(It's Not Nostalgia) It's the 80s Express--Pt. 16

40.  "Love Shack"--The B-52's

Released 1989
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  3

Gay clubs, breeder weddings...breeder clubs, gay weddings..."Love Shack" is still inescapable.  As the song that returned one of rock's sui generis bands to the public eye, I could never hate it.  But I still find it an overlong, overplayed Mr. Potato Song.

Keep It?  NO

"Private Idaho"--The B-52's

Released 1980
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: Did not chart

"Private Idaho," on the other paw, is a prime example of what made the B's so great:  Fred Schneider's game show host histrionics, Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson with their cloud-cruising harmonies, and the altogether different guitar style of Ricky Wilson.  Ain't no potato here--more a red velvet cupcake, ludicrously tasty and irresistibly fashioned.

39.  "I Melt With You"--Modern English

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  76

What an average thing.  Where is the oomph?  Wherefore art the ooh-la-la?  Where oh where is the French word or phrase that I can't think of right now that would perfectly describe the quality this song lacks?

Keep It?  NO

"The Look"--Roxette

Released 1989
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

Who knew this would start Per Gissle and Marie Frederiksson on the path to appearing on a stamp in their native Sweden?  From "tasty like a raindrop" to getting licked on the back by millions.

Sometimes I'm convinced that all love songs should be written by people who claim English as a second or third language.

Guitar plus keybs plus vox equals killa, 'cause it's one thing when the dude says that a chick has "the look," but when a totally different chick pops up to back up his assertion, that's how you can be sure.

38.  "Pride (In the Name of Love)"--U2

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  33

I applaud the Edge for trying.  Bono, not so much.  Dull tributes to dynamic men are unacceptable, especially ones that screw up essential facts.

Keep It?  NO

"Burnin' For You"--Blue Oyster Cult

Released 1981
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  40

Obsessed with the concepts of home and time, and hey--I relate.  A great deal.  Not so much with the nut-grabbing, wheel-clutching, smoke-blowing attitude, but so what?  "Burnin' For You" sounds like if it ever stayed in one place for long enough, it definitely wouldn't have to worry about getting laid.  Therein lies the tragedy.  Damned to be in that mood where only moving on will do.

37.  "Janie's Got a Gun"--Aerosmith

Released 1989
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  4

No piece of music is so abhorrent that it should be made equivalent to those human monsters who violate the innocence of children.  But Jesus Christ, people, we need to have some standards.

The pointlessness of this melody-deficient, ripped-from-the-headlines anti-song is surpassed only by the pointlessness of sober Aerosmith.

Keep It?  NO

"Party All the Time"--Eddie Murphy

Released 1985
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  2  (thanks a lot, "Say You, Say Me"!)

Rick James wrote and produced "Party All the Time" in the midst of strippers and snortables.  When zombies invaded his studio, he simply threw ass and titties at them in exchange for their help in writing the chorus.

Why does this track get shit upon, yet "In My House" by Mary Jane Girls (another Rick muthafuckin' James creation of dubious artistic merit) is remembered with a fair amount of fondness?  Holy shit, there are people who love that goddamn Rockwell song, and lest you forget, that asshole could not even sing.  Like, whatsoever.  Nor could he rap.  Leaving us with a guy talking about his paranoia over some electro-funk.  Singing, though?  Don't worry, Rock, your dad knows a guy who can handle that.

We all know why.  Because Eddie Murphy rose to fame as a comedian and actor.  Singing had nothing to do with his ascension to mega-celebrity.  Thus, "Party All the Time" is a vanity piece.  And?

'Tis true Eddie Murphy had a very thin singing voice, but at least he sang, and he didn't require anyone else to tag in on the hook.  And yes, that chorus is so dumb that people begin talking louder after hearing it, but!  When it comes to brain-dead dance songs from the 1980s, Rick James and his coked-out titty-fucking zombie party is top notch. 

(It's Not Nostalgia) It's the 80s Express--Pt. 15

44.  "Cruel Summer"--Bananarama

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position: 9

Summer should be the season for revitalization, regeneration and the realization that life not only can be wonderful, it frequently is wonderful.  The air is sticky, no one is lonely, and the calendar is always showing 1984 in our hearts.

