinematography, or a record label by its owner.  Good Charamel Records was started in 2003 by Goo Goo Dolls bassist/co-founder Robby Takac.  (You may remember the Goo Goo Dolls from such wretched songs as every single one they ever recorded.)  Good Charamel's impressive streak of eight years without releasing a single album I cared about ended when they put out Shonen Knife's 18th studio offering, Pop Tune.

"Welcome to the Rock Club"--Drum beat, it's a rock beat.  Welcome to the raw crab, indeed.  Fists stomp, feet pump, words do-si-do.  Naoko Yamano is a goddess in her own mind, which is the only requirement.  Asian buffets replace Colombian ones and stuffed animals occupy the bed-space the lesser deities might reserve for sleazoid leech-types.

"Pop Tune"--Pop having wistful thoughts of punk.  Memories that wrap 'round rather than smother.  The women of Shonen Knife are superheroes with no traceable villains, tailoring melodies for episodes of a lovably off-kilter animated series favored by viewers with the eternal kernel of childhood popping forever about.

(Might have been no call for that key change, but there was a text for it.)

"Osaka Rock City"--"I need more excitement," goes the litany.  Not terribly enticing the first few swings, but after I loaded up an animated gif of a dancing Snoopy and let it loop whilst playing this 'un, the enjoyment level increased exponentially.  As the enjoyment level is wont to do whenever dancing Snoopy is in the vicinity.

"All You Can Eat"--The organic peculiarity of the Knife means a song titled "All You Can Eat" was inevitable.  That it features a kazoo solo is merely a honey-dipped bonus.

A tidy break from the wall of sound, "AYCE" boasts chords with discernible footprints.  "Fill yourself with food, " Naoko beseeches us, and you don't gotta tell this feedbag more than once.  The succulent selections of sushi; the gloriously-sauced and deeply-fried meats; the rolls both spring and egg--there's a reason I wait until late at night to write these reviews.

"Paper Clip"--A shadowed strut along the snoozer's edge.  The winds are for sails only.  I've seen this sky before.  "Life is a journey/No need to cry."

"Psychedelic Life"--The Seventies vibe that permeates Pop Tune pulsates strongest here, the sole turn at the mic for drummer Emi Morimoto.  Nothing fruity or alarming here.  So many of SK's songs sound like short story concepts set to music.

"Mr. J"--Not about weed.  Or Julius Erving.  Absolutely about cotton candy.

"Ghost Train"--"Oh yeah."

Say it again.

"Oh yeah."

Pigs decked out in penguin costumes achieve a tenth of the coolness on display here.  Oink and waddle all you want, Wilbur, but Charlotte is still dead, and the rockin' shudder of Shonen Knife still cannot be surpassed.  

"Sunshine"--Bass-slinger Ritsuko Taneda offers up a track which manages to come off more psychedelic than the song with the actual word in its title.

"Sunshine" is comparable to someone who believes in love reading the first few lines of an above-average romantic poem. 

"Move On"--An odd conclusion.  By-the-numbers optimism that is either heartening in its consistency or discouraging in its consistency.  Only you, the listener, can decide. 


OVERDRIVE
4/15/2014

See?  They just won't go home.  Bless 'em.  The furnace is probably on the fritz, anyway.

"Bad Luck Song"--Naoko Yamano listens to naught but Seventies rock radio stations for one solid weekend while vegging out at home, noshing on every type of comfort food but veggies.  Come Monday, she has an album written in her head, raring to go.  Not to mention a roiling tummy.

"Bad Luck Song" is akin to wolfing down an entire pizza.  I don't know why I did it.  I know it felt good while I was doing it.  I know, furthermore, that in spite of that excruciating discomfort doing the Double Dare obstacle course run around my insides, and in spite of the repeated assurances to self that never again will I allow my appetite to rule so rapaciously, the day will come when I yet again take a whole pie to the face.

"Black Crow"--A diamond kiss, a hazardous bliss.  Dark without being dank, greased-up but not slippery.  Shonen Knife love their heavy metal suffused with dreams that scrub the brain clean of all those scruffy boy-sins.

"Dance to the Rock"--No choice is left!  At the rock club, it's only right!  Exuberant ducks all in a row, keep the bread in yer pocket.

"Ramen Rock"--SK eschew the trappings of the rawk life for smooth noodle indulgence.  Chuckles by the basketful.

"Shopping"--Classic rock mall life.  Eh?  These mash-ups are leaving me Brak-brained.

"Fortune Cookie"--Worst part of any Asian buffet experience.  Hokey advice, mush-mouthed proverbs, who needs it?  Gimme a fried banana with a fiver wrapped around it any day.

"Like a Cat"--If you are wondering whether or not "meow" sounds are inserted into "Like a Cat," I wonder how familiar you are with this band here.

I Am a Cat?  No I am Like a Cat.  Big big.  Big Cat.  Pump it up...slow it down.  Every day they read the cookbook:  To Serve Cats.

To frolic and play the feline way--never could I pull off such.  I'm the stern-faced creature carrying more weight than most on my four legs, so forget the slinking and the slithering, and why ever would I purr when a bark goes better?  Still...I just can't resist these curious charms.

"Green Tea"--Spiked with the stuff that shelters ears in fuzz.  This one is much better than actual green tea, or really any tea you can name.  I much prefer coffee, but a Shonen Knife under the collective influence of all that caffeine would bring about an adorableness too fidgety and bubbly for the world to contain.

