What A Nightmare, Charlie Brown

AIRDATE: 2/23/78

This author's nightmares are free of splatterfest horrifics--no buckets o' blood, no miscreations, no death whatsoever. My dreadful visions reek of familiarity, hitting close to heart and home, a subconscious naturalism drenching the stuttering proceedings until I awaken with a blunt sense of horror still striking a pose in my brain.

It was my most recent nocturnal fright (combined with the season) that inspired this review. Much like Snoopy, my nightmare was birthed from intestinal discomfort. Our ghastly forced fantasies also shared a menacing adult male figure (although mine was fully visible).

My mother and I watched breathlessly from the far end of the upstairs hallway as a mustachioed man in his early 40s with circular specs and a pedo hairchop emerged from the bathroom. He walked towards us. Unusually in my experiences, the entire sequence unfolded in black and white. A .38 caliber pistol gleamed whitest of all in his hand; his smile suggested the ceaseless joy of a new father as he waved it around. Mere inches from us, he finally took aim.

Instinctively I reached out and clutched the weapon. The wrestling of our hands forced the gun upward. I waited for a report that never came. No blast, no blaze. Finally, the man's face fell in anguish and he placed the barrel of the gun into his mouth. I heard myself speak the first and only words of this dream: "Do it, then, do it!" Which turned out to be a bad move on my part, as encouragement to abandon his shell for the great unknown seemed to galvanize the bastard. The fact that a person so wanted him dead seemed to give him a reason to live--and to kill.

He jerked his head up with the frightening speed of a triggered trap snap and began fighting me anew, eyes set in a clairvoyant glare. And then...nothing more.

STORY: Snow blankets the neighborhood, and Charlie Brown wants to go sledding with Snoopy. The world famous beagle would much rather sleep, especially when he realizes that his owner expects him to do all the work. Repeated attempts to convince Snoopy how awesome it would be to pull him through the snow result in Charlie Brown harnessed up at the mercy of the whip.

A smugly satisfied Snoopy unwinds with dinner: five pepperoni and onion pizzas and an egg creme to wash it all back. All the while, Charlie Brown bemoans his plight: "You're an overly civilized dog, Snoopy", he admonishes, hearkening back to his earlier statement that if Snoopy lived in the Great White North, he'd be part of a pack expected to travel great distances under duress, with no time or room for sleeping all day or fighting in a World War.

Snoopy is thoroughly nonplussed, and heads off to bed. Almost instantly, his tummy reacts naturally to the speedy consumption of food and the discomfort travels throughout his system until it shocks his brain into a nightmare, the jolt jarring loose the part of his brain that actually retains what the round-headed kid says.

Suddenly, a large menacing shadow appears and whips Snoopy off the doghouse and into the brutal Alaskan winter. He is harnessed and placed amid a pack of Huskies. The facts of his size and breed do not matter; he is a dog, and thus must do his job.

The climate and workload are rough enough for the pampered beagle; the rancorous isolation he is forced into by his unaccommodating packmates almost breaks Snoopy's spirit completely. He seeks escape and almost finds it when the driver stops at a saloon. Typical Snoonanigans ensue, but ultimately he's out set out on his ass and back in the pack.

At the next rest stop, Snoopy has resigned himself to fate. Instead of letting the bigger, meaner dogs bully him away from the fish and water, he bares his teeth and ruffles his fur to show them he can hang and bang. When it comes time to hit the trail again, Snoopy places himself in the position of lead dog and dares challengers to approach. With the littlest beagle that could leading the charge, the journey continues.

Snoopy's triumph is short-lived; a daring dash across a frozen body of water is not ballsy or quick enough to elude the cracking ice. Down into the frigid waters go the man and his Huskies. Snoopy tries harder than he knows how to pull them up, but inevitably must abandon the hero role and concentrate on saving his own hide. Just as his anguished cries give way, the nightmare ends.

A feverish pantomime to Charlie Brown and lovingly-prepared chocolate fudge sundae later, Snoopy is finally able to rest peacefully. He is no wiser. He's your dog, Charlie Brown. 9

MUSIC: This is when Ed Bogas and Judy Munsen were not confident enough to completely abandon what made Peanuts music so effective. The 1920s style harmonica-heavy soundtrack needs to work from the jump, as over 90% of the show is dialogue-free. Thankfully, the moods set by the music are appropriately realized and placed. 8. Also, how remiss would your girl be if she didn't give love to "Overlycivilized, Underlydogified Dog" as sung by Larry Finalyson? "Bring out the boowwls! Sharpen the kniiiiiiiiives!"

ANIMATION: Winter is my favorite season, and seeing it animated is no less enjoyable. The dogs are wonderfully drawn, and Snoopy's tranformation into a rabid beast is both reality-stretching and hilarious. Again, in a special so free of verbals, the expressions and actions take center stage. If they fail to entertain, the viewer won't hang around. The animators do a fantastic job in making Snoopy's nocturnal catacomb engaging. 10

VOICES: This is easy, there's only one (Bill Melendez' Snoopy, as always, excepted): Liam Martin as Charlie Brown. He gets a 7 in a limited role. "Hey! Hey! Hey!"

CAN YOU IMAGINE, LIKE, IF IT WAS LIKE LIGHT OUT FOR THE WHOLE DAY? LIKE WHEN YOU WOKE UP IT WAS LIGHT OUT AND WHEN YOU WENT TO SLEEP IT WAS STILL LIGHT OUT? LIKE CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING A BARBECUE AT 2 AM BUT IT'S LIKE TOTALLY LIGHT OUT?

--I don't say or think "Bitch, please" anymore. Not since I saw this show again. I just get the same stance as Snoopy in the above capture. The ineffable cool of Snoopy could not be seized more perfectly.

--Would you eat even one onion and pepperoni pizza, much less five?


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You gotta love just grabbing whole pizzas and eating them. Who the hell just takes an entire pie by one hand and says, "Yeah, time to grub!" It's called "slice at a time", Snoop.

--The sequence with Snoopy in the saloon is the highlight of the show. From playing "The Washington Post March" on the PlayerPiano (does The Baltimore Sun have a march? More likely a rag) to the doomed poker game.




--One day, Jebus willing, we will see these scenes come to vivid life on a very special "Animals Fight Back" edition of America's Funniest Videos.





There are few things in the world I find funnier than animals going after kids. Seriously. Not to the point where the children are injured, but just knocking them down or dragging them across the backyard. They got it coming, trust me. Every time. Might teach them to respect our little furry friends.

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I'D LIKE THAT DARK ALL THE TIME STUFF. LIKE YOU WAKE UP IT'S DARK AND YOU GO OUTSIDE IT'S LIKE ALWAYS DARK. LIKE WHEN MR. BURNS BLOCKED OUT THE SUN THEN HE GOT SHOT AND THE BABY DID IT, LIKE WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. I MIGHT GO CRAZY IF IT WAS DARK ALL THE TIME.

--You think this part scared some kids?




--

I know it's Snoopy, but...that's disgusting.


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This special was inevitable. Er? Yes, I believe so.

"Unfortunately, the balance of nature decrees that a super-abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares"--Peter Ustinov

Snoopy is one of the greatest dreamers in history. His list of personas could fill a nice slab of memorial wall. There seems no world he is unwilling or unable to step into and immerse himself into completely, no role he can't play with swaggering relish. In that light, it can be assumed that this particular slice of hell was cut from a sizable pie.

Charlie Brown Snoopy Peanuts