Shonen Knife--"Minna Tanoshiku" and the Bottomless Candy Bowl

Kurt Cobain has, in the 13 years since the Nirvana frontman ceased to exist, been made into such a daunting, impenetrable figure of near-spectral proportions that simple facts regarding his person are frequently forgotten as they do not conform to the myth cultivated by fans, friends, enemies, and cultural commentators. Among these facts are several I can't relate to: Cobain was a gifted singer/songwriter, a drug addict, a husband, a father, an ambivalent rock star.

There is another truth which does resonate personally, though--Cobain was a voracious fan of music. To gaze upon the much-dissected list of his top 50 favorite albums is to be awed and perhaps even skeptical (Public Enemy is the go-to rap act for insecure white kids who want to show you how cool they are). There's the melodic crunch of the Pixies, the bat-cave horror of the Swans, the sludge-pudge of Melvins, the saddle-ready classic rock of Aerosmith, and the gleeful amateurism of the Shaggs. And Daniel Johnston. And Shonen Knife.

Ah, Shonen Knife. Did ever a band so beloved by Kurt befuddle his acolytes so thoroughly? Here's the conventional wisdom of those resolutely not "of the knife":

Three Japanese women who want to be the Beatles and the Ramones all wrapped up in a pancake, and probably would be except that they can't play, can't sing, and really can't see how all these big artists who profess to be fans really are taking the royal piss. I mean, Sonic Youth, Redd Kross, Fugazi, Sleater-Kinney, Babes In Toyland, L7, Beck, John Zorn, for God's sake Lemmy, Bikini Kill even--please. Take away the matching outfits and the kitsch factor of cute Asian chicks and no one would give a fuck about a Shonen Knife and their been-there-done-that three fuzzy chords with an uptempo beat.

Well, if you are of the Knife, or don't have an allegiance either way, let's continue.

Shonen Knife began in 1981, two sisters (Naoko and Atsuko Yamano) and a friend (Michie Nakatani) on guitar, drums and bass, respectively with Naoko and Michie sharing vocal duties. After rehearsing and gigging around their hometown of Osaka for a bit, local label XA Records released their first cassette, Minna Tanoshiku ("Everybody Happy" in English) in 1982. The original pressing of 50 copies sold out and diligently XA produced more. However, after only 20 copies had left the presses, the band stepped in and demanded that the label halt. XA abided, and only 70 copies of Minna Tanoshiku were ever made.

Future albums enjoyed greater distribution and band support: Burning Farm, Yama No-Attchan, and Pretty Little Baka Guy, all released between 1983-86 (although the latter is best enjoyed in its 1990 reincarnation with the indispensable, legend-cementing Live in Japan). On these records were a band with a refreshing take on the classic punk-pop sound, reimagined through the minds and hands of musicians whose melodic genius and pure pop sensibility and passion surpassed their technical ability. The lyrics were sung mostly in their native tongue, offering up the personification of fruit, suicide among working women, ugly animals, space travel, and food food food. It still holds up as catchy, super-cute, and undeniably borne of unabashed love for performing music, all brought to you by three women who at that time were still working as secretaries.

Slowly, the American underground caught on. When K Records honcho/Beat Happening founder/all-around Zeus to skinny, sensitive boys in the Pacific Northwest Calvin Johnson trekked to Japan in the early 80s, his musical curiosity led him to the Knife. Enchanted, he blessed Burning Farm with American release in 1985, thus showing these shores their first-ever glisten of SK. A coveted spot on the Sub Pop 100 compilation followed. Still, the girls remained ensconced in the land of the Big Red Dot on a White Flag like baby pandas at the zoo who just cannot bring themselves to appear before the clamoring crowd, choosing instead to huddle in the warm of Mama's protective bulk.

To promote Baka Guy, Shonen Knife released a videotape of crude videos for 8 of the albums 10 songs, mixed with live footage. When a copy found its way into the hands of Los Angeles bubble-punkers Redd Kross, Shonen Knife's previous proclivity towards provinciality was soon to meet its end.

