J.K. Rowling
July 21 is a great date to release things into the world. Ernest Hemingway, Sonic Youth's second sellout album. Anticipation for the seventh and final installment of the blockbusting Harry Potter saga was so great it made worldwide news. Lines of eager readers formed outside bookstores, dominating entire blocks, some decked out in costumes. It wasn't a mere book release, sweeties, it was a happening.
Deathly Hallows is still the fastest-selling book of all the times, with fifteen million copies snapped up in the first 24 hours. Was it worth it? Ist ein Eisbär Hoden kalt?
Lord Voldemort is taking over. Severus Snape, his mole of long-standing, reports that the Order of the Phoenix will be removing Harry Potter from the Dursley home four days before he turns seventeen, and loses the blood protection he's had over him since his mother's murder. Pounding back Polyjuice potion like angel's spit, six members of the Order turn into Harry. Along with the real deal, and seven protectors, they take to the sky. The Death Eaters ambush. George Weasley loses an ear, Harry loses an owl, and Moody loses a life. As Moody was a man, and not a cat, he's gone for good.
Joy can be keenly felt in even the most tumultuous times, and the impeding nuptials of Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour keep spirits at the Burrow high. More or less. Hermione's still coming to grips with having wiped her parents' memories of her before sending them out of the country. Then there's Harry, trying to reconcile the fact that the fate of the free Wizarding world rests in his hands, yet he has no solid plan of action.
Minister Scrimgeour arrives bearing Dumbledore's will, and three items he bequeathed: a Deluminator for Ron, a book for Hermione, and for Harry, the very first Golden Snitch he ever caught in a Quidditch match. (He also left the Sword of Gryffindor for the Boy Who Lived, but it's gone missing.)
The Death Eaters are kind enough to wait until the actual wedding part of the festivities has gone down before assassinating the Minister and bumrushing the show. Harry, Ron and Hermione disapparate together, winding up at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.
Speaking with Kreacher, Harry solves the mystery of who left the note in the fake Slytherin's locket: Regulus Black, brother of Sirius, a former Death Eater foolish enough to think he could defect and not feel the wrath of his former master. His revenge on the Dark Lord was to replace the locket Horcrux with a duplicate. Regulus died in the act, but Kreacher was able to take the locket to Grimmauld Place (although, as he laments, not able to destroy it). OOTP member Mundungus Fletcher would later steal it for his back alley fencing operation, which is where none other than Dolores Umbridge took it in exchange for not putting him in prison.
The trio sip some Polyjuice and infiltrate the Ministry of Magic, now a hotbed of propaganda and harassment. Twatcakes like Umbridge flourish in such environments. Having a piece of her hero stolen from her by a blood traitor, half-blood and Muggleborn must have really singed her bountiful butt-hairs.
The fun really starts when they (well, Hermione) accidentally blow their cover at Grimmauld Place. Camping trip, which they can do since Hermione has a bottomless bag of all sorts of useful items. One thing they can't do? Destroy that goddamn locket. So each of the three take turns wearing it, switching off once the bad vibes emanating from the cursed jewelry become unbearable.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the locket's jibes affect Ron most profoundly, to the point he abandons the two people he swore to die beside.
Hermione and Harry continue the desperate quest. Where the hell would Voldemort hide bits of his soul? They try Godric's Hollow, the village where Harry's parents lived and died. There is indeed a Horcrux there, and it nearly kills them both before they can flee.
Wandering 'round in the Forest of Dean, Harry spots a silver doe Patronus. He follows it to a freezing lake, at the bottom of which lies the sword of Gryffindor. Once he grabs the sword, the locket 'round his neck begins strangling him. It's the ignominious end of Harry Potter, except no, 'cause who drags him out of the lake but ya baby mama's favorite chess player, Ronald fucking Weasley.
The locket starts belching Ron's inferiority complex, but he's a true Gryffindor. Another Horcrux down.
