It's Spring Training, Charlie Brown

Writing this review out longhand, I headed the sheet of paper with the letters "IST", which is close to "shit." Which is itself a not-unfair review of this special. Ah, okay, unfair; but it says something that this second attempt at animating Peanuts baseball was never broadcast on network television (the copyright date is 1992).

STORY: It's springtime again and you know what that means! Birds and bees are frolicking, small white balls once airborne hit the soft grass in front of hapless children, wood chops the air futilely, Lucy and Frieda gab as Charlie Brown grits his teeth in determination to field a winning team, and Snoopy is seen Ty Cobb-ing Franklin (uh...meaning Snoopy flies into second base during a steal attempt and takes Franklin out; not that he hates him for being black). The tiny, stubborn Leland arrives at practice, where he wins over the manager with stick-to-it-tiveness and the fact that Charlie Brown is so desperate for a win he'd give a position to a kangaroo if it brought its own glove. Just like Charlie Brown All-Stars, Mr. Hennessy has dangled the carrot of uniforms in front of the kids faces, with one caveat: win, goddamnit. A toned-down rehash. 6

MUSIC: Judy Munsen and some collective dubbed "D'Cuckoo" are pegged responsible for the soundtrack. Judy handled a lot of the late eighties/early nineties material, armed with an arsenal pilfered from the great Kajagoogoo Yard Sale of 1986: Gorgonzo Moog keybs, Colby Linn drum machine and Casio Pimento effects. At best, this stuff is cornily amusing, at worst, lazy and thus distracting. 3

ANIMATION: Disorienting is the word; super-saturated backgrounds contrast with by-the-numbers color re: the kids and their tangible surroundings. Frequently, the screen appears in a muddle, making concentration frustrating. 5

VOICES: What a formidable group of potential heroes.

Justin Shenkarow, future veteran of mediocrity, does a lively Charlie Brown. 7. John Christian Graas is a disappointing 5 as an underutilized, master of the obvious Linus. Sadly, Marnette Patterson is also a 5 as his sister, with no particular personality evident in her readings.

It is up to Gregory Grudt (how I adore it when parents show an awareness of the power of alliteration) to step up as the voice of li'l Leland, he who is barely bigger than the classic box o' bread, nearly engulfed by a helmet that gives him the appearance of a baby Stormtrooper. And step up he does, struggling mightily with phonetics and stressing the last syllables of words. Good job, kid. 7

The credits say that someone voiced Schroeder. I could not possibly care less. No one gives voice to crosshatched Pigpen. Boo.

Franklin is voiced by a girl, one Jessica Nwafor. Still more masculine sounding than, say, the "Men on Film" guys. I give her an 8, and why will soon be blatantly clear.

IF THIS HAD BEEN ANY OTHER CARTOON, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS BY PRETZELS THREE LINES INTO IT, KID

So to get these awesome Hennessy-sponsored uniforms, they just have to win a game. This game. One freakin' game. Their opponents are...



Immediately you can tell they are the villains, via a brilliant blend of a truth passed onto us by fiction (one is a redhead, and redhead boys are always insufferable pricks whose destiny it is to take a rusty knife in the gut at age 24; see A Christmas Story's Scott Farkus) and a truth passed onto us by fact (the team is decked out in pinstripes, a la the New York Yankees, a franchise as a rule stocked sick with intolerable assholes made possible by the mind-warping lack of a salary cap in Major League Baseball and the provincial tendency of Empire State residents to think that all other cities are jealous of their perpetual-eternal awesome and will go to stunning lengths to discredit them).

Faced with such a foe, Charlie Brown leads his team through their standard pre-game warm up--the Hokey Pokey. This was cute in the past, Chuck, but that was a sad time pockmarked with the scars of loss after colossal loss. We have uniforms at stake, here. We need something else. Something more up to date. Something The Fresh Prince would re-record if you paid him enough.

Enter he of the melanin and pants!



I give you the complete lyrics of "That's What It's All About", AKA "Franklin's Rap". Please note the marks at end of several lines, and refer to the end of the song for further discussion.