Summer should not be the season for regret, recrimination or the realization that life not only can be heartbreaking, it frequently is heartbreaking.  The air is dry, no one is happy, and the calender is always showing 1999 in our hearts.

Keep It?  YES

43.  "The Look of Love"--ABC

Released 1981
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  18

What compromising photos does "The Look of Love" have in its possession, anyway?  Not only did it make this list, it also made the Village Voice's Top 100 Singles of the 1980s and appears in 1001 Songs You Must Hear Before You Die.  Check this out, once you've been ogled by a weaselly-faced guy wearing a panama with several colorful feathers inserted behind the puggaree as you're both waiting in line at Starbucks, songs like this one don't mean much anymore.

Keep It?  NO

"Poison Arrow"--ABC

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  25

Is it that "book by the cover/look by the lover" couplet that won "The Look of Love" all those hosannas?  'Cause honestly, this song about an obliquitous Cupid has much choicer rhymes and U-turns of phrase:  "The sweetest melody/Is an unheard refrain/So lower your sights/Yeah but raise your aim/Raise your aim!"

Really now.

Martin Fry spent a decent amount of time trying to fill the clotheshorse shoes of Bryan Ferry, and here he achieved the snuggest fit:  woeful and soulful.  Imagine Mr. Peanut bemoaning the Utz girl's treacherous ways, and you're close.

42.  "London Calling"--The Clash

Released 1979
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  Did not chart

"The Only Band That Matters" is one of the worst so-called honors that could be bestowed upon a racket-gang, more for the fans than band.  By saying a group is the only one that actually means something--instead of being the one that matters most--someone is basically implying that they have shit musical taste.

Such is why it's best not to judge a band by their fans.

"London Calling" has a killer bass line and a litany of lamentations, some now dated but most still relevant.  You can tell a song is great when thirty years on it's still getting misappropriated like a motherfucker.  Also I can get more than a hint at a tune's high quality when it wastes no time in leaping upon my back and biting down upon the scruff of my neck.

Keep It?  YES

41.  "Dr. Feelgood"--Mötley Crüe

Released 1989
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  6

Wow, the Mötley Crüe online promotional team sure got the word out.  How else to account for the presence of one of the worst offerings from the all-time standard bearers of mediocre metal music?

Here we have a sonic travesty--that Led Zep jerk-off drumbeat, a guitar riff dumb as throwing whiskey on a fire, and that nine-Camaro pileup of a chorus.  So of course, "Dr. Feelgood" is their most successful single.

My first exposure to the Crüe came courtesy of local rock station WQCM, either late '81 or early '82, when Too Fast For Love was out and "Piece of Your Action" exploded from the speakers of my brother's boombox like a trashier Van Halen (just replace David Lee Roth with a pimp who couldn't sing).  Man, a good-ass riff goes a long-ass way.  So do booze and 'ludes.  But then coke and heroin enter the picture and sell the frame.

Worst song on the original list.  Stink.  Stank.  Stunk.

Keep It?  NO

"Too Young To Fall In Love"--Mötley Crüe

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  90

Heady steady glam rock...just so we get the point.

As with the other, very few, tolerable songs the band has recorded in their thirty-year history, "Too Young" is a success despite the efforts of Vince Neil, whose vocals manage to be both high-pitched and nose-pinched, a combination right up there in the enticement stakes with getting a fist to the throat at the same time you get a fist up the ass.

The riff is serious business and makes the whole song worthwhile.  Locked in, don't look down.  Tommy Lee is still scared to dip a foot in the ocean, but that's okay...plenty of rivers around.   Get it on, bang a skank.

(It's Not Nostalgia) It's the 80s Express--Pt 14

48.  "Born In the U.S.A."--Bruce Springsteen

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  9

The ebullient synths certainly seem to suggest jingoistic joy.  But just several extra seconds of scrutiny--which itself proves troublesome for a troubling amount of us--tells a different story.  One of a young man from Podunk sent off a hero for wartime and sent back a pariah for peacetime, now just one of the millions denied even a modest living in "the greatest country in the world."

