Today's NFL Countdown on ESPN was a must-see for me, if only because I knew the Brett Favre controversy would be "debated". Further, I knew that Chris Berman would make every excuse possible for his boy.
Sure enough, I was right.
The only analyst to call the situation correctly was Keyshawn Johnson (who is turning out to be imminently more tolerable as a talking head than as a player). Key stated that the Jets players voicing concerns over their quarterback receiving seemingly preferential treatment--not being with the team at every practice, not being chewed out by coaches for mistakes--was a natural part of being a team competitor. Then Mike Ditka railed against footballers running off at the mouth to the media. Then someone yelled "Obama!" and Mike went pale, then wept widow-style.
Former Bronco (loser, in other words) Tom Jackson then used the old "what has Thomas Jones done prior to this year, is he a first ballot Hall of Famer?" to try and undermine the argument against Favre. This tactic is an appeal to ridicule, saying that since Jones is not a superstar caliber player nor has he ever been, his opinion of another player with many individual records to his credit is absurd. This tactic is also used by people who can't admit that someone or thing they love beyond reason is fucked up.
No one brought up the idea of Favre retiring, which is what he should do. His arm is shot, his field vision is terrible, and his comprehension of football as a team sport is muddled at best. Instead we got a lot of "he needs to adapt if he wants to continue". This is where Berman shined.
"Knowing Brett as I do...if that is what he has to do, he'll do it. He absolutely will do it. I know that he will."
It was brilliant; it sounded like a parent encouraging their young child to finish reading a sentence out loud. "I know you can do it, Brett! Sound it out!" I bet Berman cried elephantine tears into his Large-Ass Popcorn when he saw Free Willy for the first time.
Chris Berman Brett Favre ESPN
Showing posts with label ESPN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ESPN. Show all posts
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Our Long National Nightmare Has In Fact Only Just Begun
Brett Favre is now a New York Jet. Get ready for a season of 8 wins and 18 interceptions, Big Apple football fans!
Also, nothing can suck the fun out of sports like ESPN. They've covered this whole Favre story like the freakin' JFK assassination. (Which reminds me...Reclaiming History, by Vincent Bugliosi. Buy it. Read it.)
Also, nothing can suck the fun out of sports like ESPN. They've covered this whole Favre story like the freakin' JFK assassination. (Which reminds me...Reclaiming History, by Vincent Bugliosi. Buy it. Read it.)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Facing the Consequences and Throwing Up on Them
It's awesome that ESPN anchor Dana Jacobsen has been suspended by the network and dragged through the mud by the Catholic League for her comments at a roast for fellow ESPN employees Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, wherein she trashed the thoroughly hateful Notre Dame and concluded with "Fuck Jesus".
Alan King would vomit in rage, were he not already dead.
Freedom of speech...with consequences! No mitigating factors! Now wait, before you go rolling your eyes and say the fact that Jacobsen was clearly inebriated (according to "eyewitness accounts", anyway) is no excuse, please listen. I beg you. Dana Jacobsen was not just drunk. She was--again, according to those who were there--drinking vodka straight from the bottle.
Update--photo evidence confirms that she ain't no amateur at this.
Anyone who chugs the clear nectar with hand wrapped firmly around the neck of the bottle is to be excused anything (except driving drunk, no passes ever for that stupidity). Sticking your tongue down a strangers throat? Telling the lame-ass DJ to play some Def fuckin' Lep? Breakdancing on the kitchen table? Admitting your most prurient sexual fantasies to family members? Speaking blasphemously as you tell those gold-helmeted assholes that the University of Georgia bulldog is 10 times cooler than they'll ever be? That's what happens! I know these things. With women, the propensity for outrageousness is even greater. Any female who will neck vodka is an uber-being to be simultaneously admired, feared, respected, and asked to every party within 50 miles of their residence.
Such is the allure of women too impatient to be bothered with a glass that the media takes note when a female celeb is spotted in the throes of "bottle bliss", as if she's one step closer to ruin. Beyonce, Lindsay Lohan and Bjork all have recently been called out. Braaaaaaavo!