Harry is understandably, "Dude?" Ron explains he'd been staying with Bill and Fleur, wracking his brain for a way to get back to his mates. The answer came when he turned on the Deluminator gifted him by Dumbledore and heard Hermione's voice uttering his name.
Oh, and about uttering names…a Taboo curse has been placed on the name "Voldemort," meaning anyone brazen enough to utter it--AKA, members of the Order of the Phoenix--will be immediately beset upon by the Dark Lord's "Snatchers."
Ron's return reinvigorates the search. The group visit Xenophilius Lovegood, hoping to find out more about a mysterious symbol that's been popping up in their quest (the same one that appeared on the back of Tom Riddle's ring). XL's been pretty bummed since Snatchers abducted his daughter Luna, but he patiently explains what the symbol is and what it represents: the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone, and the Invisibility Cloak. Together, they comprise the Deathly Hallows. Anyone who could claim ownership of all three items would be considered the master of death.
After helping the trio, Xenophilius then helps out the Snatchers by snitching on Harry. One of Hermione's more overlooked moments of brilliance enables them to escape.
Voldemort is not one to have others do all of his dirty work, though. Only he could break into Dumbledore's tomb and steal the Elder Wand.
Yell all you want at Ron for leaving, it's Harry who says the name "Voldemort" and gets 'em all snatched up. At Malfoy Manor, an entirely too-thrilled Bellatrix Lestrange orders the boys to the cellar (where they join Luna, Dean Thomas, the goblin Griphook and wandmaker Ollivander) while Hermione is hit repeatedly with the Cruciatus Curse. When Bella demands to know how they ended up with the sword, Hermione tries an enormous bluff that pays off when Griphook plays along. While this is going on, Harry takes out a shard of the mirror Sirius Black gave him way back in Order of the Phoenix and asks for help.
It's hero time, Dobby! As a token of eternal gratitude, accept this mortal knife wound.
Over a couple weeks at Bill and Fleur's place, Harry and the Helpersons concoct a plan to break into Bellatrix's vault at Gringotts. He suspects that the cup of Helga Hufflepuff is within its walls, and that it is also a Horcrux. Thanks to some stray hairs, Hermione is able to Polyjuice into her tormentor. Ron accompanies her in disguise, while Harry and Griphook shuffle along under the Cena cloak. Things go unbelievably great (they get the cup) and then predictably terrible (Griphook sells them out). Any day you can exit a building via dragon, though, must be considered a successful one.
Back to school.
Horcruxes are getting destroyed left and right. Ron and Hermione take out the Cup (and finally kiss). Then the diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw perishes in Fiendfyre that one of Malfoy's idiot chums lets fly in the Room of Requirement.
Pretty much everyone who has ever been in a Harry Potter book shows up to fight the Battle of Hogwarts. A chastened Percy Weasley appears, and his timing is impeccable, since Fred Weasley is killed by flying wall just a short time later. (A neat set-up for all the copies of Deathly Hallows that hit walls right after.)
Voldemort kills Snape to become master of the Elder Wand. Or so he thinks. See, what had happened, Draco Malfoy became master of the Elder Wand the moment he disarmed Dumbledore atop the Astronomy Tower. Then, during the escape from Malfoy Manor, Harry disarmed Draco, meaning he is now the master of the Elder Wand. And the Elder Wand will never kill its master.
Before Snape goes all the way over, Harry finds him. Snape pulls out one last memory, and breathes his last.
So much insane stuff has happened by the time Harry realizes he's a Horcrux, I couldn't even be surprised. Of course Harry must die, or at least, that part of Voldemort squirming inside of him must die. The Dark Lord takes down young Harry with the AK, sending him to a metaphysical recreation of Kings Cross Station, a sort of limbo where he speaks with the spirit of Albus Dumbledore. Even in the afterlife, old Alby Dumby is a calming fount of wisdom. By using Harry's blood to regain a biped form, Voldemort inadvertently shielded him from dying.
(This is why you have consultants; surely one would have pointed out the hitches in the whole immortality scheme.).