The smitten McDonalds bros. shared both the video and audio Baka cassettes with their friends in the land of sun 'n' smog, spreading the Shonen sensation. Soon, an entire community of hipster-ass Cali-kids were in love. Having been so enamored of the Shaggs, they were thrilled to now have their own Shaggs.

The secret spilled over on August 2, 1989. Cajoled by their newest fans on the West Coast, Shonen Knife played their first-ever US gig at the 2nd Coming in Los Angeles. One grand worth of flesh packed the place, with Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth among the luminaries present to witness history. Those there would go on to describe a scene resembling a religious ceremony at its most fervent.

With that, part of the band died. Just being pleased as papaya to exist and create was no longer the soup of the day. Muddy production and sloppy musicianship (which enhanced the early materials stunning sense of melody and rhythm) was "rectified", gradually, and with the questionable advice of their new manager (who will go unnamed here because he was by many accounts a swindler and he's dead now anyway) Shonen Knife began singing songs exclusively in English. The production values became much crisper. Someone made Atsuko Yamano drum to a click-track in the studio. It all began sounding too clean. Goddamnit, what happened to the rusty Knife?

Not to say that SK from '92 onwards was scrubbed squeaky clean (shut up!) of all appeal. They are to this day releasing quality albums and putting on hellaciously fun live shows. A world with Shonen Knife active within it is far more preferable to a world without. It is rare to come across a band so lacking artifice and pretension about what it is they do. When Sonic Youth guitarist Lee Ranaldo cites Shonen Knife as an influence on his own massively-impactful band, you can bet it is not so much for their music inasmuch as their love of and dedication to music.

Some describe Shonen Knife as adults playing their music with the mindset of children. This should never be used as an insult; if such a state were strived for by more modern acts, you may very well see a considerable improvement in the state of music. Ah well.

---------------------------------------------------

Who knew, back in 1982, that the band who made a cassette they barely wanted anyone to hear would live on 25 years later as a viable recording and performing group? Who could have imagined that said cassette would be frothed after by a rabid cult, who gnash their teeth over its scarceness and fret themselves hairless over the likelihood that, with each passing year, some fool with a treasure he doesn't even appreciate tosses it in the garbage or lets it depreciate via exposure to any one of several hundred possible dangerous elements? All that we have had is a tracklisting and cover picture provided by some asshole who wouldn't copy it. More recently, Knife fans were set buzzing over the appearance of the tape on auction site gemm.com--the buyer is asking $632.50 for it.

I myself, as a devoted fan of SK, searched the Internet desperately. Certainly someone has put this rarer-than-a-Washington-Nationals-win piece of history up for download. Somewhere. Please.

This week...I found it. Where? Uh uh. No dice. Where I got it is easily accessible if you know how to work that Google. And let me tell you, it was a pain in the ass to download these tracks. I am providing, in one handy zip file, the much-desired, classic-without-hearing-a-single-note, shoulda-been-left-for-dead, Minna Tanoshiku. If you are a Shonen Knife head, you know what this tape means. It is Ground Zero, the book of Genesis, and "Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire" all in one. One of the most geniune, joyous, enduring bands started here. Enjoy it.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=JX4NZFVH

May you indulge a fangirl her own review?

As you will tell if you are already a fan, the majority of these songs were re-recorded for the bands next albums. Here then, a compare/contrast. Jesus, this is just amazing to able to do this!

BANANA LEAF--Later redone for Yama No-Attchan, and a personal favorite, this right off clues you in that you are listening to a muddled recording with low production value. And it's still good. The familiar riff is done via guitar here, as opposed to the later keyboard action, and Michie's ballast bassline is absent.

PARROT POLYNESIA--Appearing on the Burning Farm cassette, and the Minna track most unchanged in its later incarnation. Sing the riff with me, kids..dun-dun, dun-dun...

CANNIBAL PAPAYA--Destined for redo on Yama, this is the single Minna song that I will say they should not have made so many changes to. The bone-dry drums and scorching guitars of the intro are beastly, as is the appearance of backing "ahhhs" during the chorus. Many fans of the Knife bristle at the Shaggs comparisons, and I am one of them. The Shaggs could barely play. The SK of '83-on were never that inept. Well, folks...here's Shonen Shaggs. Michie's basswork and vocal delivery would improve immeasurably on the later version, as would Atsuko's drumming.