The Catholic League is unbelievable. I say the entire religion should be called out and its touchstones derided until they treat their own rampant, perverse internecine tendencies. So what the man they worship got a playground insult tossed his way? I say, Young Hova either sets up a time to kick ass after class or it's a non-issue. I don't go into paroxysms of transparent justice-seeking when someone makes a comment about my mother, and she's closer to a right-here-and-now embodiment to the ideals of Christ than anyone in this ridiculous story.
ESPN Dana Jacobsen
Alan King would vomit in rage, were he not already dead.
Freedom of speech...with consequences! No mitigating factors! Now wait, before you go rolling your eyes and say the fact that Jacobsen was clearly inebriated (according to "eyewitness accounts", anyway) is no excuse, please listen. I beg you. Dana Jacobsen was not just drunk. She was--again, according to those who were there--drinking vodka straight from the bottle.
Update--photo evidence confirms that she ain't no amateur at this.
Anyone who chugs the clear nectar with hand wrapped firmly around the neck of the bottle is to be excused anything (except driving drunk, no passes ever for that stupidity). Sticking your tongue down a strangers throat? Telling the lame-ass DJ to play some Def fuckin' Lep? Breakdancing on the kitchen table? Admitting your most prurient sexual fantasies to family members? Speaking blasphemously as you tell those gold-helmeted assholes that the University of Georgia bulldog is 10 times cooler than they'll ever be? That's what happens! I know these things. With women, the propensity for outrageousness is even greater. Any female who will neck vodka is an uber-being to be simultaneously admired, feared, respected, and asked to every party within 50 miles of their residence.
Such is the allure of women too impatient to be bothered with a glass that the media takes note when a female celeb is spotted in the throes of "bottle bliss", as if she's one step closer to ruin. Beyonce, Lindsay Lohan and Bjork all have recently been called out. Braaaaaaavo!
The Catholic League is unbelievable. I say the entire religion should be called out and its touchstones derided until they treat their own rampant, perverse internecine tendencies. So what the man they worship got a playground insult tossed his way? I say, Young Hova either sets up a time to kick ass after class or it's a non-issue. I don't go into paroxysms of transparent justice-seeking when someone makes a comment about my mother, and she's closer to a right-here-and-now embodiment to the ideals of Christ than anyone in this ridiculous story.
ESPN Dana Jacobsen
Friday, October 5, 2007
To Which I Reply, "Go Italy!"
Chris Berman on ESPN after Brett Favre threw his record-breaking 422nd touchdown pass:
"Rooting for Brett Favre is like rooting for America. It just is."
Yeah, hurrah for scruffy pill-popping hillbillies who throw balls down a field.
Chris Berman is a large, annoying blot on the mediascape who has long outlived his usefulness to his network and profession of sports journalism. He just is. He's still clinging onto what made him in the first place, what seems like freaking eons ago: forced nicknames, buddying up to athletes, bellowing puff pieces for the players and the leagues, and avoiding controversy like it's a salad.
NBC's NFL coverage got a gigantic boost with the addition of Keith Olbermann. He was the best thing about ESPN during his years transforming the very face of "Sportscenter" (and left a legacy of egocentric referential anchors in his wake, but in his defense, hardly any of those hacks have his passion for the games or his wit, and also, blame a lot of that on Craig Kilborn as well), and now makes a show led--led!--by Bob Costas watchable.
Brett Favre Chris Berman ESPN
"Rooting for Brett Favre is like rooting for America. It just is."
Yeah, hurrah for scruffy pill-popping hillbillies who throw balls down a field.
Chris Berman is a large, annoying blot on the mediascape who has long outlived his usefulness to his network and profession of sports journalism. He just is. He's still clinging onto what made him in the first place, what seems like freaking eons ago: forced nicknames, buddying up to athletes, bellowing puff pieces for the players and the leagues, and avoiding controversy like it's a salad.
NBC's NFL coverage got a gigantic boost with the addition of Keith Olbermann. He was the best thing about ESPN during his years transforming the very face of "Sportscenter" (and left a legacy of egocentric referential anchors in his wake, but in his defense, hardly any of those hacks have his passion for the games or his wit, and also, blame a lot of that on Craig Kilborn as well), and now makes a show led--led!--by Bob Costas watchable.