It's all about all the calls we've done*
You'll be shakin' in your shoes
We're the team invincible
And we're not gonna lose

It's time you started worryin'
Your strategy's in a muddle
If you're a little airplane
We're the space shuttle

You can jeer all you want
Vocalize and shout
But in the end we will prevail
And that's what it's all about

(chorus)
Go! Go! Go! (etc.)**

Here's the game we have to win
Now we've gone and said it
We practiced, planned and strategized
And we're about to get inventive

It's how you play the game that counts
Of that there is no doubt
We plan to be good winners too
'Cause that's what it's all about***

(chorus)

This game has a lot more meaning
Our look is on the line
You may as well lay down your gloves
'Cause we're gonna be sublime

In the past we've had our share
Of failures and defeats
But now our shining moment's here
Might as well take off your cleats

Baseball has a funny way
Of takin' teams and doomin' 'em
We're valiant knights taking down our foes
With weapons of aluminum+

Our brilliant plans will mesmerize
And after that last out
We'll be the team with the highest score
And that's what it's all about

(chorus)

You shake shake shake shake shake shake shakin'
Shakin' in your shoes++
We're the team invincible
And we're not gonna lose

And when the dust has settled
Don't you moan and pout
'Cause we'll be the team with the highest score
And that's what it's all about

*--Does that line make any sense? Is he talking about phone calls? On the field calls? Calling the numbers at bingo games?

**--The chorus sequence is brilliant, as it ups the stakes presented by the old-school exhortation with animation of Snoopy pop-locking (also, after each trio of "Go"'s, you can hear what sounds like a sample of Snoopy going "ah-ahh!" I have not laughed so heartily at a marriage of sight and sound since the Simpsons episode where Bart smashed Homer over the head with a chair as the latter lounged in the perceived safety of his own bathtub).

***--This verse in many ways is an insight into their author, Charles Schulz. Some bulldog Vince Lombardi mixed with a bit of philosophical Grantland Rice. He wants to crush you, but will still feel empathy.

+--After this line, the team raises what are clearly brightly-hued aluminum bats into the air, despite the fact that they never use them before or after.

++--I call bullshit on the very idea that Schulz wrote out all these "shakes". He likely just wrote the word once and parenthetically requested the "stupid kid" singing it repeat it just enough to fill up the bar.

AS TREVOR HOFFMAN IS TO THE SAN DIEGO PADRES, SO IS SNOOPY TO THIS PROGRAM

It would be a whippable offense if I just mentioned Snoopy's dancing without providing proof via the magic of DVD captures. If you need a reason to pick this up off of Amazon or Ebay for 6 bucks or less, let this succession of images convince you.



Kitty cats doin' the corn-cob "nom-nom" got nothin' on the kid Snoopy doin' the ballbat chew.



Sweep it now, sweep it on over.



Electric slide!



Can't see me! (Snoopy was John Cena before John Cena)



Ah hee hee!

Watch yo' mouth.

IN THE END, THOUGH...


A few of the animated specials took their story from the strips, but were given happier twists that simply could not work in the existential minefield of printed Peanuts. Hence, Charlie Brown's team wins and they get new uniforms.

I honestly still have not decided whether this is a mediocre story with one shining classic sequence or a classic sequence surrounded by a mediocre story. It may have helped to have the opposing team fielded by one Mr. Cristal, but we can't go back in time, now can we?


Peanuts It's Spring Training Charlie Brown

Lucy Must Be Traded, Charlie Brown

The first in my series reviewing the three Peanuts baseball specials, this is the most recent (2003) and also the weakest.



"Here, Snoopy...I've destroyed the script. Are you happy now?"