"Robots From Hell"--I'd love to see them play this live, if only to grin up at 'em from my spot in the front and yell, "Y'all still cute as all hell!"  Clank and burn, but wait your turn!

"Jet Shot"--I was going to specify a single subject, but forget that--"Jet Shot" is the entire Candy Kingdom from Adventure Time.  Grab all the goods, savor all the tastes, marvel at all the colors, and above all appreciate the goddamn textures.



Naoko Yamano has gone on record stating her desire that Shonen Knife should last forever.  Not in the sense that they have recorded classic music that will be listened to generations from now.  (Though by my estimation they have.)  She means that the band Shonen Knife should, literally, last forever.  Even after she's moved on to that great buffet in the sky, there should exist on Earth three irrepressible Japanese women filling the increasingly ugly air with pretty sound under the name of Shonen Knife.  

I can't say that Naoko's wish is either foolhardy or undesirable.  I can say, however, that if Shonen Knife indeed prove to be the cockroaches of rock, I need to start training someone to take over these reviews. 

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk


AIRDATE:  11/4/88

STORY:  Brothers Orville and Wilbur Wright had spent three years designing and testing gliders in the hopes of proving that man was indeed capable of sustained controlled flight.  Failure after failure left them disheartened and pessimistic.  Desperate, they decided to relocate from Ohio to Kitty Hawk, NC, a small beach town whose shores appealed to men who needed unobstructed land and strong winds.

On December 17, 1903, the first-ever pilot-controlled flight of significant time and distance was taken in a 700-pound aircraft called "The Flyer," as flown by Orville Wright.  The world was literally never the same after that day.

The narration that kicks off the program, detailing mankind's multitudinous attempts to gain meaningful access to the skies, is more interesting on its own than a couple This Is America segments I could name.  Soon enough, we join Charlie Brown and Linus on a rip-roarin' horse-and-carriage ride to see Linus' cousin Dolly in Kitty Hawk.  The timing of their visit is quite fortuitous--December 16, 1903!

Dolly has been keeping abreast of all the news regarding the recent arrivals and their experiments, and has no trouble convincing Charlie Brown and Linus to bike with her down to the beach.  Once there, they run into not the brothers, but a slightly less innovative duo:  their assistants, Peppermint Patty and Marcie.  After some shenanigans with a kite, Orville and Wilbur materialize and decide the conditions are as good as they'll get--time to try and fly.

Air travel revolutionized the world.  But millions worldwide remain fearful of getting onto an airplane.  Some of us can't get through a flight of at least four hours duration without suffering panic attacks.  You know what method of transportation rocks harder than a plane?  A train.  Fuck yeah, trains.  Slower and lower, and I've never once thought I was going to die while seated on one.  So I give this segment a 9.

MUSIC:  For modern jazz that sounds most at home played at a respectable volume in a coffeehouse, call on Wynton Marsalis. 8

ANIMATIONThe usual well-done job, despite some infrequent weirdness with mouths.  I get a kick out of the kids wearing jackets that correspond color-wise with the outfits we most associate with them.

The crayon drawings that are shown on screen as Dolly relates the pre-Kitty Hawk adventures of the Wright Brothers are pretty awesome.  As in, if a kid did those and showed them to me, I'd muss their hair and give 'em a cupcake.  9

VOICES:  Erin Chase (Charlie Brown) and Brandon Stewart (Linus) prove themselves yet again to be reliable reciters of dialogue typed on paper.  8.  In fact, I'm handing out that number out like crazy--here you go, Jason Mendelson, you do a fine Patty; Gregg Berger and Frank Welker, who could do the adults better?; finally, Brandon Home, very nice job as Dolly.

Sadly, Tani Powers underwhelms as Marcie (5), sounding as though she was overdubbed.  She says her lines in the same maddeningly laconic manner as that "not-Flick" kid waiting in line to see Santa in A Christmas Story.

FLY BOYS AND FLY GIRLS ALL OVER THE WORLD

--


You done goofed, son.

--Can we just, each and every one of us, appreciate how dashing Snoopy looks in a top hat?






--


By 1950s standards, Linus and Charlie Brown are a married couple.

WELCOME ABOARD UNITED AIRLINES

--


Sand sandwich!

--


I wasn't entirely sold on his plan before, but now that Snoopy has accessorized, I'm confident we will see a dog in the air on this day!




--


Sand sandwich!



The story of the Wright Brothers is one of perseverance, ingenuity, and obsolete first names.  Definitely give this segment a watch.  (Or a rewatch.)

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The Mayflower Voyagers



AIRDATE:  10/21/1988

STORY:  The year is 1620.  The Peanuts kids join the Pilgrims aboard the merchant ship "Mayflower" as it travels from Plymouth, England to the (possibly) glorious New World.  Miserable conditions--ranging from nausea to death--make the two months spent crossing the unforgiving ocean neigh intolerable.  Over 100 dreamers are smashed up against one another like sardines--and smell nearly as mephitic.  No shuffleboard, no Hungry Hungry Hippos...only visions of what await them in their new home keep the passengers from losing their sanity.

Once aground, the struggle continues.  A group of musket-toting Pilgrims (and Snoopy) attempt to approach a group of Natives huddled 'round a campfire, who run off upon catching sight of their would-be friends.  "They must be afraid," one portly Pilgrim proclaims.  "Quickly, we must chase after them!"  On such brilliance, began America.