Voldemort announces the death of Harry Potter. Premature jocularity ensues. Then Harry pops up off the ground, and the audience explodes like they'd just seen zombie Linda McMahon come up off the stool. After taking the time to break down for Voldemort the myriad of ways in which he failed, Harry takes him down at last.
But wait there's more! An epilogue, set nineteen years after the Battle, just specific enough and just vague enough to piss off hundreds of thousands, possibly millions.
Hopefully by now any and all peeved at the admittedly slipshod coda have taken to heart the lesson at the core of not just Deathly Hallows but in the six preceding volumes: love outlasts hate, so good will always triumph over evil. Voldemort could not fathom love, much less feel it, thus he was unable to prepare an adequate defense or offense against a boy so caring and cared for.
Director-David Yates
Writer-Steve Kloves
Wherein, the producers do to the final book what they could have done to the last four: split the meffer.
Part One is essentially two hours of set-up. Everything that needs to happen, happens. One thing that didn't need to happen, ever, in any universe, in any draft of any script, happened.
Ron's gone. Harry and Hermione are sad. They're out in the woods, cold and hungry, with no clue what to do next. Harry turns up the radio. They dance to Nick Cave's "O Children."
Are you kidding me, Kloves? I'd rather watch myself die. At least that's canon.
Other than that horrific error in basic human decency, Part One gives fans much to embrace. The Tale of the Three Brothers sequence is E for emosawa, and finally the three main actors coalesce! Daniel Radcliffe's earnestness is more sincerely enjoyable than any film since the second. Emma Watson kills it at last! And no one had to slap her forehead or shave her eyebrows! Rupert Grint shows that he's much more than comic relief, nailing the darker side of Ron.
I shan't forget the others. Bonnie Wright is such a special actress. She weakens the skillset of anyone she shares screen time with. Absolutely she could turn Helen Mirren into Helen Hunt. Seeing Imelda Staunton again gave me a phantom seizure. Actors show up to play Remus, Tonks, Bill and Fleur, but if the script didn't care I doubt you will either.
And the ending--the middle?--is nice and evil.
BETTER IN YOUR HEAD?
Remus Lupin fans deep down had to appreciate his diminished role considering that the book shows Remus at his weakest moment. He shows up at Grimmauld Place and offers to accompany the trio on their hunt. Yep, he would much rather join their little gang and rush headlong towards certain death than be a husband and father.
Half-ass job with Lupin and Tonks, a half-ass job with Bill Weasley's scars--that adds up to one whole ass! Listen, Bill in the books was left so fucked up by Fenrir Greyback that pretty much everyone in his family expected his fiancee to haul her haughty ass back to France. Rowling used the word "grotesque." A couple neat and tidy scars down the cheeks does not equal grotesque.
Nuance? No, dance. A bone for the H/Hr shippers that the rest of us can choke on. Between that and the Horcrux kiss, I'm so glad I didn't see Pt. 1 in a theater. My Steve Spurrier impression would not have proven popular.
The Ron/Hermione moments that do make the movies must have killed Kloves, but they're nothing compared to what's in the book.
Radcliffe and Grint are mesmerizing during the tent fight. Still, replacing Ron's "I get it. You choose him" with the more soap opera-sounding "I saw you two the other night" shows just how much Steve Kloves did not get Ron.
I hope whoever suggested the use of silhouette animation for the "Three Brothers" segment was eventually given oral sex until they passed out as a reward.
Bellatrix torturing Hermione, ultimately another misstep in the movie. The torture itself is played well by Emma Watson and Helena Bonham Carter, with the former letting out some fantastically chilling screams. In the book, however, she wasn't the only one. In the cellar below, hearing the love of his life getting Crucio'ed to within an inch of her sanity, Ron is going out of his mind, screaming Hermione's name over and over, pounding walls. Heartbreaking. In the movie? Just have Rupert make faces.
All right, to be fair, the torture sequence actually had to be cut to keep the rating PG-13. Wouldn't want to upset the kids! That's also why they had Dobby stun Wormtail. Bullshit. If you've read the book, you know how Wormtail goes out. So hardcore.