Brett Favre Chris Berman ESPN
Friday, July 13, 2007
Did You Stick Your Head in the Shine-O Blog-O?
Vanity Fair, in conjunction with the massive oral history of The Simpsons that makes their latest issue actually worth considering buying, has released a list of the top 10 greatest episodes of this greatest show. This should be enlightening and not-at-all kiss-ass.
10. The President Wore Pearls (Season 15, 2003)
VF sez: "It may seem ludicrous to include anything later than Season 8 in this list"--
Not at all; what is ludicrous is the amount of better episodes to place on here. "Moe Better Blues", "Hungry Hungry Homer", the recent "24" parody which was so exactingly hilarious I almost regretted never watching an ep of "24" in my life...dig deeper.
9. Krusty Gets Kancelled (Season 4, 1993)
VF sez: "This is Krusty's best episode—better than the reunion with his father"--I briefly interject to call this writer an ass-- "or the Bar Mitzvah episode, which won an Emmy much later on."
Ah, so VF is impressed by the big stars, huh? Set my eyes to stunned.
8. Bart the Murderer (Season 3, 1991)
Bart joins Mafia, somehow I love this one but can't give it top 10 status.
7. Homer's Enemy (Season 8, 1997)
VF sez: "Perhaps the darkest Simpsons episode ever. Grimes works hard, is honest and unselfish; he is quite literally everything Homer is not. To see him fail, and ultimately be destroyed, once he enters Homer's world is hilarious and satisfying."
The first one I agree with; when an episode ends with laughter at a funeral, it's pretty fair to say it's legend. Hank Azaria proves his MVV (Most Valuable Voice) status as the flustered, rageful Grimes.
6. The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Season 8, 1997)
VF sez: "A classic satire of network influence, obsessed TV fans, and programs that survive long after the shark has been jumped, the episode is a meta-celebration, a tongue-in-cheek rebuttal to everyone who claimed that the quality of The Simpsons had declined over the years."
I don't think the semi-colon is overused, and I resent the backlash.
5. Two Bad Neighbors (Season 7, 1996)
Wherein President Bush (you know, the first fucking one) and Homer go to war. Far more productive than the war that was later...eh, too easy.
4. Cape Feare (Season 5, 1993)
Sideshow Bob had to make an appearance on the list, and this is his best show. Yes, yes, this is the one with the rakes.
3. Marge vs. the Monorail (Season 4, 1993)
VF sez: "A tribute to The Music Man, written by Conan O'Brien." .
This ends up on a ton of best-of lists by fans (mine among), but nonbelievers are fond of shouting out "overrated!" and pointing to the writing credit as the reason why, claiming some sort of revisionist appreciation based on the fact that the scribe would go on to become a famous late night host. Speaking for myself, I actually came to appreciate Conan more for having written this episode, rather than the other way around.
2. Bart vs. Australia (Season 6, 1995)
The hell? Funny and all, but...number 2? Of ever? Does Fosters beer sponsor a lotta VF parties?
1. Rosebud (Season 5, 1993)
VF sez: "A perfect episode. Mr. Burns's lamentations for his childhood bear, Bobo, lead to a show-long parody of Citizen Kane. (Maggie has the bear and refuses to give it up.) At once a satire and a tribute, the episode manages to both humanize Mr. Burns and delve deep into Homer's love for his oft-forgotten second daughter, Maggie. Also, the Ramones guest-star."
"Smithers...have the Rolling Stones killed."
Another episode that "delves" into Homer's love for Maggie is "And Maggie Makes Three", which despite being rife with blatant animation errors, is soulful and hilarious.
No "Mother Simpson", guest-starring Glenn Close as the jerk-ass' long-lost but loving mater.
No "Last Exit to Springfield", which is uniformly beloved among the Simpson faithful.
No "Lisa's Substitute", my personal number one and the most emotionally involving episode in Simpsons history.
No "Summer of 4 ft. 2", another outstanding Lisa episode and the moment I realized what an overrated, pain in the ass character Bart is.