Eventually, the Pilgrims find suitable land to begin building homes, while widespread ill-health and the encroaching winter bear down.  Enter Samoset and Squanto, two Natives with friendly hearts and able bodies.  Calling upon the generosity of their people, they help the new arrivals establish a comfortable, prosperous settlement.  Their teamwork culminates with the first-ever "Thanksgiving," wherein much food is prepared, and much food is eaten.  7

MUSIC:  General seafaring string and reed arrangements courtesy of Ed Bogas.  Unimaginative but unobtrusive.  7

ANIMATION:  The team certainly went all-out to make the 17th-century pop off the screen.  The men tend to be generously mustachioed, and the women are often abundantly bosomed.  The only flaw (potentially, depending upon your taste) are the "dickle" noses sported by many of the characters.  (You know...can't decide whether it looks more like a dick or a pickle, so you just split the difference.) 8.5

VOICES:  Erin Chase is a dependable 8 in the role of Charlie Brown, while Brandon Stewart's Linus is likewise.  Jason Mendelson's Peppermint Patty is in the same boat as well (quite literally).

Erica Gayle is outstanding (8.5) as Lucy, who, going by her facial expressions throughout, is never not smelling shit.  Tani Powers fails to impress as Marcie (6), sounding as spineless as Frieda's cat.

Going outside the usual suspects--Frank Welker makes for a respectfully-voiced Squanto (8) and Gregg Berger handles double duty admirably (8), as both military advisor Myles Standish and the kindly Samoset.

(WHITE) WISHY WASHY OL' CHARLIE BROWN

--The traditional story of the first Thanksgiving as told to American children has one notable problem:  it's kinda bullshit.  Which makes this well-presented special a lie.  Rather than rail against the national school system, or the producers of This Is America, I'd rather urge people to do their research.  Put the shoe up to your ear.  And never, ever feel guilty about scarfing down pumpkin pie.

A VERY VEGAN THANKSGIVING

--


'Murica!

--


You can tell Captain Jones is the leader because his attire inspires others.  Also because he remains seated while dudes with weapons stand, faces frozen in menacing countenances. 




The Mayflower Voyagers is the only segment of This Is America, Charlie Brown still aired on national television, as it makes a tidy pair every November with A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.  If you can ignore the historical inaccuracy and get a chuckle out of dickle noses, a decent watch awaits.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

It Was My Best Birthday Ever, Charlie Brown


AIRDATE:  8/5/1997

STORY:  Pathetic.  Let's not be cute here.  Deficient of any ideas worth exploring.  The first thing the viewer sees is Linus gliding down the sidewalk on roller blades, and the first thing the viewer hears is fake block party music.  This goes on for seven minutes until Linus hears a young girl named Mimi singing "Mio Babbino Caro."  Her diaphragm is bananas.  Starstruck by her skill, he invites her to his birthday party.  She stops by, unfashionably late, hanging out of the back of a blue jalopy (who drove her to the Van Pelt residence anyway, the Riverdale gang?) and singing, as this is apparently all she can do.  After passing along a flower and a smooch, she returns to her petalled palace.  Linus is so ecstatic he begins dancing like an imbecile who needs the snot backhanded free from his nose.

Take She's a Good Skate, Charlie Brown...replace Patty with Linus, ice skates with roller blades, and a heartwarming story with doltish bullshit...and you have It Was My Best Birthday Ever2

MUSIC:  David Benoit tries his best.  "Linus and Lucy" shows up, for certainly the contract called for it.  I'd love to edit the "Silver Shamrock" jingle from the third Halloween movie over the excruciating skating scenes.  4

ANIMATIONBest Birthday was the first Peanuts special to use digital ink and paint, which five years later became the norm.  The ignominy of Snoopy's ears alone brings a lump to my throat.  The sloppy edits reek so foully of the 90s that I'm sure a red ball cap actually cut this thing together.  (Kids!  Hey!  Watch!  Peanuts!  Kids!)   4

VOICES:  For further proof of how much this one sucks, the producers used two kids to do four of the main characters:  Steven Hartman handles Linus and Charlie Brown, while Jamie Cronic brings Lucy and Sally to life.  Both are decent enough (6) but Brandon Taylor's Peppermint Patty is terrible.  "Ooh, sprinkles!"  You know what rhymes with "ooh"?  2.

I give Danielle Keaton a 10 as Mimi for having her considerable talents wasted.

MY FIRST BIRTHDAY, I SMASHED MY FACE INTO THE CHOCOLATE CAKE

--And my mom took pictures.

--....

--Goddamn does this one blow chunky pudding.  It insults my cognitive and cardiac intelligence.

MY THIRTIETH BIRTHDAY, I MADE FUNERAL PLANS FOR MY FATHER

--A tie over a short-sleeved shirt?  What the hell is this Sipowicz-ness?

--



It Was My Best Birthday Ever, Charlie Brown never aired on television.  I hardly think we need to call on the talents of Leroy Brown for this one.  Undistinguished, unfocused, I am deadly serious when I inform you that this abomination sits uneasily alongside It's the Pied Piper as the two biggest disgraces to the Peanuts brand.  It sucks everything a human mouth can possibly suck. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

The 25 Best Snoopy Faces

Limited to the strips only, which is daunting enough of a task.  Charles Schulz worked magic with the 914.  Click on the pics for maximum enjoyment.

