Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Hump Day Mutterings

So what exactly will my father, among many other older, grizzled conservative diehards, watch from the time they awake until "Gunsmoke" reruns air on TV Land?
The newly-hardassed NFL has released its 2007 schedule. Here is where I take a moment to reflect upon the Minnesota Vikings' slate (ranked 19th hardest for the upcoming season) and make uncannily accurate predictions.

Sun 9/9 Atlanta 1:00 pm--a win at home...Mike Vick will not last the season

Sun 9/16 at Detroit 4:05 pm--2-0! Hey, sounding familiar....

Sun 9/23 at Kansas City 1:00 pm--KC is rebuilding, which means, 6-10

Sun 9/30 Green Bay 1:00 pm--Because a broken leg is far more decisive than any human being, if you catch the gist. This will be a Phyrric victory for the Pack; the Vikes first loss of the year.


Sun 10/14 at Chicago 1:00 pm--Crown they ass with one of those Burger King/Jughead numbers. Another loss, but at the hands of a still-strong Chicago team.

Sun 10/21 at Dallas 1:00 pm--A shocking victory for the Purple.

Sun 10/28 Philadelphia 1:00 pm--Vikes lose by 24. I call it now.

Sun 11/4 San Diego 1:00 pm--LaDanian Tomlinson will score 3 TD's, pass for one, and pull a rabbit out of the football while selling Bud Lite in the stands. The Vikings stand at 4-4.

Sun 11/11 at Green Bay 1:00 pm--A pox on your cheese, Vikes take it with ease.

Sun 11/18 Oakland 1:00 pm--Seriously, the league gave Oakland games this year?

Sun 11/25 at NY Giants 1:00 pm--After 2 wins, Minnesota falls apart with Tavaris Jackson's worst performance thus far.

Sun 12/2 Detroit 1:00 pm--Matt Millen is a genius. I mean, why draft offense? Putting points on the board is really overrated, and not just a little show-offy. So the Lions will get Gaines Adams with the #2 draft pick and he'll flail around as ineffectively as Mario Williams; luckily for the former Clemson OT no one will care. Because he's playing in fucking Detroit.

Sun 12/9 at San Francisco 4:05 pm--Remember when the 49ers struck fear into opponents hearts?

Commissioner Goodell, listen...I am among the deafening chorus singing your praises for the handling of Adam Jones. To quote your own words, "We must protect the integrity of the NFL. "The highest standards of conduct must be met by everyone in the NFL because it is a privilege to represent the NFL, not a right. These players, and all members of our league, have to make the right choices and decisions in their conduct on a consistent basis." Should this not also apply to on the field conduct? Further, "Your conduct has brought embarrassment and ridicule upon yourself, your club, and the NFL, and has damaged the reputation of players throughout the league." Yes, I hear that! So then, Commissioner, would you not agree that it would be to the benefit of the league to ban the Oakland Raiders for the 2007 season? They didn't have one goddamn rusher or receiver who surpassed a thousand yards last year, and their starting QBs (Andrew Walter! Aaron Brooks! These are future telemarketers, not future Super Bowl winners!) combined for 6 TDs and 21 INTs! Not to mention their horrid mishandling of the great Lamont Jordan.

Respect for what you have done so far, Mr. Goodell. Players who disgrace the league must be held accountable. It's time to start demanding the same of teams who take the field under the context of "professional" football.

(Allright, back to the predictions. Just had to get that out there.)

Mon 12/17 Chicago 8:30 pm--Bears crush us again, on Monday night.

Sun 12/23 Washington 1:00 pm--Two days before Christmas, the Vikes beat the Skins for the second straight year, this time at home. Although Washington not having John Hall on the roster instantly takes the over/under from 7 to 4.

Sun 12/30 at Denver 4:15 pm--Minnesota loses, finishing at 9-7 and missing the playoffs. Again. But as long as they finish ahead of the Green Bay Packers, all is well in Valhalla.

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