SABOTEN--A cover of Delta 5's "You" with new lyrics. The girls have a hell of a time reinterpreting a punky fave. You! You! You will be singing along or found to have no soul.

BURNING FARM--How is this different from the later version? Does starting with two straight minutes of African chanting and drums count for much? Wow. Once the girls come in, you will notice the song is much more sinister than the 1983 version in both music and vocals.

PARALLEL WOMAN--That riff again! Goddamn, few bands just took a riff and worked it into as many holes as Shonen Knife were doing for the stuff that ended up on Burning Farm. Slower than the later rendition. Still very much about workplace suicide.

AN ANGEL IS COMING--Live version of a Yama favorite. Not great.

SPIDER--Consider it confirmed--this is the version that appears on Live in Japan.

I AM A REALIST--Amazing to hear a studio version of this Live in Japan track. Anyone who thinks SK were all sunshine lollipops and Ramones chords everywhere needs to be directed towards this stark, jagged track.

VOICE OF CRANE/TORTOISE BRAND THEME--"Crane" is an almost-pointless intro, but this original version of an absolute Knife classic is a grand example of how rough they really started out. Is that a mouth harp? And oh, Naoko's riffing...damn, she got a lot better.

PLANET X--Never again released. Kinda sounds like "Planet Claire" by the B-52s as it starts. And oh shit, that riff! Except it takes a downturn, thereby another twist on the old formula. I just love it, some bands would take that chord progression, fuck with it, and choose the best-sounding strike to record. Not Shonen Knife. They took that riff and made half a goddamn album with it. Play it fast, play it slow, play this for everyone you know!

SUMMERTIME BOOGIE--Wouldn't appear again until four years later. I swear to God Michie is about to laugh when she and Naoko do the brilliant dual-"Ahhhh!" in the middle. So great.

MIRACLES--The "Miracles" of Burning Farm is the best song ever recorded by an all-girl band. Ever ever ever. So as you can imagine this version was bound to fascinate me. And it does. The avian flu progression of notes is there, but played by a submerged single guitar string as opposed to the latter version's fuzz-o-rama; a drum machine is present throughout; and the vocals are treated to comic effect, like Naoko's down in the water with the guitar string. Yes, kids, it's the best song on the tape STILL.

Wow...I hope you enjoy this find. I'm still on the sugar rush myself!


Shonen Knife Minna Tanoshiku rare cassette mp3

It's Arbor Day, Charlie Brown

First aired on network television 3/16/76, Arbor Day is one of the least-recalled and least-rerun of the "classic" era Peanuts programs. This is due to a few things, none more obvious than the fact that this holiday the show celebrates is one in which no gifts are received, and no unhealthy vittles are devoured. One must simply love trees enough to take time out to cultivate and nurture one or a few. Did you know Arbor Day is celebrated the last Friday of April? Likely you did not. Arbor Day, then, is the Aquaman of holidays.

STORY: Sally is compelled to do a school report on Arbor Day, while the rest of the kids (and Snoopy) dedicate themselves to growing a garden within the confines of the baseball field imminently due to host a game between Peppermint Patty's squad and that of the oblivious Charlie Brown. 7.5

MUSIC: More Vince Guaraldi "music to clink wine glasses to", with the notable exceptions of the baseball action and end credits, sequences featuring uptempo, danceable jazz playing that 30 years on is still smooth as summer lemonade sipped sitting in the shade under the largest tree you can find. 8

(This was the final Peanuts special to feature the music of Vince Guaraldi. Hours after finishing up the soundtrack for Arbor Day on 2/6/76, he went to Butterfields in Menlo Park, CA to perform the first of two sets. Back in his hotel room after the initial performance, he died of a sudden heart attack. The death of Vince Guaraldi at age 47 affected things of greater significance than mere children's shows, but the Peanuts animated legacy lost an immeasurable key to its appeal when Mr. Guaraldi passed away. The sound of cool jazz in the background with neurotic children in the foreground was the rare stroke of genius so well-executed, so singular, that no attempts at borrowing it could ever be made.)

