Monday, May 4, 2009

If You Don't Think This Is the Worst Song Ever, I Will Fight You

Sickly, treacly 70s suburbanite sex fantasy as written by some backwoods yokel who thinks fishing metaphors are the height of Eros. There are people who claim that this song is a camp classic, that it can be enjoyed ironically, that it's so bad it's actually good. That despite being shapeless and spineless, this track is somehow a free-spirited ode to the good life. I blame Anchorman and Boogie Nights for the perpetuation of this utter falsehood. Even South Park must share be held accountable; "After School They'll Fight" is hilarious, but it seems to have somewhat validated the source material.

Put your keys in the punch bowl, and whoever you hook up with, you end up writing some bullshit song about how great it is to fuck on your lunch break. Get the fuck outta here.

And that cheeseball with nuts effect in the chorus? Oh my hell no.

"Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
and the thought of rubbin' you is getting so exciting." the stones represent the vagina? Terrifying.

I thought short and hard about whether this or "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith was my most hated song of all time, but it's gotta be "Afternoon Delight". Aerosmith's turd at least has that Diane Warren bombast to really give you some substance to hold onto and hate hate hate. But "Afternoon Delight" is just flavorless cotton candy. Bleh.

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