2003
J.K. Rowling
SPOILER ALERT, it was the ! of times, it was the ! of times.
Harry Potter is feeling forgotten. He senses profound things are happening, things that he should be aware of and involved with, yet for some odd reason he isn't.
Of all times! Not even a year has passed since the night that still haunts Harry's sleep, a night that saw the rebirth of the most evil dark wizard in history, and the senseless murder of a schoolmate. The Ministry of Magic not only refuses to take Harry at his word, they're in the midst of a smear campaign directed against him and Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Harry's school, and the closest thing the boy has to a father figure.
Who is also keeping his distance.
Life at Privet Drive is no respite, never has been and never will be. Dudley's developed into a thug, a vandal, a smoker of cigarettes. Well on his way to winding up the Lowell Lee Andrews of England, if only that country shared America's carefree attitude toward firearms. Both he and Harry have taken to finding ways to pass the time outside the Dursley residence, usually careful to keep fair distance from one another. One evening, though, the boys wind up walking home together. The night suddenly grows darker and colder--Dementors. Before one can smooch away his soul, Harry is able to rip off a Patronus spell that saves both his and Dudley's hides.
Harry faces trial for using magic 'round Muggles. Dumbledore shows up to save the day, then promptly splits without so much as a "How's your owl?" to Harry.
Salvation of a sort comes when Mad-Eye Moody and Remus Lupin, among others, take Harry from Privet Drive Number Twelve Grimmauld Place in London, an invisible townhouse in a Muggle neighborhood, domicile of Sirius Black and headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix, a secret group led by Dumbledore, committed to the fight against Voldemort. Membership includes Moody, Lupin, Minerva McGonagall, Aurors Kingsley Shacklebolt and Nymphadora Tonks, Arthur and Molly Weasley, and…Severus Snape?!
Ron and Hermione are already at the grim old place when Harry arrives, the perfect targets for his misdirected anger. The boy is getting mighty petulant; all these people, and still, no one is telling him anything substantive.
School, as is its custom, worsens matters. As a fifth year, Harry will be taking his O.W.L. exams. Stressful enough. Then there the fifth Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher in five years, an honor which goes to Ministry bureaucrat/humanoid toad Dolores Umbridge. And students will take umbrage with that bitch. She's Voldemort's girl through and through, her prim and proper facade masking a vicious totalitarian streak. First, she decides that her class doesn't need to learn defensive spells, since no true threats exist in the world outside Hogwarts. Book-learning will suffice. Harry openly rebels, and pays the price in the form of an especially cruel punishment that is, essentially, self-torture. Undaunted, he goes on to co-create a student organization where defense spells will be taught. Named "Dumbledore's Army" by Ginny Weasley, the 29-strong group meets covertly in the Room of Requirement to sharpen their skills.
Gnarly shit continues. Harry dreams of Arthur Weasley being ambushed in his Ministry office by a serpent, which is where Dumbledore and McGonagall find him, near death. Realizing that Voldemort is intruding Harry's mind, Dumbledore orders him to take Occlumency lessons with Snape. These weekly sessions are designed to teach the young wizard how to keep his thoughts safe. Given the antagonistic relationship between prof and stu, though, progress is slow. Harry doesn't help matters by helping himself to a peek into the Potions master's pensive, catching glimpses of his own father, along with Sirius Black, bullying Snape at Hogwarts when they were students. Snape catches Harry, tosses him out on his ass, and refuses to continue the lessons.
If Harry and Dumbledore seem to be drifting apart, Harry and Cho Chang are only growing closer. This turns out to be regretful misalliance, since she is still a wreck over Cedric's death. Doesn't mean they can't kiss, though.
The DA is caught after some bitch named Marietta snitches, and Dumbledore takes full responsibility. He escapes Hogwarts before the Ministry can take him in, however, allowing Dolores Umbridge to take her wrongful place as the new Headmaster. Her influence and power at Hogwarts spreads like a fungal infection. The students are learning from a new, Ministry-approved curriculum...when they're not being physically punished for wrongdoings invented practically on the spot. To boot, Umbridge is checking all the fireplaces and mail owls, so no communication with the outside world escapes her (and the Ministry's) notice.