The likes of Ronald Reagan could never fathom how any good-hearted, honest-living, hard-working citizen could be anything less than prosperous in the land of plenty, so of course when he heard "Born In the U.S.A." for the first time he felt a phantom warming sensation in the middle of his chest.  Thankfully, Springsteen refused to humor him.

For his brutal slaying of the Mental Health System Act alone, I deem Reagan one of history's worst leaders.  The anniversary of his passing should be celebrated here in the States like Grito de Delores is in Mexico.

Keep It?  NO

"In a Big Country"--Big Country

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  17

From the sky, onto Skye--"Sha!"

The joy is contained within the journey...correct?  To climb a mountain, and not fall.  To emote the words, and not sing.  To rhyme "discarded" with "wanted."  That is what it means to be alive.

The tracked-to-death vocal do their damnedest to lose me in a fog, but those guitars (not bagpipes) acts as guiding lights, so soon enough it's out of one thick and into another.

47.  "We're Not Gonna Take It"--Twisted Sister

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  21

Oh come on, all y'all disillusioned youths.  A group of heavy metal drag queens and circus clowns know that pain.  When life is dispensing full nelsons, kick the shins and apply a cross-face chicken wing.

I was rapidly approaching seven at the time this song began to set up shop on MTV.  The source of my greatest angst was not being able to stay up as late as I wanted to, which was forever.  And why couldn't I stay up forever?  Because of school.  And here was this band dropping out of the ceiling and telling school to kiss its ass.  No shock, then, that I cottoned to the Sister's anthem.

Getting older and listening to some of the songs I dug back then sans their accompanying video, the fatal flaw found in many of them is simple:  they're so goddamn rote.  I mean, for anyone who's aspiring to rebel against the system by taking a magic marker to a stop sign (either DON'T above or WAR below) this is their battle cry.  Me personally, I'm not strapping up and heading out alongside any song that doesn't realize destiny is by definition a predetermined state that cannot be picked nor controlled.

If it sounds like I'm nitpicking, I am.  Forty-somethings may blast this in their Prius' and bang their heads and feel tough, but they're not.  They can't even pick a decent fucking car to drive around in, and I'm supposed to respect their taste in music?

Keep It?  NO

"Eighties"--Killing Joke

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  Did not chart

"Eighties" is a trampling preserved for all-time.  Fluid carnage that impresses most of all with the stamina it displays.

Twenty-three pounds of incendiary self-indulgence and untrammeled avarice is what you get when the free world is led by divisive greed-mongering cretins whose greatest thrill is derived from playing on the worst fears of the dreadfully narrow-minded.  Dog eats dog then eats the cat.  "I have tended my garden to ostentatious abundance," he sniffed.  "Now I want yours."

46.  "Every Breath You Take"--The Police

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

Leave it to VH-1!  The Police have two songs worthy of inclusion on this list, and neither of them happens to be this annoyingly misinterpreted aggregate of clunky parts.  The continued popularity of "Every Breath" at weddings is testament to people either refusing to listen to lyrics or just possessing the comprehension skills of dirt.

Keep It?  NO

"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"--The Police

Released 1981
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  3

Some of the finest heart palpitations I've ever sat through.  Not even the collapse into faux reggae can ruin what is for me the best song the Police ever put together.  Not even that episode of The Office where Karen sings it to Jim hurts, because A) Jim ended up with Pam anyway and B) Scrantonicity rules.

Now, a case can be made that this song also possesses the stalk-y overtones that make "Every Breath You Take" so distasteful.  I would argue that it has undertones instead.  And that makes a difference.

The piano riff is what turns the grey to white, and the synth swells are well-played and well-placed.  Goddamn, the keys have me rooting for this inept would-be Casanova, hoping that his intentions aren't of a "-cidal" nature, and that love will bring him closer to the stability he craves.   Yeah, I'm kind of a romantic like that.  I just hope she remembers to aim for the pelvis if things go awry. 

45.  "Nasty"--Janet Jackson

Released 1986
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  3

Industrial rhythm and blues.  The drums straight up Barry White Driver (!!) asses into mats.

