Monday, April 2, 2007

Are We Gonna Baseball, Baseball, Baseball?

Ah, it's Opening Day!

April is the cruellest month...not in the least because the pinstriped assholes won and the Nationals got killed by the Marlins. All I can ask, as a fan of DC's baseball squadron, is for less than 100 losses this year. Beating the Mets twice would be nice too. (Notice I didn't say, "at all"? I said "twice". That is optimism in the face of your starting pitcher giving up six runs in his first real outing of 2007. May have to bring Alex Ovechkin into the rotation as a stopgap measure. Not like he'll be spending the next few months engaged in any other athletic endeavors, anyway.)

One thing I bet you didn't know about ESPN is, they got experts, son. Like, their Wu-Tang style is immensely strong, and by "Wu-Tang style" I mean "New York bias". Watch "Sportscenter" and you will be fooled into thinking the Mets and the Yankees run baseball, with all the other teams orbiting their combined Gotham awesome on the diamond. A-Rod will cause a mammoth controversy this season when he is overheard at Strawberry Fields in Central Park telling a friend, "Eh, I don't get the big deal. George Harrison was the real genius of the Beatles anyway"; while the Mets will inevitably falter come crunch time, and struggle even greater in the eyes of the media due to the David Wright novelty of last year having worn off, 'cause really, how many saucer-eyed, baby-butt-faced, Roy Hobbs-hearkening players can come along in the nation's premier sports market until you want to projectile-puke on a Derek Jeter poster?

Don't try and sell Tim Kurkjian of ESPN on it though; he predicts a Subway Series in October! Oh golly, that would be super, 'cause America doesn't want good baseball, it wants BIG CITIES and TEAMS THEY KNOW. Hearing certain of the sports media lament last years World Series as "unsexy" and "boring to most of the country" (twas St. Louis and Detroit, if you forgot, or forgot to care) was maddening. Both teams were full of good players (and in St. Louis with Albert Pujols, the very best in the league) and the Cards winning was a great story. The kicker is, the upstart Tigers winning would have been even better. But as was stated: those are Midwest teams. Be East Coast or be irrelevant, is the motto of ESPN.

John Shea, contributor Cubs over White Sox

Battle of the Windy City?

Alfonso Soriano is a selfish talented bastard who will be ducking batteries hurled by overweight schoolchildren at Wrigley Field from midseason onward. If all goes well, anyway. Haters? Nah. Seeing Soriano hit a meaningless home run against the O's last year at RFK was the highlight of the whole trip. Bitter? Sure. Mr. 40/40 used us to pad stats. The team concept was never on his agenda, and it was apparent from the moment he joined the squad and started getting territorial. Again, amazing player...but he'll never win.

Orioles lose. Get used to that.

Royals beat the Sox of Red. This does not bode well for my guarantee that the Nats will at least out perform the Weakin' Blues. Better get steely, Dan.

Only 161 more games to go...

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