Fred and George Weasley, never the most studious sons of Molly, drop out in spectacular fashion. Their dream of opening a joke shop will soon be a reality. Their parents won't cotton to that too tough, but the reaction will probably be somewhat muted, considering what's gone down with Percy. The most ambitious of the Weasley spawn, Percy has been named Junior Assistant to the Minister of Magic, a promotion that his father suggests is just a way to use a Weasley as a snitch. In the familial fallout, Percy basically disowns his parents. (He does keep in touch with certain relatives, though, even sending Ron a letter urging his youngest brother to sever ties with the troublesome Harry Potter. Ron, a bad brother and an awesome friend, treats that missive like I treat the first and second notices of my light bill.)
It all comes to a head when Harry experiences a vision of Voldemort torturing Sirius in a room full of glass balls. Hermione's all, "It's a trap!" and you'd think by now he'd listen to her, but this is Harry Potter and the Year of Angst, but they don't hear him though! He does at least listen when she suggests breaking into Umbridge's office to access the fireplace. As Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Neville and Luna all keep watch, Harry travels to Grimmauld Place. Kreacher the house-elf informs Harry that Sirius is at the Department of Mysteries, located in the Ministry of Magic. Harry transports back to Hogwarts--Umbridge awaits. Soon, the Inquisitorial Squad (Draco Malfoy and his ilk) show up with the others. Umbridge calls for Snape to bring Veritaserum but he informs her that he's plum out, and she'll have to wait a full month before more is available. Harry, in a Granger-ian moment of brilliance, is able to tip off Snape before the older man leaves the office.
With the threat of torture looming, Hermione resumes her duties as lead hash-saver when she tricks Umbridge into taking her and Harry to the Forbidden Forrest, alleged home to Dumbledore's "secret weapon." Umbridge winds up saying the wrong thing to the wrong kind, and gets dragged away by centaurs.
Ron, Neville, Ginny and Luna managed to brush off the Inquisitorial Squad--must've been trained well. All six kids hop aboard the flying horses called Thestrals and head to the Ministry. Inside, they work their way though the Department of Mysteries, finally entering the Hall of Prophecy, where shelves upon shelves of glowing glass orbs contain, well, prophecies. This is the room Harry saw in his vision, yet neither Sirius nor Voldemort are anywhere to be found.
Harry notices one of the orbs has his name on it, alongside Voldemort's. Just as he grabs it, Death Eaters appear. They want that orb. Despite being outnumbered and overpowered, one-fourth of Dumbledore's Army puts up a decent fight until members of the Order of the Phoenix arrive.
Including Sirius Black, alive and well, until Bellatrix Lestrange (his own cousin, a foul wench even by DE standards) blasts him to wherever wizards go when they're Big Long Gone. Neville accidentally shatters the Prophecy Orb. Voldemort shows up to duel Dumbledore, and I swear I haven't felt this excited about a one-on-one since the Mega Powers collided. Fawkes even shows up, you remember the deux es birdie from Chamber of Secrets? He takes an Avada Kedavra straight to the grill, poor guy.
Voldemort, in a last ditch effort to avoid looking weak in front of his squad for the second book in a row, tries to possess Harry's body, only to retreat when confronted with the boy's powerful emotions towards his godfather.
Cornelius Fudge is forced to step down in the aftermath. That cardigan-clad cunt Umbridge is also sent packing, and Dumbledore reassumes his office. Which Harry then proceeds to smash up, 'cause goddamnit, he is pissed in the American way. All these unanswered questions and now a dead godfather?
Dumbledore calmly info dumps, then extracts a memory and places it into his Pensieve. Harry watches as Dumbledore interviews Sybill Trelawney for the Divination post at Hogwarts. She tells Dumbledore that a boy would be born near the end of July 1980 to parents who'd thrice denied Lord Voldemort. This boy would possess powers beyond even the Dark Lord's ken, powers that he could use to destroy Voldemort once and for all. She notes gravely that "neither can live while the other survives."
