Friday, September 5, 2014

(It's Not Nostalgia) It's the 80s Express--Pt. 12

56.  "Total Eclipse of the Heart"--Bonnie Tyler

Released 1983
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  1

The only reason I would ever want to wear a diaphanous white gown would be to roll around on some moors while bellowing the lyrics to this song.

Meatloaf undoubtedly wanted to throttle Jim Steinman when he gave this song to the Welsh wonder.  He didn't even suggest his buddy Marv to provide the tremulously beseeching male vocals!

Bonnie does a fine job singing half her butt off.  She also does justice to the maddening super-dramatics perpetuated by mega-horny people whose perpetually piss-poor self-images assure lifetimes spent in constant pursuit of the ever-elusive "true wuv."

Listen--the very second a person begins pondering what the orgasm means to them "in the general scheme of things, at the end of the day" is the moment a person needs to drop everything and travel.  Far away.  Somewhere wet and warm.

Keep It?  YES

55.  "I Ran (So Far Away)"--A Flock of Seagulls

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  9

Aurora Borealis?  At this time of year, at this time of day, during this part of the song, in this part of the world, located entirely within this avenue?!

Hairstyles die.  Great pop songs are forever.

Sitting on one's ass, lamenting lost love, scarfing down potato chips from a bottomless bowl...such is not a life.  What's scarier, after all--the unknown or the well-known?  Figure that out, and step one on the road to recovery has been taken. 

Keep It?  YES

54.  "Push It"--Salt-n-Pepa

Released 1987
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  19

Tennessee Steinmetz made "art" from used car parts.  Hurby "Luv Bug" Azor just used some Sears employees he saw lying around.

Although little more than a drop-it-pop-it-don't-stop-it party anthem, "Push It" is still more than just the go-to song for goofy-ass white dudes who want to dance in the manner expected of their race.  Salt-n-Pepa were the first female hip hop act to crack the Billboard Top 20, and proved to have major staying power.

Sealing the deal, "Push It" contains the best Kinks interpolation ever; way better than "Wibbling Rivalry."

Keep It?  YES

53.  "White Wedding"--Billy Idol

Released 1982
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  36

The propulsion is hot, the shading is cool, but really?

Bill's got the wedding bell blues, to the extent I feared for both his hypothetical sister as well as her betrothed.  Big bro sounded like he was fittin' to kick a hole in the wall of the hole in the wall where the honeymoon was being well-spent, clutching a shotty and sneering, just waiting for the wrong words to be said.

Aw no, the single was released on 10/23/82?  My fifth birthday?  I wish I didn't have to do this, but...

Keep It?  NO

"Rebel Yell"--Billy Idol

Released 1984
U.S. Billboard Hot 100 Peak Position:  46

"Rebel Yell" was fairly hardcore for 80s rock radio, babies.  Steve Stevens had a stupid name, and even stupider hairdo, but he brought the excoriation here.  Yet, a surplus of restless energy remains.  That's where she comes in.

Women really should be ruling the world.

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