Pop Will Eat Its Children, Pt. 4

35. "If It Makes You Happy," Sheryl Crow

1996
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: #10

A singer-songwriter who manages to be a spectacular fail-bomb at both singing and songwriting. Sheryl Crow is an episode of Friends turned into a person.

Keep it? NO

"Jesus Christ Pose," Soundgarden

1991
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: Did not chart

Before the black hole, there was the white cross. "Jesus Christ Pose" is an episode of Game Of Thrones turned into a song.

34. "Don't Let Go (Love)," En Vogue

1996
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: #2

Flings are fun, but ain't no thing like the real thing. Or so I've heard tell.

R&B stopped being sexy after 1996.

Keep it? NO

"Pony," Ginuwine

1996
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: #6

See?

The members of En Vogue want full commitment; Ginuwine wants to break some random chick's back like a Pringle. Humans shouldn't be capable of such wicked magic. Timbaland's beat consists of sand-streaked drums, a belching pterodactyl, a goddamn cartoon sound effect, and still steams my clothes off.

33. "XXX," Helium

1994
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: Did not chart

Smart money on whore-as-victim. Too bad people are so dumb.

Keep it? NO

"Pat's Trick," Helium

1995
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: Did not chart

Singer/guitarist/fire woman Mary Timony has a brother named Patrick, but I have no proof this is about him. I do know a Patrick with "long-ass curly hair," and oh oh oh oh, I've decided to make this song all about him. Trust me, he's a good guy, the kinda fella you'd wanna be trapped in an airborne fish net with. While you're squirming and gagging, ol' Pat's less than a foot away, sawing at the nylon with an unappetizing fingernail.

32. "I'll Be," Foxy Brown (feat. Jay-Z)

1997
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: #7

Great sample. Thump is key. Foxy Brown, possessor of the "ill na na," was positioned as Li'l Kim 2.0--sexy, stylish, but also tough and independent. She starts her rhyme in the cowgirl position and…it just goes downhill from there.

Keep it? NO

"Cold Rock A Party (single remix)," MC Lyte (feat. Missy Elliott)

1996
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: #11

Diana Ross gets cold-cocked by the best-sounding female MC ever. Missy's rampant non-lyricism is unsurprisingly a fun contrast.

31. "Born Slippy (Nuxx)," Basement Jaxx

1996
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: Did not chart

A huge hit in their native UK, thanks to its appearance in Trainspotting, this bulldozer doesn't need scrawny thieving gingers in order to run. Insouciant ravers turned a bleak fear of the future into a ebullient refusal to give a fuck about the future.

Keep it? YES