Speaking of Dobby, maybe his death would have hit just a bit harder if he had actually shown up in any movie between Chamber of Secrets and this one.
I wonder what non-readers thought when they saw the mirror shard. Hell, even I had to think for a minute.
MIND THE GAP
The Elder Wand is not to be confused with the Elder Juan, a nice old fellow who lived on the same block as my family in southwest Texas back in the early Seventies. Juan taught my mom everything she still knows about genuine Mexican cuisine. Why she never started up a restaurant named Gringo Star is beyond me.
I'd have zero qualms with people Poly'ing my juice. Who wouldn't want to possess my tits, even if for a limited time only?
Muggleborns are under suspicion, dragged from their homes and brought before the Ministry on suspicion of having "stolen" their magical powers. That's what I love about these books, they're so fantastical.
There are five exceptions to "Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration," one of which is food. Food cannot be created from thin air, however, it can be enlarged, multiplied or summoned from a particular location. For all the bitching that the trio did about insufficient sustenance whilst in the woods, they should have been able to "increase the quantity" of whatever food they did acquire, be it mushrooms, fish whatever. Hermione herself points this out! Yet there's no evidence they ever did so. How do you explain it away when a wizard didn't do it?
Arthur Weasley is the Secret Keeper for the Burrow. Bill Weasley is the Secret Keeper for Shell Cottage. Why didn't James Potter just act as the Secret Keeper for the house at Godric's Hollow, then? Why trust some other man, much less one with the initials P.P?
I don't usually pay attention to fan theories, since most of them are embarrassing wish fulfillment, but this one? I had to stand up just to sit back down.
Hear me out--Brian Blessed as Hagrid. Holding the assumed corpse of the savior, he staggers away from Lord Voldemort and his gleefully villainous cadre, stopping after several feet to drop the body onto the ground. With a long piteous moan, Hagrid pulls at his filthy shirt with one meaty hand, and at his even filthier hair with the other meaty hand. The next ninety seconds consists of him saying the name "Harry" over and over, louder and louder, until it's seventeen syllables long.
What the hell spell'd ol' Moll conjure to turn Bellatrix into Grape Nuts? My pal Pat suggests "Avada Asplodabitch," which may also be the name of a Russian tennis player.
Director-David Yates
Writer-Steve Kloves
Begins with the (proper) burial of Dobby, a scene that Alexandre Desplat's soundtrack lends unearned moroseness.
We see a bit more of Domhnall Gleeson and Clemence Poesy as Bill and Fleur (marrying a Weasley has altered Fleur's accent, from super-French to sorta-English. Rather IBS to diarrhea, no?). Lovely house, you two.
This is where the action lives, and Yates more or less gets it right. Honestly I'd prefer to commend the special effects team.
Two kisses in this one: a peck between the hero and his girl (Harry/Ginny kisses are death: stiff, cold and devastating to witness.) and a smooch between the other hero and his girl. I bet Kloves had to avert his eyes in the theater.
The acting is even better. Radcliffe always looked a good Harry (except in Goblet of Fire, where practically no one looked a good anything except good and terrible), but his acting rarely dipped below or rose above "functional." Here he's actually outstanding, with the script failing him instead of the other way around.
Rupert Grint gets to show off those reliable comedic chops in Part Two (his reaction to the Fiendfyre is by far the funniest thing in either part, in fact). I haven't mentioned Matthew Lewis as Neville, and that's on me. His growth from forgetful butterball to fairly hunky Horcrux killer is something to celebrate.
Helena Bonham Carter acting like Emma Watson acting like Helena Bonham Carter pretending to be Hermione. Almost makes me forgive the dancing. And even the arm-licking.
Alan Rickman is still taking his sweet time speaking words that drip with malevolence. Maggie Smith is still effortlessly dignified, still endlessly captivating.
Robbie Coltrane is still very large and hirsute.