25.  1/23/1951

Snoopy--still in his puppy phase--concludes this delightful li'l strip with a truly pleased smile.  It's always a great feeling to have one up, after all.

24.  4/21/1951

All four panels showcase Snoopy to superb effect, but I particularly adore the third one, with Snoopy in pure "nyah-nyah" mode.

23.  11/17/1951

The exclamation point is hilarious in its superfluousness.  Have you ever seen a grumpier Gus?

22.  10/26/1953

Contentment.  As short-lived as a blink of the eyes, and every bit as vital to health. 

21.  6/18/1959

My expression after a weekend of reading Kant.

20.  1/23/1961

The opposite of a Snoopy dance--a Snoopy glare.  No fear, all loathing.  No doubt he began to viciously head-butt the ground mere seconds after his bold proclamation of rancor.

19.  1/22/1967

The Bubonic Beagle!  "Unclean!" and damn proud to play the role of leper dog.  The conventional wisdom states that the inside of a human mouth is filthier than that of a canine, but I've long been an advocate of conventional wisdom sitting down and shutting up.  If I had a choice between being bitten by either man or man's best friend, I'll (reluctantly, mind you) pick the mouth least likely to have recently been around a dead squirrel.

18.  12/13/1968

Tiger Williams?  Pussycat!  Tie Domi?  Twinkle-toes!

17.  3/9/1969

This Sunday has been featured on this blog before, as I hold it in very high esteem as one of the greatest things to ever appear in a newspaper. You could eliminate the word/thought bubbles and lose nothing.  While Snoopy is a fraught joy throughout these panels, I have to pick the very last panel as one of the best "Snoo-faces" Schulz ever drew.  Deliciously devious, and a sublime counterpoint to Charlie Brown's unsuspecting failure face.

16.  10/7/1969

Wait, did I say "devious" earlier?  That was nothing.  That was Zebra Man.  This?  Thanos:  Ears of Fate.  Run, Frieda!  Convince your fellow homo sapiens that they must adapt to their new fuzzy-eared overlords or else go the way of Panthera leo spelaea.  

15.  7/30/1971

What a fat, happy pilot!  Having set up the tent after a hard day's war, the Flying Ace is ready to relax and absorb the now-peaceful skies.  I envy him even as I yearn to tickle his dough-belly.

14.  9/3/1973

The second panel is the key here.  Look at that determination!  That is how you make telepathy work for you!  Don't blink.  Don't flinch.  Lean forward.  Concentrate so hard that every cell in your body is focused on the task at hand.

Visor optional.

13.  11/20/1978

MMM, we got some nice third and one-half wall breaking going on with this strip.  Snoopy probably kept that expression whilst biting the twine, too.

12.  12/9/1979


SQUEAK.

Cute contortions of the mouth and eyes splash the iciest of hearts with the warmest of liquid cocoa.

11.  5/3/1981

'Tis music that soothes the savage beast.  Unless it's a beagle.

Nah, 'tis music that flusters the simple mortal.  In the struggle to keep control, to elucidate our feelings, sometimes the magic fails us.  The language of the spirit comes out garbled.  Thoreau wrote, "When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe."  What to do when music itself is the foe?

10.  5/6/1981

Aw, who wouldn't be happy at seeing just a little more love in the world?  Plenty people, that's who.

9.  8/23/1981

Oh, you dog!  The enmity between squeaky-toy chasers and hairball-cougher-uppers has never produced a more lopsided battle than that between Snoopy and World War II, better known as "The Cat Next Door."  Yet, Snoopy's mischievous streak remains irrepressible...resulting in some adorable looks and deplorable decisions.

8.  9/19/1981

Yet another case in point.  I can't decide which piteous look I love more!  1981 must have been the year Charles Schulz sat at the drawing board and decided, "Let me see what I can do with this dog's face."

7.  11/24/1981

Lookit the second square.  All the li'l fella needs is a bow atop his noggin and the preciousness would be virtually intolerable.  Who would refuse Snoop the blue ribbon at a Cutest Dog competition?

6.  3/3/1982

Wide-eyed agony can be quite hilarious.  Beyond that, we have the mouth in a tight line, as though he's trying his very hardest to keep the loudest yelp ever from escaping.

5.  7/23/1983

This is Snoopy's head.  This is Snoopy's head-on.  This is Snoopy's head on drugs.  Oy vey.

4.  1/31/1984

Each panel contains a winner face, but I am definitely partial to that pleasingly toothy smile in number two.  Really makes me wish he coulda remembered the joke....

3.  8/12/1988

Rainy days leave even the best of our world feeling drained and pained.  That woeful expression in the middle is the very picture of self-pity.  The pathos is potent.  Is he right, however?  Is the beagle the breed that elicits the most emotion when seen caught in the rain?  Surely the diminutive dogs of the "toy" distinction would inspire the longest, loudest "AWWW"s.

2.  5/8/1989

Snoopy's belly-laugh is such a striking image it was eventually made into the Peanuts brand logo.

1.  11/16/1993

It's all about what you don't see.  The ear-free, crap-eatin' grin of panel three has always, and I guarantee y'all will always, light up my life.  A fresh glance, a new step for the dance, you can't be great if you won't take a chance. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown (And Don't Come Back!!)