Consider this a mild blog post, as I can virtually guarantee the current furious typing of nerds in Chicago dedicating 5 paragraphs, minimum, to deconstructing each choice and what they would replace it with. And I will read them all.
The Simpsons vanity Fair
10. The President Wore Pearls (Season 15, 2003)
VF sez: "It may seem ludicrous to include anything later than Season 8 in this list"--
Not at all; what is ludicrous is the amount of better episodes to place on here. "Moe Better Blues", "Hungry Hungry Homer", the recent "24" parody which was so exactingly hilarious I almost regretted never watching an ep of "24" in my life...dig deeper.
9. Krusty Gets Kancelled (Season 4, 1993)
VF sez: "This is Krusty's best episode—better than the reunion with his father"--I briefly interject to call this writer an ass-- "or the Bar Mitzvah episode, which won an Emmy much later on."
Ah, so VF is impressed by the big stars, huh? Set my eyes to stunned.
8. Bart the Murderer (Season 3, 1991)
Bart joins Mafia, somehow I love this one but can't give it top 10 status.
7. Homer's Enemy (Season 8, 1997)
VF sez: "Perhaps the darkest Simpsons episode ever. Grimes works hard, is honest and unselfish; he is quite literally everything Homer is not. To see him fail, and ultimately be destroyed, once he enters Homer's world is hilarious and satisfying."
The first one I agree with; when an episode ends with laughter at a funeral, it's pretty fair to say it's legend. Hank Azaria proves his MVV (Most Valuable Voice) status as the flustered, rageful Grimes.
6. The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (Season 8, 1997)
VF sez: "A classic satire of network influence, obsessed TV fans, and programs that survive long after the shark has been jumped, the episode is a meta-celebration, a tongue-in-cheek rebuttal to everyone who claimed that the quality of The Simpsons had declined over the years."
I don't think the semi-colon is overused, and I resent the backlash.
5. Two Bad Neighbors (Season 7, 1996)
Wherein President Bush (you know, the first fucking one) and Homer go to war. Far more productive than the war that was later...eh, too easy.
4. Cape Feare (Season 5, 1993)
Sideshow Bob had to make an appearance on the list, and this is his best show. Yes, yes, this is the one with the rakes.
3. Marge vs. the Monorail (Season 4, 1993)
VF sez: "A tribute to The Music Man, written by Conan O'Brien." .
This ends up on a ton of best-of lists by fans (mine among), but nonbelievers are fond of shouting out "overrated!" and pointing to the writing credit as the reason why, claiming some sort of revisionist appreciation based on the fact that the scribe would go on to become a famous late night host. Speaking for myself, I actually came to appreciate Conan more for having written this episode, rather than the other way around.
2. Bart vs. Australia (Season 6, 1995)
The hell? Funny and all, but...number 2? Of ever? Does Fosters beer sponsor a lotta VF parties?
1. Rosebud (Season 5, 1993)
VF sez: "A perfect episode. Mr. Burns's lamentations for his childhood bear, Bobo, lead to a show-long parody of Citizen Kane. (Maggie has the bear and refuses to give it up.) At once a satire and a tribute, the episode manages to both humanize Mr. Burns and delve deep into Homer's love for his oft-forgotten second daughter, Maggie. Also, the Ramones guest-star."
"Smithers...have the Rolling Stones killed."
Another episode that "delves" into Homer's love for Maggie is "And Maggie Makes Three", which despite being rife with blatant animation errors, is soulful and hilarious.
No "Mother Simpson", guest-starring Glenn Close as the jerk-ass' long-lost but loving mater.
No "Last Exit to Springfield", which is uniformly beloved among the Simpson faithful.
No "Lisa's Substitute", my personal number one and the most emotionally involving episode in Simpsons history.
No "Summer of 4 ft. 2", another outstanding Lisa episode and the moment I realized what an overrated, pain in the ass character Bart is.
Consider this a mild blog post, as I can virtually guarantee the current furious typing of nerds in Chicago dedicating 5 paragraphs, minimum, to deconstructing each choice and what they would replace it with. And I will read them all.
The Simpsons vanity Fair
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