The last Harry Potter movie clocked in at a mere 130 minutes, making it the shortest of the eight films. With a worldwide gross of $1.3 billion, also the most successful. Well-deserved. The story's great, the acting's tops, and visually nothing else in the series is as breathtaking (CGI dragon!). Tremendous way to wrap it up.
The Battle at Hogwarts looks amazing. Nothing could top reading it for the first time. The emotions were not only higher, they morphed. It was an event in the book, rather than an accomplishment.
When Harry goes to face Voldemort in the forest, he just goes. He doesn't go to see Ron and Hermione, or anyone, okay? Kloves, I swear to God…I was ready to punt a child in that fucking movie theater.
Fiendfyre is so relentlessly bro. Uncontrollable flame that can transform into animal shapes and is resistant to water is incredible dark magic that a complete imbecile like Goyle shouldn't be able to cast. And yet.
The book doesn't include the Dark Lord, the most feared evil wizard of ever apparently, the insane fascist prick who split his soul into pieces, doing the hokey-pokey or giving out Aspie hugs. That's like auto-victory, right there.
You could have tried harder, movie. Only 130 minutes, you could have put aside a few extra for the death and mourning of a fucking Weasley. No shot of Arthur comforting Molly, probably the only thing keeping him from falling apart beside her. No Percy going apeshit on Death Eaters. We don't even see the reunion with Percy! The only truly affecting moment is Ron's reaction to seeing his brother's corpse. I don't know where Grint went in his mind for that and I'm not sure I want to know.
Ron, man. On the printed page, he defies a Silencing Spell just to remind Voldemort what a no-nose-havin' piece of crap he continues to be. Loyal as fifty beagles, brave as twenty German Shepherds.
Plus he gets the girl! Double bonus, the best girl! Hermione Granger is the smartest, cleverest, most resourceful, kick-face girl around. Ron Weasley--who has in the past several years confronted a loo troll, faced down ginormous spiders, wondered as to the extent of Sirius Black's frogginess whilst hobbled, and jumped into a frigid body of water to save his mad best friend from being murdered by a deranged piece of jewelry--remembers the house elves, those steadfast servants of a school under siege, and it is that act of selflessness which earns him a hearty snog from the bushy-haired brainiac of his no doubt fragmented and messy dreams. So Hermione's amateur activism ended up good for something after all!
Their kiss in the film looks great. But it doesn't feel as satisfying.
Snape's last words are changed from "Look…at…me" to "Look at me. You have your mother's eyes." Right, except blue.
Christ, "The Prince's Tale." The story of a man who swears to protect the son of the woman he loved at the expense of any other joy in life...while also swearing to serve the freak who murdered that woman. Alan Rickman is riveting. No, Snape isn't there at Godric's Hollow on the night the Potters died, but I'm glad they added that scene, just because it gave us more Alan Rickman. The only Potter performance that deserved Oscar attention was his in the second Deathly Hallows.
Dumbledore telling Harry about that extra blood protection is pretty crucial. So definitely don't include that.
Ah, the epilogue. Marrying your high school sweetheart and popping out lazily-named brats isn't for everyone. I never disliked it; actually rather liked it more when I saw the more vehemently negative reactions.
MIND THE GAP
The fairly popular belief that Neville should have been the one to knock off Bellatrix Lestrange, as revenge for turning his parents into human husks is an agreeable one on its face, but unrealistic beneath the skin. Molly had only just recently pulled herself off the corpse of her son and her only daughter nearly died right in front of her eyes.
Hell, Neville had more of a right to take out Voldemort himself, considering that it was almost him who became known as the Boy Who Lived.
Going back to Sybill Trelawney's prophecy, there were indeed two male children born in late July 1980 whose parents told Voldy take a flying fuck at rolling donut on three separate occasions: Harry Potter and…Neville Longbottom. Voldemort pursued the half-blood babe, and sealed his own fate.