Voldemort learned of this conversation, but longed to learn the contents of the full prophecy, which he suspected would give him the information he needed to defeat not only Harry, but also death.
Dumbledore explains to Harry why he kept his distance (didn't want to give Voldemort a chance to exploit their connection) and why Harry must keep living with the Dursleys, which is quite a doozy: the protection granted when Lily Potter made the ultimate sacrifice extends to her sister, Petunia Dursley. So even though his auntie would just as soon spit on his decaying corpse as hug him, she is keeping Harry Potter alive and well.
Coming in at 870 pages, Order of the Phoenix is the largest book of the whole series. The size is absolutely justified, plus a spoonful extra. Arriving on shelves three years after Goblet of Fire, Rowling made sure to give the fans some of what they wanted and more of what they needed. While there's light-hearted moments and cool new magical items, the story is what keeps pages turning. And the story would never get darker than it is here. Harry's struggles are just a small part of the greater strife.
Considering further that this is the most skillfully written and smartly paced entry in the series, I can't place OOTP any lower than number two on my overall ranking of Potter novels. The initial appeal these books held (immersion in a world beyond my wildest imaginings) has given way to a dreadful epiphany: that mystical, enchanting realm and my humdrum, earthly one are equally susceptible to prejudices and corruptions that, unchecked, can cover us in suffocating darkness.
Director-David Yates
Writer-Michael Goldberg
Longest book, shortest movie? Sure!
Steve Kloves passed on the opportunity to pen movie five, and composer Patrick Doyle didn't return (possibly wasn't asked), allowing Nicholas Hooper to flirt with dissonance, including horrendously out of place electric guitar.
Behold, the widest gap in quality of all Potter adaptations. Pity, since the acting's getting better and better. Emma Watson put the kibosh on the face acting, and with the absence of her #1fan, she gets only a single Pink Power Granger moment, introducing the gang to Luna Lovegood (that honor went to Ginny in the book, but the films have already made explicit their "Ginny Weasley--Bland or Blandest?" policy).
Oh, Luna Lovegood. She wasn't a blonde in the books, but who cares? Imagine Navi from Ocarina of Time, but human, and not irritating. All praise due the iridescence of Ireland's own Evanna Lynch, whose rise from superfan to supporting cast with no prior professional acting credits to her name is nothing short of astounding.
She'd have stolen the whole shebang, if not for Imelda Staunton. Dolores Umbridge is described in the book as a "toad," and no one on Earth could have done the role more justice. Not even Louise Fletcher with an accent coach. Staunton is the loathsome wibbitch, head to toe and every body part in between (especially that black heart beating underneath a pink cardigan).
OOTP is our first gander at Bellatrix Lestrange, played to the sunken-eyed, socket-touching hilt by Helena Bonham Carter. In an earlier review, I mentioned that the name "Gambon" was close to "Hambone." Well, not as close as "Bonham" is, that's for fucking sure. I can see why Tim Burton only let her out of the house three months out of the year.
The look of the film is super-fine..sharp, actually with a preponderance of chill blue, suggesting a non-oppressive winter. Oh hey, the ending's solid too. Heartwarming, dare I say?
BETTER IN YOUR HEAD?
The adaptation is far from a pitiable effort, but nah, this ain't really close. Harry's vituperative personality isn't to everyone's taste, but his issue isn't "Mommy and Daddy won't listen to me!" it's "Mommy and Daddy are dead and the maniacal dribble-bucket who murdered them is after me!"
With OOTP we see the cost of lightening the story for the kids in the audience. The filmmakers took the guts from the original and discarded them, unable to detect anything profitable squirming around. Harry in the novel shows obvious signs of PTSD. He's an emotional minefield. I mean, the kid has the weight of the wizarding world on his skinny shoulders. When he meets up with his friends at Grimmauld Place, he starts yelling at them for ignoring him over the past month. Their retort--Dumbledore forbid them to contact Harry--only increases the frustration. This goes on awhile, driving Hermione practically to tears. The talk in the film is much shorter; basically, Harry just summarizes the plot of the last movie.