U.S. Theatrical Release Date:  5/30/1980
Director:  Bill Melendez

The fourth Peanuts big-screen feature continued in the adventurous vein of Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown, but at a much slower pace.  Switching the focus from water to fire, from the American outdoors to the French indoors, Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown is remembered by numerous fans as the least-impressive of the Charlie Brown movies.  (Although champions for the film certainly exist.)

Paramount Pictures seemingly wanted Race For Your Life to fail--how else to explain the lack of promotion?  Paramount Pictures seemingly wanted Bon Voyage to succeed--how else to explain scheduling the film's opening for Memorial Day weekend?  Well, the poor movie got stomped at the box office, and discovering an explanation for that is far from problematic--this was the flick it opened against.

Protracted groan here.  Paramount Pictures, you pricks.

                                             ---------------------------------------------------------

The opening moments announce loud and clear that the 76 minutes to come will not be a humorous pastiche culled from the thousands of Peanuts comic strips at the disposal of the producers.  A young blond girl sits in the candlelit room of a rain-beaten chateau, staring at an Army satchel stenciled with the name S. BROWN.  After a time, she begins to write a letter.

Sunnier skies and familiar faces follow.  The buildin' of learnin' attended faithfully by Charlie Brown and Linus is taking part in a good ol' foreign exchange program with France.  Sending off a neuroses-ridden child with a head like a bowling ball as well as a young boy who has an intense psychological dependence on a piece of blue cloth may seem like a great prank on our Gallic friends, but so it goes.  Across town, at the other elementary school, Peppermint Patty and Marcie have also been selected to visit England's favorite historical enemy.  Snoopy and Woodstock were most certainly not invited, yet make the trip anyway, occupying first class while the stupid wiener humans fly coach.

During said flight, Charlie Brown shares a letter he recently received from, coincidentally enough, France.  Someone named Violette Honfleur saw fit to write Chuck, and while normally an unsolicited missive from a lady would be cause for celebration, the contents of the letter are entirely in Violette's native language.  Fortunately for Charlie Brown, Marcie happens to speak and read French fluently.  Per an on-spot translation, Charlie Brown has been invited to stay with Violette and her uncle at the Chateau du Mal Voison--"The House of the Bad Neighbor."  Convenient, if not a bit ominous as well! 

A layover in London gives Snoopy a surplus of minutes to engage in shenanigans.  Truly, at this point, the movie can be said to begin.

Once in France, they procure a top-notch vehicle (a blue Citroen 2CV, the "deux chevaux") for travel.  I'd ask, "Where are the adult representatives from whichever school is participating in this exchange program?" but then that would suggest I don't know Peanuts very well.  And nothing could be further from the truth.

Patty and Marcie are staying with a cute and charming young boy named Pierre, who waits until after the Citroen has driven off to inform the girls that the chateau for which the fellas are headed is owned by a notoriously people-phobic summa-bish known locally as "The Baron."  Uh-oh!

It's a dark and gloomy night when the boys and the animals pull up to the imposing structure that they will be calling "home" for the length of their stay.  Or will they?  The chateau seems deserted, so the children decide to sleep in a nearby stable, as Snoopy and Woodstock keep guard.  Not long after the first snores begin to fill the air, however, both beagle and bird head off to the nearby pub.  Loyalty!

As daylight forces the boys awake, they discover that someone draped blankets over their bodies at some point during the evening.  Furthermore, possibly that very same someone set up a table with not only plates and cups, but also fresh croissants and a teapot.   Hearty!

Discombobulation aside, there is school to attend.  The love-hate Peppermint Patty/Charlie Brown dynamic is always a twice-dipped treat, and here we see some great moments from the strip brought to motional life.  "Don't hassle me with your sighs, Chuck!"

That evening, Charlie Brown and Linus return to the chateau and find warm dinner and warmer bedding outside.  Again, no one is home.  Determined to not miss the residents return to the homestead, Chuck and Linus agree to take turns at guard duty.  Charlie Brown goes up first, and does a predictably poop-pie job at his post, dozing off and failing to perk up at the sight of lights shining from inside the chateau.  The Baron and young Violette can be heard speaking at the front door, bickering a bit about the young charges away in the stable.  Linus wakes up not long after the Baron's departure; seeing his friend stacking clouds, he steels himself to enter the chateau and solve the mystery once and for all.

Using only candlelight, Linus finds his way to the attic--and Violette Honfleur.  She explains that her invitation, while a gesture she now regrets, was borne only of genuine goodwill.  Her grandmother once told the young girl about a U.S. infantryman with whom she shared a brief romance during the Second World War, while he was stationed in France.  The man, named Silas Brown, stayed at that very chateau.  Although very happy together, their relationship did not survive the long distance forced between them once the young soldier received his marching papers.  Violette moved on and started a family of her own, but she never forgot a man named Silas Brown.  As for that man, he survived the war and returned to his home country to began his own brood.  Eventually, he would have a grandson named Charlie Brown. 

As Violette is riveting Linus with her tale, Snoopy and Woodstock are back at the pub, overhearing The Baron talking about the li'l bastards his niece has invited to the chateau.  His thinly-veiled threats--delivered in quite comprehensible English, mind you--do not seem to penetrate the (root) beer-drenched brains of either creature, as they continue to go about their pleasurable business, nonplussed as all hell.

