"Now with a lot of this crap out of the way, I can get back to the blog."
"Great. You should live blog the Top Chef finale."
"Er? Nah. I don't live blog. This isn't a political debate, it's a reality show."
"I read somewhere it's great exercise of sorts for the blogger looking to either get back into or get into the blogging experience. Just please don't make it a habit."
I can't imagine being the person who live blogs regularly. Award shows, sports events, political wheezefests...it's typing, not writing, and I still like to operate under the possible delusion that what I put up here on Trapper Jenn is quality writing. More often than not. So I may suck at this.
10:00 PM Oh shit, it's an audience. I thought we wouldn't have to deal with clappers till after the episode. For those unaware, the winner of this season will be announced live. I hope Hung loses and throws a chair bigger than himself at the ground.
10:01 God I hope Andy Cohen isn't at the reveal/reunion. I know, it's foolish to anticipate the Bravo honcho being anywhere else, but I seriously cannot stand him.
10:02 Chefs are getting ready in the bathroom. Casey is breathless and Hung is shirtless. How many viewers want it the other way around?
10:04 Casey still can't breathe. Stupid altitude.
10:05 Picking from the proteins/produce table, the chefs taste several items. Hung lamentably has not bitten into a Scotch Bonnet. Nice call on cooking duck, asshole. Ducks are for enjoying and taking pictures of, not eating. Way to confirm once and for all your utter lack of soul. Dale is mad 'cause the other two are doing prawns, kthx.
10:08 Holy shit, Rocco DiSpirito is Hung's sous chef. That motherfucker just walked out like a vision in white with an ego the size of a whale glowing from his magnificent chefly form. The greatest testament to the beauty of Aspen is that you could not even make out one bit of evidence re: the endless injections his face has undergone. Casey gets Michelle Bernstein and Dale, Todd English. Great twist. Interesting that Hung seems to think of the season, the bottom chefs were Micah, Clay and Howie. I would say he's not far off. At least none of them made placenta pesto like your boy Tre!
10:15 Oh the reunion is next week. "Chefs Gone Wild". Which means only one thing: Howie and Joey canoodling like two platypuses in love.
10:17 Rocco understands that Hung has a flavor.
10:19 Cameraman in the shot! Check for it on any of the 34 times this episode will be run this month. All those speedy knives...did I ever tell you about the time I sliced my left thumb on a meat slicer? Yeah, when I worked at the Woodpoint Bar and Grill. That's what happens when one places finishing the job at hand because you have a ride waiting outside on a higher priority than safety and common sense. That's such a key thing to know about a person, if they have physical scars, how many, and the backstories. Nose scar tales are almost always the best ones.
10:24 Reserving any and all judgments until I see the dishes. Though, the pork belly (Casey) and duck (Hung) might be the downfall of either.
10:26 Hung's bullshit translated into earth-people talk: "I really didn't even think about my artistically brilliant food having soul until the judges kept bringing it up. So now, I have decided to always mention it in hopes that I can convince someone that I actually make love to the food, not just fuck it."
10:28 Whenever I hear Hung talk about "soul", I save my sanity by hearing Lisa in the "Bart Sells His Soul" episode of The Simpsons. Then I imagine he gets hit in the head with a hot buttered roll. Sweet.
10:30 Fourth course? Bravo is in fact the evil. Oh shit, it's Sous Chefs! Oh my God, Howie! CJ! Hung cannot get Sara, they might actually work well together. SHIT! Casey is going to lose, she got SweatBull! CJ is going to put his fake ball in Hung's food! I love it!
10:32 Sara is the Queen. A Jamaican who looks like she's from India and talks like she's from Ireland. Unfortunately, I think she'll do her best for Hung. Although the last time she tried to do a dessert, in episode 4...dude. Oh, and there was the SS Caterus. Dude, if Hung loses off of Sara fucking up, she's up there with Lia in my heart forever. BFF, motherfuckers.
10:35 Casey is going as insane as you would expect someone to be when 100 grand is on the line and they are depending on Howie "Forgot to plate for Jesus at the Last Supper" Kleinberg. Love it. Shoulda rubbed his shiny dome for good luck, Casey!
10:37 It has hit me that Casey is fucked and I'm loving it. Sandbag this, ya pissy bitch! Ah, NYPD Blue. Remember that show? Hill Street Blues' recalcitrant nephew? It's getting more than 2 seasons out on DVD, why not the superior program that fathered its whole steezo? Fox Media can eat Tre's placenta pesto. Sara's Chicken ala King, even. Get Smart isn't in stores either. All sorts of injustices. Which I hope isn't tonight's theme.
10:41 Hey, Brian, not where you expected to be huh? Ha. They are dishing to an elite table outdoors. Dale's foie grase mousse looks eh, Casey's cinnamon scented scallop has foie grase apple going for it too and looks great. Hung's fish and chips is no doubt tastier than it looks. Ah, the judges agree. Fuck, live blogging those dish names is annoying.