ANIMATION: Subdued; fine coloring on the garden, as well as great renderings of the flowers, bushes, plants and trees that obtrusively decorate the site of the zig-zag warriors Waterloo. 10



VOICES: Dylan Beach gets a 7 for his attempt at Charlie Bizz, and his consistently flat, perfectly-enunciated performance is only that high thanks to his being given the highlight line of the show, stated below in the "great things" section. Sister Sarah gets an 9.5 for Lucy...this is about as good a Lucy as you'll hear, covering the fine line between shrill, shrewd, and crabby with panache.

Gail M. Davis is Sally, the girl who thought Arbor Day was "when the ships come into the arbor" and thus must atone by presenting a detailed history of this overlooked holiday to the class. Occasionally screechy, but redeemed to a score of 9 by her delivery of the lines meant to get laughs.

Vincent Dow as Rerun (animated debut), Greg Felton as Schroeder, and Michelle Muller as Frieda get 6, 5, 6, respectively. Rerun on the back of his mothers bike was done much better almost 30 years later in I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (and the kid doing his voice sounds like an ideal Sally), Frieda was limited, and no one in the history of ever has ever given Schroeder good voice. A suitably dull history for an overrated character, I say.

Liam Martin as Linus does not start out great; his are the first words spoken in the special ("Okay Mom, Rerun's on the bike!") and they are screeled out in a voice that makes me want to rub sandpaper all over my private area just to calm the general discomfort. 7.5 Finally, Peppermint Patty is voiced by a boy, Stuart Brotman. It is very hilarious to consider this young lad voicing the insecurities of a rugged, love-starved tomboy. ("You're holding my hand, Chuck! You sly dog!") For overall gender fuckery, a solid 9.5.



Overall, the show gets an 8. Novelty both helps and hurts; there's nothing to compare a special like this to, but the rewatch value is lower than many of the other Peanuts presentations.

I SAID HUG THE TREE, NOT DRILL A HOLE WAIST-LEVEL THROUGH IT--GREAT MOMENTS
9. Well, not great, exactly--when the ball is hit to Lucy and Frieda in the outfield, they ignore it and continue conversing. This is not odd, if you know your Peanuts. But why are their voices garbled? I have yet to find an official explanation. Possibly the Mendelsohn/Melendez/Schulz trio getting all avant on us.

8. After Sally's faux pas, a classic Peanuts gag: attack of the killer HA's.



7. From the "the hell with it, kids like Snoopy, we need more Snoopy, could you possibly fit Snoopy in somewhere anywhere, Snoopy Snoopy Snoopy!" pile--Linus and Sally are walking home from school. Behind them, the decidedly non-BOE-approved Snoopy and Woodstock.



6. Despite everything going wrong for him--the flora orgy that is his ball field, the tree on the mound, the fact a dog is his shortstop, his mighty pinstriped opponent--Charlie Brown manages to take his team to the brink of victory. Then it rains. Mightily. As animals go off two by two, Charlie Brown pleads for mercy. "We were Winning!" This matter of wins and losses bothers no one...only poor round-headed kid.

5. Linus and Sally study up in the library. It does not take long for Sally to get distracted and swoon over her reluctant tutor and chase him down the street ("We can sip a drink from the same cup! A loving cup!" Yet another mildly-funny line in writing made classically hilarious by a top-notch reading.)

4. Snoopy and Woodstock, conversely, find the library hilarious. Snoopy is so overwhelmed with glee by the absurdity of the advice contained within a book that purports to help owners control their dogs, he runs to make copies of the choicest pages. A loop of heart-tickling Snoop guffaws follows, ceasing only when the bungling beagle brings his best buddy a little too close to the action.

3. In the throes of her education, Sally has no time for those who lack basic Arbor Day knowledge. "Mister Morton was an early voice for conservation!" Add in a raised fist and this is golden overkill. If you knew anyone who talked like that in real life, you'd never speak to or of them again.