Aretha asked for respect; Janet demanded it.  Her harsher attitude stemmed from unpleasant personal experiences involving men approaching her in the street, feeling no compunction whatsoever about objectifying an attractive woman standing right in front of them.  For any woman put in that situation, the overwhelming feeling tends not to be anger, but helplessness.  Such men can be dangerous, we realize, so direct retaliation is not recommended.  What can a girl do?  Transfer the bad vibes.  Take control.

"Gimme a beat!"

I love that part.

Janet taking time out of her busy song to inform some uncouth cad of her actual first name is one of the most magnificent things I've ever heard in any song, ever.  Yes, ever.  No, my first name ain't hyperbole.

Keep It?  YES

(It's Not Nostalgia) It's the 80s Express--Pt. 13

52.  "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)"--Dead or Alive

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  11

Buffalo Bill Sexy Pose Hour!  Abandon all senses, ye who listen here.  I can die happy never hearing this again.  Good song, don't misunderstand, but once Adam Sandler worked his throat around it, finito.

Keep It?  NO

"The Safety Dance"--Men Without Hats

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  3

I swore these Canadians were Russians.  Just so broad-shouldered.  In retrospect, who but our hockey-loving buddies would create such a communal joyfest about the right to pogo at concerts?  Party till you throw up on your pants, eh?

Seriously, that was a concern in those days?  What kinda jerkass security guards get all bent out of shape over motherfuckers in a crowd jumping?  Oh no, it's a gateway dance!  Suppress that shit!

51.  "Round and Round"--Ratt

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  12

Alpha males in mascara have all the bottle-smashing, fabric-ripping, table-testing fun in the second-greatest pop-metal song ever.

Predator and prey walk the night, side by side, each thinking they're the other.  Ah, sleazeballs converging under cover of darkness to engage in nastiness.

Ratt never wrote another song that came within 200 feet of "Round and Round" in terms of either commercial or artistic success.  Which only adds to the legend that at least two band members sold their soul to the Devil.  Or a crack dealer outside the Whiskey.

It's a cold world out there.  And it just won't stop spinning.

Keep It?  YES

50.  "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)"--The Eurythmics

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

Is it reasonable to name Annie Lennox as one of the greatest living singers of popular music?  Would a cow kill you and everyone you care about if given the chance?

Another example of androgyny freaking out the squares.  What's this on my television?  This doesn't look normal!  But what is a normal person, anyway?  A miserable pile of secrets!  Stop drop and roll the hell on outta here, and let the rest of us enjoy the music.

Keep It?  NO

"Lunatic Fringe"--Red Rider

Released 1981
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  Did not chart

"Lunatic Fringe" reeks of late July winds suffused with all the weed I'll never smoke but my friends do, so I always end up with a contact like 3-2-1.  The obnoxious rev's polluting the streets can easily be muffled by the cocksure sound I let swim around in my head till I decide to let that drown.

Written and sung by the same man who foisted "Life Is a Highway" upon the universe.  Gob.  Fucking.  Smacked.  Should be his, though, for how does one go from this to that?

49.  "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)"--Beastie Boys

Released 1986
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  7

Nope, Lionel Richie still "wins."

White rappers were still a novelty when the Beasties dumped their instruments.  White boys rapping over hard rock guitars?  Fresh and fun once upon a time, but here in the 21st century, it sounds every bit as pedestrian and puerile as Limp Bizkit's output.  Of course, the Boys proved to be far more sensitive and thoughtful than Freddy D. the Ball Cap Man, to say nothing of the talent gap, but with songs like this one and "Girls," who in 1986 would have suspected that underneath all the crotch-grabbing and beer-swilling were three innovators?

"Fight For Your Right" was apparently intended as a parody of the frat-boy mentality, but it's easy to forgive millions of listeners for letting that whoosh on by, given that the song is a pretty witless swipe.  School sucks!  Sex rocks!  Let's smoke!  Irony, bitch!  

I still dig that obnoxious intro chord.  The hot potato to close out the last verse is nice, too.  The rest gets the gas face.