STORY: Hapless baseball manager Charlie Brown has had it up to here with his lethargic, disinterested outfielder, Lucy Van Pelt, and wants to trade her to Peppermint Patty's superior squad. When Patty tells Chuck that the only player on his team she would want is Snoopy, Charlie Brown amazingly pulls the trigger on the deal, receiving five players in return. However, before the trade can actually go down, it is nullified by two mitigating factors: Charlie Brown realizing he cannot part so callously with his own pet, and Peppermint Patty's handful refusing to dirty up their cleats for Charlie Brown's infamous team. Finally, Lucy is traded for Marcie, not unlike swapping a house of popsicle sticks for one made of aluminum cans in terms of overall usefulness. 8

MUSIC: Innocuous piano that accompanies one's contemplation of how many people will be standing outside the elevator when you reach your floor. 5

ANIMATION: As it is latterly Peanuts, it is much crisper and consistent than the "classics" (ie, skin tones don't change several times over the course of a scene), but the colors are unadventurous, and the actual character animation uneventful and standard. 6

VOICES: Wesley Singerman does a piss-poor Charlie Brown; I mean, I'm sure he's a great kid and his parents hold him to ridiculously high standards that will one day result in his being the world's proudest, most strident FedEx employee ever, but he's struggling to emote here, and that ain't right. Charlie Brown struggles with a lot in life--it's his lot in life. For fans who've followed his Job-like life on the page and on screen, we may have asked things like, "Poor Charlie Brown, why can't he win?" but we have never asked, "Wow, I wonder what he's feeling?" Dude is one open zig-zagged wound. This is a rote reading, and absolute pain when you consider that this special is mainly stitched-together strips dependent on the back 'n forth zings Charlie Brown and Lucy throw at one another. 4

Serena Berman as Lucy, conversely, gets an 8 for being nicely sassy.

Corey Padnos is Linus, and oh how it breaks my heart to hear such averageness. 5. All Linuses must be starved and forced to read the New Testament. Aloud.

A boy, Daniel Hansen, again steps up to the mic as Peppermint Patty, but turns out to be a lamentably dull 6 out of 10. Really not very tomboyish at all (said in Chris Shea's Linus voice. Ah, now there was a kid who knew how to recite!)

Schroeder is voiced by Christopher Ryan Johnson. A higher-pitched Charlie Brown? Oh that's useful. 4. The similarly triple-named Megan Taylor Harvey is a too-chirpy Sally (making me thankful for her brief time in this show). 3. Finally, Melissa Montoya voices Marcie. She gets a 6 for making me believe it when she said "I hate baseball!" Definitely get the vibe ol' Marcie would rather be reading some Anne Sexton and daydreaming about holding hands with "Sir".

OZZIE SMITH, PLAYING THE BALL OFF THE HOP



It is a delight seeing the great "Snoopy dances while Charlie Brown tries to talk shop with his team" strip brought to life. Also, you have to love Marcie shunning Snoop's attempt to engage her in a friendly handshake.

God has no place in schools, but he has a place in Charlie Brown's outfield, where players are heard praying that the ball is not hit to them. Those so blessed are heard to give thanks and finally, one particularly gracious fielder proclaims, "Amen!"

And who doesn't love Peppermint Patty predicting that of the twelve games their teams will play head to head, hers will alternately "slaughter, smash, ruin, murder, annihilate, and pound" his?

MANNY RAMIREZ, PLAYING THE BALL



There is nothing egregiously bad about this special, nothing that makes you cringe or roll your eyes. The producers remain faithful to the strips and provide a fun, passable show, but that's all it is. There's no real heart and soul, and nothing particularly funny, either (I'll let you decide which is the more grievous sin). As you will see later, Lucy vs. Charlie Brown on the diamond was done much better much earlier.

Nah, you know what the worst part of this whole special is? Visting the reviews section on Amazon and finding this bit of genius in defense of not only this, but the recent specials:

The classic Peanuts gags we have all come to love -- and chuckle out loud at via the daily comics and endless array of Peanuts books -- are better executed. Way better. How many of us who watch the Halloween special every year yawn and think "ho-hum" whenever Charlie Brown says, "I got a rock"? I know I do. And why? This piece of dialogue is one of many that just wreaks of poor execution and boredom.

So saith the legendary Internet critic "D.Mart." How many of us go "ho-hum" at the "I got a rock" section of the Great Pumpkin? Only you, assclown. Everyone else thinks it possesses a timeless hilarity and it still gets parodied/quoted to this day. Lucy Must Be Traded looks much "better" than those shows of the past...but in terms of content, viewers get a rock.

Peanuts Lucy Must Be Traded Charlie Brown