Which proves too bad for Violette and Linus.  When The Baron crashes his way back into the chateau, the poor little ones are so spooked that they knock a blazing candle over, starting a fire in the attic.  Linus opens up the nearest window and begins screaming for sleepy Brown to be of some use for once in his gosh-golly blockheaded life 'cause we totally need water do not let the motherfucker burn!  Before long, Snoopy and Woodstock, as well as Peppermint Patty, Marcie and Pierre, are at the chateau.  A fire truck has been called, but Snoopy is never content to just wait around for professionals to arrive.  Retrieving an old-school hose in a nearby shed, he somehow squeezes a bit of comic relief out of a life-death situation.

Violette and Linus are able to jump to safety--but not before one of the most pathetic line readings ever to appear in a children's movie is uttered--and the firefighters roll up and save the night.

Back at Pierre's, Violette shares her grandma's story with Charlie Brown.  She explains that inspiration to write a letter struck when a friend of the Honfleur family visited America and just happened to get a haircut from Charlie Brown's dad.  Upon this friend's return to France, he told Violette's grandmother of the chance meeting.  She, in turn, told Violette the story of Silas Brown.

Touching, if not precisely scintillating, Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown has for the last 34 years been "the last" Peanuts movie.  That will no longer be the case come the fall of 2015, but it will always be the last Peanuts flick to involve the almighty creative triumvirate of Schulz/Mendelson/Melendez.  My trepidation is inconsiderable, though; the source material is unimpeachable, after all.  All the producers have to do is take a good story--then take it further.  9

MUSIC:  Peppy from the very beginning, which one must expect when one is asked to have expectations of the Bogas/Munsen musical team.  Blasts of musty yellow, cracks of cookie crumbs...the soundtrack always fits tidily with the action onscreen.  A feat that, while basic enough, sometimes slipped through the composers' fingers.  Not here, though.  9

ANIMATIONBon Voyage is arguably the most artfully drawn and colored Peanuts movie; people and places spring to magnificent vitality in endlessly impressive scene after endlessly impressive scene.  The care given both the geography and the architecture exudes a warmth that makes a strange land suddenly feel like home.  While turbulent skies are ever present, the animation could hardly be described as drab or dreary10

VOICES:  Arrin Skelley and Daniel Anderson are quite adorable little representatives of their homeland.  I'd like to give them matching 8's, but Anderson's Linus loses a full point for his soul-crushing, Troll 2-worthy reading of the line "Use my blanket to catch us!" during the film's climatic sequence.

Peppery, minty Patty and marvelous Marcie haggle-her prove a more evenly-matched duo.  Patricia Patts nails the necessary blend of hoarseness and obliviousness required of all effective Patty's to earn a 9, while Casey Carlson scores likewise as the affably understated girl who dispenses sarcasm like a humidifier dispenses water vapor.

The French kids are pretty great:  Pascale De Barolet provides the pronunciations of Pierre to the tune of a 9, while Violette is vivant thanks to the vocal talents of Roseline Rubens.  I'll give her a nice, steady 8--however, Snoopy would regard me as too harsh a judge.

Sally and Lucy are left in the collective dust kicked up by their respective brothers, and while I normally wouldn't bother to give number grades to barely-there performances, Lucy's single zinger at the airport not only gives the movie title reason to use parentheses, Michelle Muller delivers it with every scintilla of malice I demand from the character of Lucy Van Pelt at her most hateful8

Very Special Mention must go to Scott Beach, who is all over the place as the adult on the mic--the barely-comprehensible English waiter, the barely-comprehensible English cabbie, the haughty English line judge and the grumpy French "Baron" himself.  Wowee zowee, dude.   Take this 10.

A MOVEABLE FEAST

--In reality, "the dog" is not considered an acceptable answer to the question "Who will be driving the car?"

--Mel Blanc appears in this movie (uncredited) via archival sound effects.  Peanuts and Looney Tunes, together at last.

--The in-flight film, The Laughing Bunnies, is basically the merry dancing bunnies from It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown without some boisterous beagle bum-rushing their circle.  Snoopy is sent into seat-pounding hysterics watching the slapstick adventures of the floppy-eared ne'er-do-well's...which was also pretty much my reaction when I saw this scene for the first time.

--This film's comedic highlight comes courtesy of the irrepressible pup himself.  Quell surprise!  His nighttime jaunt to the pub is an all-timer in the annals.  Decked out in (soft) military headgear, Snoop no longer has to race over to some puzzled kids patio and pretend--he actually is at a French pub, quaffing root beers with no sense of propriety, and taking over the dance floor moves that manage to be both graceful and goofy.

Inevitably, Snoopy lets the tunes wafting from the jukebox tear at his little heart, but soon enough the likes of "Rum and Coca-Cola" repair the damaged ventricles.  Thing is, though, he programmed the selections!  Therefore, Snoopy chose the most emotionally manipulative sequence of songs possible!  Whadda masochist!

--


One day I'll get to fly first class.  One day I'll get to rock dark glasses while waiting for the bird to take flight.  Instead of sitting coach, trying to stave off a panic attack.

--Peppermint Patty just can't see that Pierre and the Francophile Marcie are kinda crushing on each other, to the point where they even hold hands.  Patty meanwhile can only lament over how Pierre's alleged attraction to her will never, can never, be requited--"Too bad I can't give the kid a tumble."  Bonne douleur!