Keep It?  NO

"On the Loose"--Saga

Released 1981
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  26

One of those 80s rock flares in the night.  From their first frisky seconds, those are the tracks that make me feel free in a way that nothing else replicates.  No matter the color of the sky, I can head out into the world, shoulders squared, head up high, all five senses creating tingles up and down my body.  Out and about.  Nameless and weightless.  Stay alert, and come out victorious on all close calls.  Learn a little something.   About cars, about love.  About the European flair for making humdrum actions into exceptional reactions. 

(It's Not Nostalgia) It's the 80s Express--Pt. 12

56.  "Total Eclipse of the Heart"--Bonnie Tyler

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

The only reason I would ever want to wear a diaphanous white gown would be to roll around on some moors while bellowing the lyrics to this song.

Meatloaf undoubtedly wanted to throttle Jim Steinman when he gave this song to the Welsh wonder.  He didn't even suggest his buddy Marv to provide the tremulously beseeching male vocals!

Bonnie does a fine job singing half her butt off.  She also does justice to the maddening super-dramatics perpetuated by mega-horny people whose perpetually piss-poor self-images assure lifetimes spent in constant pursuit of the ever-elusive "true wuv."

Listen--the very second a person begins pondering what the orgasm means to them "in the general scheme of things, at the end of the day" is the moment a person needs to drop everything and travel.  Far away.  Somewhere wet and warm.

Keep It?  YES

55.  "I Ran (So Far Away)"--A Flock of Seagulls

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  9

Aurora Borealis?  At this time of year, at this time of day, during this part of the song, in this part of the world, located entirely within this avenue?!

Hairstyles die.  Great pop songs are forever.

Sitting on one's ass, lamenting lost love, scarfing down potato chips from a bottomless bowl...such is not a life.  What's scarier, after all--the unknown or the well-known?  Figure that out, and step one on the road to recovery has been taken. 

Keep It?  YES

54.  "Push It"--Salt-n-Pepa

Released 1987
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  19

Tennessee Steinmetz made "art" from used car parts.  Hurby "Luv Bug" Azor just used some Sears employees he saw lying around.

Although little more than a drop-it-pop-it-don't-stop-it party anthem, "Push It" is still more than just the go-to song for goofy-ass white dudes who want to dance in the manner expected of their race.  Salt-n-Pepa were the first female hip hop act to crack the Billboard Top 20, and proved to have major staying power.

Sealing the deal, "Push It" contains the best Kinks interpolation ever; way better than "Wibbling Rivalry."

Keep It?  YES

53.  "White Wedding"--Billy Idol

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  36

The propulsion is hot, the shading is cool, but really?

Bill's got the wedding bell blues, to the extent I feared for both his hypothetical sister as well as her betrothed.  Big bro sounded like he was fittin' to kick a hole in the wall of the hole in the wall where the honeymoon was being well-spent, clutching a shotty and sneering, just waiting for the wrong words to be said.

Aw no, the single was released on 10/23/82?  My fifth birthday?  I wish I didn't have to do this, but...

Keep It?  NO

"Rebel Yell"--Billy Idol

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  46

"Rebel Yell" was fairly hardcore for 80s rock radio, babies.  Steve Stevens had a stupid name, and even stupider hairdo, but he brought the excoriation here.  Yet, a surplus of restless energy remains.  That's where she comes in.

Women really should be ruling the world.

(It's Not Nostalgia) It's the 80s Express--Pt. 11

60.  "Bust A Move"--Young MC

Released 1989
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  7

Less than a year after penning "Wild Thing" for label mate Tone-Loc, Young MC took a rhyming look at the clothed side of the love game.  I barely buy that this was the same dude who wrote about "when bodies start slappin'"--I mean, Young MC recorded songs about fly ladies and dope parties.  He rapped about school.  Dude coulda believably appeared onscreen rapping whilst wearing a beanie cap.  If he showed up at some old white lady's doors with candy bars and began flowing about how school fundraisers are "funky fresh," guarantee that broad would buy every damn bar he had and then call his school the next day to gush about that "adorable little black boy" who rhymed "Three Musketeers" with "we must adhere."