10:43 Hung's got shrimp and cucumber salad. Ah, you lost me when you threw that vegetable in, loser. Dale has seared scallop. Oh shit it's Casey's poached prawn with lobster shit thrown in there. Dale getting raves, and of course, it's a goddamn scallop. Padma bringing up acid? Way to pay attention to people who know far more than you throughout the season, babe!
10:46 Jesus, this is like endless soup and shrimp at Red Lobster. Oh oh, duck time. Dale has brought lobster, corn, mushrooms and gnocchi. Casey has roasted a peach with her pork belly. Hmm. I find that flavor combination promising.
10:47 Hung is getting fellated by the judges. Dale was told to pull his pants back up. Casey got groped then slapped.
10:48 Hung has busted out le choco cake. Dale has poached lamb with squash. See Hung with shrimp, dude. Casey has seared sirloin with potatos. All of this looks like you just want to slam your face down onto the plate and have multis. Are they seriously considering Brian's opinion at the table? Dude almost wept at the sight of a hot air balloon.
10:50 Tom throwing his hands up in the air after someone else concedes a point to him is great. He takes this shit for serious.
10:51 The new Devo song Bravo is using in its ads is called "Watch Us Work It" and it's a welcome return to New Traditionalists-era Spudgunnery. The drum pattern is pretty much the one on "The Super Thing", but to recycle awesomeness is less an indicator of laziness than lazy brilliance. Ruminate on that one.
10:55 Hung has gone on record as saying if he does not win, the show is confirmed as a "fraud." Hung is already confirmed as Napoleon reincarnated as a pygmy sous chef.
10:57 Judges table. Dale gets a largely positive review. Padma just slurred out "repertoire".
10:58 Casey, there were leeks! I swear on everything I hold holy, which is basically nothing, that there were leeks with that goddamn dish! Stop this cutesy, shucks, um, lemme-splain-suttin' act, Casey. You were nervous and Howie was the pot of coffee that your central nervous system did not need. Big mile smile here.
11:00 Gail is gonna make Hung cry. Do it, Gail! Twist the knife!
10:17 Rocco understands that Hung has a flavor.
10:19 Cameraman in the shot! Check for it on any of the 34 times this episode will be run this month. All those speedy knives...did I ever tell you about the time I sliced my left thumb on a meat slicer? Yeah, when I worked at the Woodpoint Bar and Grill. That's what happens when one places finishing the job at hand because you have a ride waiting outside on a higher priority than safety and common sense. That's such a key thing to know about a person, if they have physical scars, how many, and the backstories. Nose scar tales are almost always the best ones.
10:24 Reserving any and all judgments until I see the dishes. Though, the pork belly (Casey) and duck (Hung) might be the downfall of either.
10:26 Hung's bullshit translated into earth-people talk: "I really didn't even think about my artistically brilliant food having soul until the judges kept bringing it up. So now, I have decided to always mention it in hopes that I can convince someone that I actually make love to the food, not just fuck it."
10:28 Whenever I hear Hung talk about "soul", I save my sanity by hearing Lisa in the "Bart Sells His Soul" episode of The Simpsons. Then I imagine he gets hit in the head with a hot buttered roll. Sweet.
10:30 Fourth course? Bravo is in fact the evil. Oh shit, it's Sous Chefs! Oh my God, Howie! CJ! Hung cannot get Sara, they might actually work well together. SHIT! Casey is going to lose, she got SweatBull! CJ is going to put his fake ball in Hung's food! I love it!
10:32 Sara is the Queen. A Jamaican who looks like she's from India and talks like she's from Ireland. Unfortunately, I think she'll do her best for Hung. Although the last time she tried to do a dessert, in episode 4...dude. Oh, and there was the SS Caterus. Dude, if Hung loses off of Sara fucking up, she's up there with Lia in my heart forever. BFF, motherfuckers.
10:35 Casey is going as insane as you would expect someone to be when 100 grand is on the line and they are depending on Howie "Forgot to plate for Jesus at the Last Supper" Kleinberg. Love it. Shoulda rubbed his shiny dome for good luck, Casey!
10:37 It has hit me that Casey is fucked and I'm loving it. Sandbag this, ya pissy bitch! Ah, NYPD Blue. Remember that show? Hill Street Blues' recalcitrant nephew? It's getting more than 2 seasons out on DVD, why not the superior program that fathered its whole steezo? Fox Media can eat Tre's placenta pesto. Sara's Chicken ala King, even. Get Smart isn't in stores either. All sorts of injustices. Which I hope isn't tonight's theme.
10:41 Hey, Brian, not where you expected to be huh? Ha. They are dishing to an elite table outdoors. Dale's foie grase mousse looks eh, Casey's cinnamon scented scallop has foie grase apple going for it too and looks great. Hung's fish and chips is no doubt tastier than it looks. Ah, the judges agree. Fuck, live blogging those dish names is annoying.