There's also no lashing out in Dumbledore's office. Sigh.
What a lost opportunity. Kids should know early on about tyranny, about leaders whose goals are the squashing of originality and creativity, whose every action seeks to discourage dissonance in the populace, heartless and soulless fuckers of mothers who hunger for power just so they can abuse it to their chest cavity's content.
Kids should learn about otherwise intelligent people falling for propaganda that appeals to their fears. Before they become those people.
A big sideplot in the book is Ron being named the Keeper on Gryffindor's Quidditch squad. His skill is evident, but his nerves turn him from Roberto Luongo in the regular season to Roberto Luongo in the postseason. Slytherin writes him a "tribute" song, "Weasley Is Our King," but Ron has the last laugh as Gryffindor take home the Cup. Shit yeah, Ron. Shame the filmmakers don't care about your growth or really want you to succeed.
Percy's estrangement from the Weasley family also hit the cutting room floor, which is perfectly understandable, but will absolutely hurt by the end.
No O.W.L. exams, no alakazams. Dobby dropped, again. See above.
I didn't need to see the room where Neville's parents sit, worthless to the world, victims of Bellatrix Lestrange's sadistic wand. That was sad enough to read about. Also plenty good not seeing my girl McG catch multiple spell blasts to the chest.
I am torn about the fight at the Department of Mysteries. Firstly, the sight of shattering glass globes is amazing. Aesthetically, this is what the term "the magic of movies" is all about. Yet back again I go to the earlier lamentation. The book was just so much scarier. It's kids fighting adults and the kids get messed up: Ginny breaks her ankle, Neville breaks his nose, Hermione's hit with an unknown spell that leaves her in hospital for days, and Ron is struck by a spell that renders him so loopy he summons brains--'cause there's a tank of brains nearby--which wrap around his arms, suffocating him.
(A smidgen of levity exists in the hapless form of Neville Longbottom, or rather Rowling's decision to write his post-injury dialogue phonetically. "Know" becomes "doe," "have" becomes "hab," etc. Imagining Neville's voice in my head helped keep me sane whilst reading.)
In the book, Albus tells Voldy, "your failure to understand that there are things much worse than death has always been your greatest weakness." The line does not appear in the movie, know why? Because the movie was made by scaredy cats who had a chance to make art but were content to simply make money.
MIND THE GAP
Is it possible for a person to be so bad, so detestable, so rotten to their core, that no punishment meted out to them could ever be deemed too harsh? Dolores Umbridge is a fascist-sucking, establishment-defending sadist. She gets her comeuppance in The Order of the Phoenix after insulting the centaurs in the Forbidden Forest. They respond by forcibly taking her off deep into the woods, where they…well, the author never tells us.
We can do our own research, or let someone else do it for us. Either way we learn that per Greek mythology, centaurs were a rape-happy bunch. Umbridge reappears near the end of the book, clearly traumatized. Harry and Hermione both find her devastation a cause for amusement. I promise that Hermione, at least, was aware of centaur culture. Yet, she gives no indication of remorse over what most likely happened to the older woman.
It chafes me when I see someone wish a rapist to be likewise sexually brutalized. Such a sentiment indicates that sexual assault is not wrong unless the victim is someone predetermined to be a "good" person, or an "innocent." Dolores Umbridge is unquestionably one of the more vile characters to appear in all of fiction, any language, any genre, any era. She attempted to indoctrinate impressionable youths with a values system built upon intolerance and more intolerance, de-emphasizing the individual in favor of the collective. Her ilk should be dispatched of, posthaste. The idea that death is insufficient punishment cracks me up. It's the end of life. How much more hardcore can retribution get?
"(S)lid squelchily" puts me in mind of Bart Simpson's heart making its way down a treehouse wall.
Ron's deadpan disdain for Crookshanks just destroys my whole shit.
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