Fears of the Uncommon City Dweller

The more I read the Herald Mail "You Said It" column, the more I start to worry.

On Monday, 4/16, the only caller that really spoke to me did so undeniably. This particularly-concerned Hagerstonian was venting about proposed construction of several duplexes near their house, bitching mainly about the threat this may present to the steadfast "peace" the neighborhood denizens have enjoyed thus far. In two months I will be breaking personal ground when I start looking for a home of my own...not an apartment, an actual house. No more landlords, no more rent, no more pulling my hair out over how much I've spent. The particular homeowner program I will be using for this stipulates I can only purchase a home that is outside the city limits. Fine by me; frankly, a practical lifetime on West Side Avenue has given me my fill of yelling white trash and boomin' systems (often in disharmony). Open spaces between abodes also appeals to me. Which is why the recent lust for development of so much of Hagerstown's land is mildly distressing...not too strong an ache, but persistent.

As more than a few folks have told me, my personality may be better suited to life in a soundproof studio.

Tuesday, 4/17, also hit me nice and solid. A reader from Waynesboro makes reference to "that leader from North Korea" and then later to "the one from Iran". First, it's "Kim Jong-il". Second, it's "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad". World events and the leaders who put them in motion, men and women of utmost importance and authority, people whom we do not answer to, whom we did not elect to their position, but who nevertheless can and so often do play instrumental roles in the directions our lives take, the very least we can do is to learn their names...even if we aren't 100% sure of the pronunciation.

But the caller that I really wanna go to the prom with, and possibly even make out timidly with afterwards in a beat-up Chevelle, is from Jefferson County, WV. I mean, the opinions of people who are living in West Virginia of their own accord deserve the highest regard, don't you think?

Last week, the Circuit Court in Hagerstown took steps to become secure. When the paper printed the article about this new advancement in keeping the building (and to a lesser extent, the people inside) safe, it appeared as you see when you click the link to their site, with the very exact picture. This is what West Virginia (whole other state!) had to say:

"It causes me to wonder, is it not one of the employees that they have used for the picture? In that there's no jacket, there's no handbag--and how many people walk through that door with a big smile on their face?...this is quite clear an employee that they are using."

Um...who cares? Why is this worth anyone's time to point out? Yes, you are right, my likely-inbred friend, that is in fact an employee passing through the metal detector. So? It's a picture. It doesn't compromise anything. "If they don't show an everyday citizen going through it, how can we know it really works?" Huh? Just nonsensical to me. The caption says that the deputy at the door is monitoring the metal detector. No reference is made to the person passing through being a "street person" (what they are called by courthouse employees). So there's no attempt being made by the newspaper to pull wool over the eyes of their loyal readers. Yeesh.

Wednesday and Thursday...thanks for playing.

We end with Friday, 4/20 (insert inane stoner humor here) and the following wisdom from Clear Spring, addressing the Virginia Tech tragedy: "The gun didn't kill them....It could have been a knife, could have been a flyswatter, could have been a car.....He might have strangled them. It wasn't the gun."

Rest assured, I will be scouring the Interweb for recorded instances of human death-by-flyswatter as soon as I reach a level of ennui so deep that connecting paper clips is just too mentally taxing.

"He might have strangled them."

32 people? Yeah, he could have just gone through Norris Hall strangling dozens of people with his bare hands, or wire, or rope without being at all halted...if he was The Flash!