10:43 Hung's got shrimp and cucumber salad. Ah, you lost me when you threw that vegetable in, loser. Dale has seared scallop. Oh shit it's Casey's poached prawn with lobster shit thrown in there. Dale getting raves, and of course, it's a goddamn scallop. Padma bringing up acid? Way to pay attention to people who know far more than you throughout the season, babe!
10:46 Jesus, this is like endless soup and shrimp at Red Lobster. Oh oh, duck time. Dale has brought lobster, corn, mushrooms and gnocchi. Casey has roasted a peach with her pork belly. Hmm. I find that flavor combination promising.
10:47 Hung is getting fellated by the judges. Dale was told to pull his pants back up. Casey got groped then slapped.
10:48 Hung has busted out le choco cake. Dale has poached lamb with squash. See Hung with shrimp, dude. Casey has seared sirloin with potatos. All of this looks like you just want to slam your face down onto the plate and have multis. Are they seriously considering Brian's opinion at the table? Dude almost wept at the sight of a hot air balloon.
10:50 Tom throwing his hands up in the air after someone else concedes a point to him is great. He takes this shit for serious.
10:51 The new Devo song Bravo is using in its ads is called "Watch Us Work It" and it's a welcome return to New Traditionalists-era Spudgunnery. The drum pattern is pretty much the one on "The Super Thing", but to recycle awesomeness is less an indicator of laziness than lazy brilliance. Ruminate on that one.
10:55 Hung has gone on record as saying if he does not win, the show is confirmed as a "fraud." Hung is already confirmed as Napoleon reincarnated as a pygmy sous chef.
10:57 Judges table. Dale gets a largely positive review. Padma just slurred out "repertoire".
10:58 Casey, there were leeks! I swear on everything I hold holy, which is basically nothing, that there were leeks with that goddamn dish! Stop this cutesy, shucks, um, lemme-splain-suttin' act, Casey. You were nervous and Howie was the pot of coffee that your central nervous system did not need. Big mile smile here.
11:00 Gail is gonna make Hung cry. Do it, Gail! Twist the knife!
11:01 Fuck "modern", chocolate cake wins as dessert with every freaking meal imaginable. I could just see Hung pulling out mille feuille and getting dissed for going "easy French".
11:04 Dale had a little lamb...and yes, I did just want to reach into the TV and bring a plate of it out. Shit, now I'm thinking of the lamb in "Lisa the Vegetarian".
11:06 Oh shit, here come the chefs! "Yay" goes the audience. Hung is eating this up like it wasn't Dale's lobster, Dale is trying not to form a puddle, and Casey is going to cry because Howie Kleinberg still lives.
11:09 Hung for the win. How I loathe that talented son-of-a-wet-wood-wanderer. Padma slurs out his name, and here comes the family, and we see Hung's soul at last! Oh you did it, you arrogant ass! Smile through the tears! You're gonna make it after aaaaaaalllllll! Insufferable prick.
11:11 Please be Dale, please be Dale.
11:13 Casey, utter a pause-free sentence once, please.
11:14 Ah, they finally saw Hung in his food! I musta missed the refried dick he dished tonight.
11:15 Hung won. See 11:09. I'm glad I typed that out already so I can destroy windows with the delicacy, ability, and strength I know I am capable of.
11:16 Oh God, Marcel. The guy who makes Hung seem like St. Francis of Assisi. Yeah, that's what winning looks like, Logan.
WHEW. That was a hell of an end to the season. Hung earned it, no question. Sara Mair, though? She's cool, but...she can now never be Lia.
Top Chef
11:04 Dale had a little lamb...and yes, I did just want to reach into the TV and bring a plate of it out. Shit, now I'm thinking of the lamb in "Lisa the Vegetarian".
11:06 Oh shit, here come the chefs! "Yay" goes the audience. Hung is eating this up like it wasn't Dale's lobster, Dale is trying not to form a puddle, and Casey is going to cry because Howie Kleinberg still lives.
11:09 Hung for the win. How I loathe that talented son-of-a-wet-wood-wanderer. Padma slurs out his name, and here comes the family, and we see Hung's soul at last! Oh you did it, you arrogant ass! Smile through the tears! You're gonna make it after aaaaaaalllllll! Insufferable prick.
11:11 Please be Dale, please be Dale.
11:13 Casey, utter a pause-free sentence once, please.
11:14 Ah, they finally saw Hung in his food! I musta missed the refried dick he dished tonight.
11:15 Hung won. See 11:09. I'm glad I typed that out already so I can destroy windows with the delicacy, ability, and strength I know I am capable of.
11:16 Oh God, Marcel. The guy who makes Hung seem like St. Francis of Assisi. Yeah, that's what winning looks like, Logan.
WHEW. That was a hell of an end to the season. Hung earned it, no question. Sara Mair, though? She's cool, but...she can now never be Lia.
Top Chef
what? you'd prefer CASEY huh?
ReplyDeletewell as you have been saying for months, my boy.........he is screaming...........
VICTORY!!!!!
Casey tanking was brilliant! It makes me smile in these sad sad times.
ReplyDelete