Eschewing the harsh portrayals urban life might have earned Young MC the enmity of hip hop at large (especially coming a year after NWA's Straight Outta Compton scandalized white America), but the crazed radio and TV airplay more than made up for his lack of street cred, not to mention the indescribable joy one feels upon realizing they've foisted a new catchphrase for the world to abuse.

Keep It?  NO

"I'm Bad"--LL Cool J

Released 1987
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  84

The timelessness of LL's self-admiring tetralogy can best be explained by the man himself, over a dippy bassline with a great butt.

"I got a gold nameplate that says I wish you would." (take that, Bad Motherfucker wallet)

"Forget Oreos, eat Cool J cookies."

"My hat is like a shark fin!"

"I'm notorious, I'll crush you like a jelly bean."

Bonus points for the use of only a single obscenity.  Another bonus point for said expletive being my very favorite one.  In fact I just used it in this review.

59.  "Jack and Diane"--John Cougar

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

John Cougar:  Average Indiana boy, raising daughters alongside his average wife, working hard and honest, makin' a livin' with emotionally candid "heartland rock," right until the day they bury him in a humble plot by a humble home.

John Mellencamp:  Big ol' superstar, dumps wife for hot model eighteen years his junior, fathers the sons he always wanted, and continues producing workmanlike music that keeps selling because it turns out there's still a lot of people who find it reassuring.

"Jack and Diane" is a bittersweet rumination on ruination.  The road of life, if traveled long enough, ends at the intersection of decay and death.  Oh wait, there's an acoustic guitar and some hand claps, wooo turn it up!

(Why does no one talk about "Lonely Ol' Night"?  That was a great single.  I could make out on a creaky front-porch swing for hours to that one.)

Keep It?  NO

"Don't Want To Know If You Are Lonely"--Husker Du

Released 1986
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  Did not chart

The finest moment from one of the decade's finest bands is a cry.  Of exhaustion.  For help.  Against the past.

Damaged soul reacts the only way it knows how:  discouraging contact of all kinds, beating the inexorable reality into the ground.  That bent note at the end of the main riff isn't being played on a heartstring, but it might as well be.

A pop-punk masterwork too searing to be sad, too precise to be just another party starter.  Green Day's cover can suck my asshole clean.  Twice.

58.  "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?"--Culture Club

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

"To All the Boys I've Loved Before."

Boy George sure befuzzled some people.  "Is that boy?  A girl?"  Was it important?  "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" resists all question save its own, a simple torch song that subsists on berries, beans, nuts and wine.

Naturally, the lyrics read like a sociopath decided to "decompress" by writing a quick poem on his forearm.  "I have danced inside your eyes/How can I be real?"  Oh well.  If it's good enough for Snoopy, it's good enough for me.

Keep It?  YES

57.  "Mickey"--Toni Basil

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

Toni's true talent--dancing--was evidenced in the music video for "Mickey," which put unattractive cheerleaders on MTV nearly ten years before "Smells Like Teen Spirit."  As a singer, she made a passable drill sergeant.  One need not possess the pipes of Aretha to narrate what is essentially a kinky date night.  "There's something we can use"?  "Any way you want to do it, I'll take it like a man?"  No doubt there is, and no doubt you will.

Keep It?  YES

(It's Not Nostalgia) It's the 80s Express--Pt. 10

64.  "Straight Up"--Paula Abdul

Released 1988
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

The first of two songs on the list recorded by choreographers-turned-singers, except Paula was able to work out multiple chart hits before her descent into reality show laughingstock.  Certainly helped her cause that she didn't debut with a novelty song.  "Straight Up" is a stark and sly dance number with a pat of audible rock influence.  Not everyone could relate to taking it assways from a guy named Mickey, but few are those who haven't wondered if the reality matches the perception.

Keep It?  NO

"Fame"--Irene Cara

Released 1980
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  4

Miss Cara wasn't going to snag an Oscar for her performance as Coco in the movie Fame, so she settled for singing the winner of 1980's Best Original Song.

With just four words, "Fame" nails the narcissism that serves as the impetus behind every pretender--to be adored for being everything except for what they actually are.  "Baby, look at me."