--Not to mention, she's ungrateful at yet another free meal!




I bet she wouldn't have that screwface rocking if they'd flown to Germany.  Breads, ham, salami, cheeses, marmalade...

--Every beverage should have a corresponding container that announces to the world precisely what is being imbibed.

--Mouth harp!

--Snoopy is a member of the Wimbledon Tennis Club.  The same hallowed grounds where Laver, Navratilova, Sampras and Williams have wowed crowds on the quest to hold the silver aloft.  How does he pay the annual membership fee?  Send twelve cans of dog food to the club every year?  Has he ever been to England before this?  If so...when?  How?  Mister Snoopy!

--Snoopy playing tennis on any court, locally-famed or globally-acclaimed, is a joy to behold.  His passion for the game far exceeds his talent for the game (I suppose you could say Snoopy is the Tony Romo of tennis?)  All it takes is a couple close calls and Snoopy becomes an implacable dervish--no one is safe, especially not the line judge.

--


Buddies help each other out.  That's what makes them buddies.

HIGHWAY TO THE DISCOMFORT ZONE

--What were the habitation plans for Charlie Brown and Linus if Chuck hadn't received Violette's letter?  Wasn't it already worked out in advance by their principal, in conjunction with his overseas counterpart and the half-full bottle of red wine that served as President of the National Assembly of France?  Charlie Brown didn't even know the letter was an invitation until they were already on the flight!

--I know, little birdie.  If I had a buck for every piece of litter emblazoned with golden arches I caught sight of during my walks 'round town, I'd be walking 'round a much better town.

--English Mixed Grill?  You mean pudding, treacle, banger bits, tomato, egg and "surrender bacon"*?

--Cab rides in England went distinctly different for me.  Not once in this film did I hear any of the kids exclaim, "I can't believe I'm about to die in this little-ass cab driven by this asylum escapee, and I didn't even get the chance to stand in front of Big Ben and say, 'I'm the real Big Benn, 'cause I got an extra 'n', bitch.'"

--Sending Charlie Brown to grab a loaf of bread, you might as well send a delirious cassowary into Bed, Bath and Beyond to pick up some dinnerware.

--Snoopy's "English accent"--as demonstrated when conversing with an asylum escapee--needs some bed rest and ginger ale.

--The brief voice-over detailing Linus's thought process as he approaches the chateau was highly unnecessary and a momentary mood-ruiner that I wouldn't expect from the Peanuts creative crew.  The pensive look on his little licorice-topped face was enough, y'know?

--When in Rome...or Paris.

--Violette informs the others that The Baron was so shaken by the harrowing experience at the chateau he has vowed to be friendlier and treat people better.  Frankly, having part of my residence set ablaze by meddling kids would only strengthen my antisocial temperament.

                                                  -----------------------------------------------------

More fun than funny, I would rank Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown fourth of all Peanuts films.  While there's much to enjoy for a devoted fan, there's also nothing terribly notable for the pop culture crowd, and I wouldn't be surprised if for some idiots, Francophobia plays a role in their distaste for the movie. 

Will the upcoming Peanuts surpass it?  Anything is possible.  I just hope the film is enjoyable and does decent box office.  A quick look at IMDB shows that if nothing else, it has a fighting chance:

Peanuts--U.S. Release 11/6/2015
Star Wars Ep. VII--U.S. Release 12/18/2015


*So-called because it's been sliced from the part of the pig that gave up first.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

(It's Not Nostalgia) It's the 80s Express--Pt. 25

4.  "Billie Jean"--Michael Jackson

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

The brim low, the lights down lower.  What's up, lover?  Is "Billie Jean" the tawdry tale of a successful scumbag who forgot to wear one of his own, or a duplicitous single mom with eyes on the nearest prize?

Well-manufactured menace and all, "Billie Jean" is frankly pretty dick-ish.  I can't go for that.  As far as moonwalking with a panther goes, it's not anywhere near the five-star accolades it's received since its debut over thirty years ago.

Keep It?  NO

"P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)"--Michael Jackson

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  10

"Billie Jean" is considered the best largely because it got out there first.  You want to play a song from Thriller that gets me off my butt and doing the Marmalade Marionette?  Then put on "Beat It" or "P.Y.T."  How could any body resist?

A fantastic blend of Off The Wall's best moments with Thriller's more polished sound, conventional wisdom nevertheless states that it's actually one of the album's lesser offerings.  It didn't even get a video!  I don't get it.  What more do you want out of a funky pop song?

I came to love this song even more when I imagined that the line "We can dim the lights just to make it right" was actually "We condemn the lights just to make it right," and imagined Michael and his tenderoni driving around the neighborhood in late January, yelling at all the houses that still had their Christmas decorations up.

3.  "Hungry Like the Wolf"--Duran Duran

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

Fetching, on multiple levels.  Everything wondrous about popular 80s music can be found here.  A hypersexualized night on the prowl that ends with the middles starting fires.  Just stick your face in it and keep it there.  Don't stop til you get enough.

Out in those woods, no one is wearing orange.  Everyone is at risk.

Keep It?  YES

2.  "Pour Some Sugar On Me"--Def Leppard

Released 1987
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  2

"Rub Some Smegma On Me," more like.

