Saturday, March 15, 2014

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?


Yuck.  13, you are not number 1, no matter what your release date is trying to tell me. 

2010 was a great year to be a literate metalhead.  Dave Mustaine's autobiography was released and proved to be the easy, entertaining read that I demand all books about "the rock life" be.  You would do far better to read that enriching tome than listen to this poor album.  Actually, here's a list of 13 books you should read instead of listening to the album 13*:

Wise Blood
The Great Santini
Animal Farm
The New Centurions
Geek Love
Bad Behavior
The Dirt
Hammer of the Gods
The Merciless Book of Metal Lists
The Handmaid's Tale
Invisible Man
Fast Food Nation

Pick up a book.  Read it.  'Cause that shit is massively edifying.

Roll Call. 

Dave Mustaine--vocals, guitar
Chris Broderick--guitar
Dave Ellefson--bass
Shawn Drover--drums

"Sudden Death"--One thing about 13--these sing-along choruses miss the mark more often the cross-eyed Asian sharpshooter in the "Whip It" video.  I hope the collapse of civilization will not be as pointlessly cacophonic as this Grammy-nominated mess. 

"Public Enemy No. 1"--Sounds like every Judas Priest song I would rather be listening to.  I guess I'll take it. Guess I'll also take a six foot robot with racing stripes along the sides and a remote-controlled penis.  This was nominated for a Grammy as well?  Good God Lemon.

"Whose Life Is It Anyway?"--Either about a girl, or about drugs.  ("Never Let Me Down Again" made it so I question everything.)  Double bass aside, the general sentiment is one of punk-rock sediment…you know, in the style of a sloppy bang on an unmade bed. 

Another Grammy nod.  Triple Crown!

"We the People"
--Grab a brush and march in step.  More snarling about the "one world everything," more barking about problems without offering any solutions.  Dave Mustaine has basically become every crotchety shirtless old bastard punctuating his paranoid rants with Old Milwaukee belches that I avoid at family reunions. 

"Guns, Drugs & Money"--All I could think about was how much I want to see a viral video of Ted Nugent accidentally firing a .375 caliber bullet into his crotch and emitting a sound which combines the Wilhelm Scream and the Goofy Yell.

"Never Dead"--This is what Megadeth do, now?  Write undistinguished songs for video games I'll never play?  Borders disintegrate, colors blur together, but all I feel is exasperation.

--The origins of "NWO" date back to 1991, and the song first appeared on 1999's Duke Nukem:  Music To Score By soundtrack compilation.  What will the world see first--a new Megadeth album worth buying, or Duke Nukem Forever?

Perfect music for when you want to just walk a few steps…then flex a muscle.  Walk a few steps…then smirk.  Walk a few steps….

"Fast Lane"--Well if this here ain't parked right in the middle of my alley!  More than the speed of a mobile machine, I feel the weight.  Slow it down, but don't shut it down.  Mind the lash. 

"Black Swan"--More brown than black, yet still more raven than swan.  Mere rock 'n' roll is more than okay.

Mind you, that doesn't make "Black Swan" anything more than inoffensive.  I'm not going to overrate the track just because it doesn't activate my gag reflex.  Be friends with context; don't enter into a co-dependent relationship.  You won't see me calling "Castles in the Air" one of the best songs I've ever heard just because "American Pie" is one of the worst.**

"Wrecker"--I wouldn't cross the bass line on an empty street.  I would beat the snot out of the rest of the song, though.

"Millennium of the Blind"--Constipation blues.  Just sittin' in the house, specifically on the couch, lamenting the feminization of America while loading the guns.

"Deadly Nightshade"
--Hallucinations of grandeur. 

"13"--Another meticulously-picked creation that I would forget under threat of death or dismemberment. 

Gah!  Megadeth continue to make their fans feel "accidentally grabbing the 'L' capsule and losing the spread gun" levels of disappointment. 

*Consider yourselves fortunate.  You almost read the list of Top 13 Objects I'd Rather Have Shoved Into My Arid Womanhood Then Listen to 13.

**People who know me understand how serious I am when it comes to "American Pie."  Anyone in the same room as me who plays it, sings it, hums it, whistles it, taps the melody out with their foot is asking--nay, begging--to be the Gypsy Joe to my New Jack. 

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