All the breast-beating bravado, the arm-stretching desperation, the fist-clenching passion, the eye-rolling ecstasy...contortions become convictions as the songstress gives breath to these (rather dubious) dreams.

Irene Cara was the queen of 80s soundtracks.  Everybody knows Fame, everybody knows Flashdance, but how many bodies know DC Cab?  You don't know DC Cab?  As soon as you finish this, watch DC Cab.  It stars Mr. T!  He of A-Team fame.  He of "Treat Your Mother Right" fame.  He of "Snoopy doll dressed like Mr. T fame."  You have to see DC Cab.

63.  "Whip It"--Devo

Released 1980
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  14

"Whip It" exposed Devo to the molasses masses.  Sure, their cover of "Satisfaction"--and subsequent appearance on Saturday Night Live--made them visible, but there's a difference between celebrity and ubiquity.  After "Whip It" hit, Devo were pretty unavoidable on both radio and MTV.

A great deal of the appeal came from simple misunderstanding.  Mark Mothersbaugh and Gerald Casale took inspiration from Thomas Pynchon's novel Gravity's Rainbow, but it sure does for all the world sound like they're talking about beating off, and that is funny, and I get that and I don't have to read to get that.  WHIP IT GUD!

Keep It?  NO

"Explosions"--Devo

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  (not released as a single)

Wait, not a single?  Don't care.

Assembly-line new wave packed full of so many awesome elements should be justly celebrated.  All the parts are here, all the parts have been thoroughly greased, so why don't more people manufacture "Explosions"?  Hell, even the band themselves only played it once in a live setting.

62.  "Take My Breath Away"--Berlin

Released 1986
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

The creative team of Tom Whitlock and Giorgio Moroder penned several tunes for the massive Top Gun soundtrack, including this winner of the 1986 Oscar for Best Original Song.  (But not, sadly, "Playing With the Boys.")  People fell in love to "Take My Breath Away."  Suppose in some parts of the world they still do.  Suppose the smitten parties manage to keep straight faces throughout, even.  I prefer my love songs to not include processed fart sounds pitched for comical emotionalism, thanks.

Keep It?  NO

"Danger Zone"--Kenny Loggins

Released 1986
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  2

Whatever regrets I feel for taking the name of our god Giorgio in vain, all wash away as soon as I bear witness to this glorious Whitlock/Moroder offering.

Top Gun is a love story.  A love story about pilots and fighter jets.  Not pilot and female non-pilot.  This is what helps "Danger Zone" earn its wings.  Kenny Loggins's presence on the shortlist for Least Intimidating Male Singer of the Decade* notwithstanding, this is a straight-ahead blaze-blue thriller.  I can't think of a better song to play in preparation for...anything.  Flying, mountain-climbing, baking a pie.  The task need not be Herculean to require a trip thru the Danger Zone, baby.

(*totally Christopher Cross's honor to lose, by the way.)

61.  "Mr. Roboto"--Styx

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  3

To quote my mom when she found out she was pregnant for the seventh time:  "Unbelievable."

The reason I have positively zero qualms with any of my replacement choices can be found here, at number 61.  People voted this sci-fi duncery onto a list of the top 100 songs of the 1980s.  A song that I'm pretty sure those same people, if pressed, could only remember four whole words from.  A song that, oh save me Jebus, was taken from a concept album.  A song wherein Dennis DeYoung attempts a Freddie Mercury impression.

Styx had every right to shat out this gleaming metallic turd.  We as listeners are every bit as entitled to inform Styx that they did, in fact, shat out a turd.  Appearances are irrelevant.

Keep It?  NO

"Venus"--Bananarama

Released 1986
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

Mmm-hmm.  The very best pop numbers make me wanna run off and lick a beehive clean.  Without the bees themselves in the vicinity?  Preferably.

Shocking Blue's original was creepy-crawly goddess worship that somehow never lit the "silver flame" in my gut.  Bananarama right that wrong in spectacular fashion, cooking up a scorching quesadilla of a chorus and extinguishing the blaze with even more fire.

"Venus" is more ludicrously fun than building a water slide inside a volcano.