During Charlie Chaplin's 1944 trial for sexual misconduct, one juror expressed their belief that the defendant couldn't be guilty because he was an artist and thus unable to even think about sex.  You know and I know--that's moonbug talk.  Actors are lust-crazed creatures no question, but musicians are probably the most ravenous pussy hounds around.  No matter the genre, no matter the era, no matter the hair.  This, though?  Unacceptable.  This is a very horny man, who is not very bright, writing at length about his too-human weaknesses.

"Love is like a bomb, baby, come and get it on."  For a while, I thought Joe Elliot was actually singing "Blow me like a bomb," and I thought that was hilarious.   Mind you, I was still too young to connect the mondegreen to oral sex.  I just thought, "Yeah, who wouldn't want to make that loser explode."  In the brain-bendingly vast universe of deplorable metaphors, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is the VY Canis Majoris.

(Somewhere in that preceding paragraph is a message about violence and sex in American society and in particular how young children are affected, but you know what?  I'll save it for a better song.)

"Livin' like a lover with a radar phone."

No.  Not at all.

A frequent criticism leveled at the Def Lep boys concerned the homogeny of their output.  Every Def Leppard song sounds the same, the naysayers brayed.   "Sugar" proves this judgment demonstrably false.  Every other single released from Hysteria is considerably better than this pudding skin with a beat (and that includes "Women," which is basically cavemen farting into a fire).

The so-called "second best" song of the entire 1980s ruined sex and condiments and pop-metal.

Keep It?  NO 

"Photograph"--Def Leppard

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  12

From one of the worst pieces of pop-metal to the absolute best.  It shan't be trumped.

Lawdy lawdy lewd and bawdy, "Photograph" is hotter'n fish grease.  Mutt Lange locked jaws on these poor bastards till they started oozing diamonds.  Cowbell shouldn't work here, and it does.  Thomas Dolby updating the role of Erik the Phantom shouldn't jibe at all, and it does.  Most crucially, however, are the "Oh!"s.  All those diamonds strewn about the floor, they needed some extra colors, some additional cuts, and so the chorus exploded, dumping emeralds everywhere like a pinata at some billionaire brat's birthday bash.

Oh that poor kid.  Not the brat; fuck them, they're set for life.  I mean our narrator here.  He yearns for the tangible, the multi-dimensional and motional, but does he realize deep down that it won't be enough to quell his delirium?  He'll crave the emotional connection as well as the physical, and disappointment will haunt the remainder of his fragmented days.

Not everything good has to be raw, dog.  That's why the Westminster Kennel Club hands out annual prizes. 

1.  "Livin' On A Prayer"--Bon Jovi

Released 1986
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

Tommy and Gina are struggling.  He's an unemployed dock worker, she's a waitress.  Times is tough, sure, and you guys can call me a loony tune if you want, but...I think Tommy and Gina are gonna get through this.  After all, they've got each other and they're totally gonna give it a shot.  The "it" being life, I suppose.  So Tommy's gonna stake out record shops for potential bandmates and Gina will learn to be a little "friendlier" to her tables.

It doesn't surprise me one whit that "Livin' On a Prayer" was named the best song of the decade by VH-1.  The cornball talk-box no doubt massaged all the warm fuzzy Frampton Comes Alive! memories for many of the voters, not to mention Jon Bon Jovi is one of those vocalists whose blandness makes schlubs who also cannot sing with any discernible talent feel at ease.  And that chorus--please, kill it with earth and wind.  (Do not waste the fire, for it can be used to cook food.) 

Not to mention this is the theme song for countless "Tommy and Gina" couples.  Good for them.  I hope they persevered, prospered, and popped out plenty of pups.  And I hope that Gina nearly had a nervous breakdown when she found her oldest son's Boredoms records ("Anal By Anal?  Oh honey, where did we go wrong with Tommy Jr?"). 

People who love "Livin' On a Prayer" are the same people who would've been in the studio audience for Happy Days tapings, hooting and clapping of their own volition whenever Henry Winkler moved or Ron Howard busted out an inexplicable Fats Domino impression.

Keep It?  NO

"You Got It"--Roy Orbison

Released 1989
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  9

For the final replacement song, I considered Bon Jovi's other stupidly popular hit from Slippery When Wet, the gorgeously-coiffed "You Give Love a Bad Name."  In the end, however, I decided to swing the light over onto a much sweeter song of love from one of rock and roll's few legitimate icons.

Roy Orbison died before he could see "You Got It" become his first top 10 hit in America since "Oh Pretty Woman" topped Billboard in 1964.  Sad, but surely he knew he had a winner.  A swan song doesn't have to be as enchanting and graceful as the animal from which the term derives, but it's mighty sweet when such a thing happens.  I couldn't imagine another country-pop song I'd describe as "remarkably affecting," but when you combine Roy's stunning operatic vocal with those bold and blissful chorus melodies, heads and hearts are bound to spin.

Another unlikely sentence inspired by this song:  I've never heard a more perfect use of the timpani in my entire life. 

With Jeff Lynne and Tom Petty as co-writers and players, what we have here isn't so much the best Roy Orbison song as it is the best Traveling Wilburys song.  (Which means George Harrison and Bob Dylan were the weak links?  Holy shit.) 


                                               ------------------------------------------------------

The 80s Express has traveled many miles and brought forth many gorgeous sounds from the steel, but now it is time to take a break.  Train conductor sez.  I hope everyone enjoyed the sights and (especially) the sounds of this unique travel experience, and hey, hey!  Be careful out there.