What could have been, y'all. "Neville Longbottom and the Chamber of Secrets." "Neville Longbottom and the Half-Blood Prince." The gay porn industry would be as big as Snapchat right now.
Voldemort fears death and seeks to master it; Harry accepts it, has the means to master it, but then discards them. Well, except the cloak, which IS the best of the Hallows, y'know. Sacrifice is noble, and death is inevitable: "I am ready to die."
BEFORE I GO...
...there's still a couple things I need to address.
RON AND HERMIONE, A LOVE STORY
Authors are under no obligation to make their pot a melting one. To thine own self must they be unflinchingly true. What might seem a "limited" worldview is really a necessity of form and function. Fiction yearns for restrictions, and the author should trust themselves to set them, just as the reader should respect them. Both of them need to, at a certain point, close the book.
J.K. Rowling is not just a regular author, however; she's one of the few who's made a fortune on their way to changing the world. So when she comes out, years later, and says Dumbledore was gay, it felt like pandering. As a queer human being, I never feel that a storyteller is compelled to represent my sexuality in their universe.
Then she came out and said that putting Ron and Hermione together was a mistake.
Creator regrets are inevitable. Public statements on them are ill-advised, but not impermissible. Rowling's revelation started a firestorm with the fandom, as certain fans felt vindicated for disbelieving the canon, while others felt betrayed. It also raised a myriad of questions: Is an interview canon? (Nope) Is there a certain point where a writer just needs to let their story be, and damn the maybes? (Yep) Does this woman not own a fucking journal? (Dunno)
Did the ensuing uproar cause Rowling to backpedal? Fucking hell. The woman moonwalked like no white person before or since. Ron and Hermione will be fine, she assured fans, "with a bit of counseling."
I personally didn't get upset; after all, if it's not in one of the books, canon it ain't. What Rowling says in an interview doesn't mean a damn thing. Your opinion is every bit as valid.
I rooted for Ron and Hermione since day one. They're a perfect give and take. I have seen people claim their personalities and intellects are too disparate to allow for a healthy relationship. I have also seen people call it an abusive relationship, implying that fans who support their union are defending domestic violence. Those people are hopelessly lost in their worldview.*
Ron's not a jerk, he's just plagued with self-doubt. His issues stem from ceaseless comparisons to his best friend--one of the most legendary wizards ever to live. The kid fails to realize, anyone bar Merlin himself would come up lacking against Harry flippin' Potter.
Ask yourself: would Hermione Granger put up with an abusive partner? End of.
Not to mention, Harry and Hermione would be a stodgy-ass couple. Among other offenses, their sexual encounters would be quite low-volume.
(For the record, I ship the following: Harry with intensive psychotherapy, Ron with a bacon butty, and Hermione with a bookshelf 100 feet long.)
SEVERUS SNAPE, HERO OR VILLAIN?
Or, flawed human?
Alan Rickman once said: "I don't play villains, I play very interesting people." (Great quote, if not entirely accurate. As someone who grew up in the USA during the 1980s, trust me, the man at least once played a villain.) Severus Snape, gifted wizard with the charm of a snail trail, certainly qualifies as interesting. It's not often one gets the opportunity to be a triple agent.
Rickman's masterful performance (including that panty-dropper voice) influenced numerous fans to forgive the character of Snape a multitude of sins, make excuses for his vindictive nature, and ship him with Harry's mother (while subsequently vilifying Harry's father for being a schoolyard bully). Snape was a brave man. By any measure worth a damn. But this so-called everlasting love for a woman who considered him only a friend (at least, until he called her a "Mudblood") was really a debilitating obsession.
Snape regarded Harry as a miniature of the man who made Severus's school days hell, and he asked Voldemort to spare her life. (Which he tried to, in fact.) Snape did not care if James or baby Harry died. He did not consider Lily's devastation at the loss of her family. So don't try to convince me Severus Snape was some sort of great tormented romantic hero. He was, at best, a conflicted schmuck who did the right thing for arguably the wrong reason.
*She typed after a minute of deep breaths and rapid blinks.
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