2. Lucy hits a homerun (check for 'roids, I say) and Schroeder has to eat crow. Then, he has to kiss the heroine as she crosses home plate. As the moment of truth nears, Lucy glares at the reluctant catcher and spats, "If that's what it takes for you to kiss me, forget it! Another victory for women's lib!" Lucy was a great feminist.

1. Charlie Brown can't wait to see what his team has done to make the ball field immaculate for play. Ah, the fresh grass; the even dirt of the mound and base paths; maybe even fences with a new coat of paint. What a shock it is for him, then, when he sets his beads upon all the plant life. Despite passing out when all the blood rushes to his bowling ball, he rises to gaze yet again at the vines and leaves sprouting all over the scene of his always-imagined, never-realized glory. He points and proclaims, "My pitchers mound! It's got a tree on it!"

Those lines are wickedly absurd, and thus funny as all git-the-hell-out. They are elevated into the realm of "rewind until the button gets stuck and you have to beat it against a couch arm to free it back out" by Dylan Beach's recitation. It's a voice that may as well be saying, "My testicles! They've got hair on them!" Oh Dylan, today you are a man. And oh man, thank Jebus that the Peanuts creative crew didn't get a boy who had any real personality to do the voice of Chuck in this special.

It is a mistake, then, to disregard this in the overall canon. It would also be erroneous to take a Master of Puppets-type view (if I may dare to liken a relatively innocent show for children with one of the classic heavy metal albums of all time). That particular axis-altering album was the last Metallica would release before the death of their linchpin bassist, stoner gas-station attendant impressionist Cliff Burton. To many, although certainly not all, the band would not only never reach such heights of metal thrashing mad again, they were a demonstrably less able and impressive band, as if Burton's demise also claimed the heart and hunger that drove 4 young California metalheads to be "greater than" in the first place. Everything after was "Metallica Jr."

Some have said that with Vince Guaraldi's death, so too went much of the charm of the animated specials. Guaraldi's music gave Peanuts an indelible stamp, an air of cool and style that no other kids show in history has matched to date. Yes, tis true, later specials were often musically unspectacular, and in the case of a few Judy Munsen-composed shows, downright hideously scored. But the core of Schulz/Melendez/Mendelsohn was too good, too dedicated, too in sync, too unable to stop. It would take a full 24 years for the trio to release their St. Anger.


Charlie Brown Peanuts Snoopy arbor day

The 30 Greatest Sonic Youth Songs Ever

Agree or disagree, know that this list is the product of blissful deliberation.

30. "I Dreamed I Dream", Sonic Youth
A Kim/Lee duet (the first of a few, despite what Bob Bert apparently believes), but that isn't the sole reason this EP track remains a fan favorite. On the heels of a hurricane, this is isolated menace. Everything about it is call-and-response: repetitive bass harks reiterative percussion to a tidy bed only to see two gleaming, jagged guitar buddies cannonball their resting place and soil the sheets.

The lyrics concern a couple seemingly doomed due to one or the others nagging solipsistic views. Sentiments are half-hearted either in actual word or delivery, but intoned so memorably by Lee and Kim that they stick to any surface. The infamous "fucking youth/working youth" would be echoed in the most bitter, cynical entry of Lee's JRNLS80S (yeah, Lee, I do read you), while Kim manages to make a woman uttering the word "impotence" a boner-birthing experience. See how she's my idol?

HIGHLIGHT: The perverted orchestral-sounding guitar section that splits the two individual spoken passages of the song is fresh as ever.

29. "Rain King", Daydream Nation

I can't handle this insane wait for East Coast DDN shows to be announced; there are two songs that will be played during said set that will cause dog-frenching pleasure overload in your humble writer: #25 and this, one of Lee's overlooked works of genius. The stream-of-consciousness lyrics pop up through SY's version of classic rock like the eternally cool observations of a man who has seen enough to know you shouldn't see it all.

HIGHLIGHT: "Crossfire rain king with his cadillac kid/Marries every dictionary from his trainyard bliss." Are you fucking serious? Amazing, amazing language. And oh yeah, taking bets now on how much of the lyrics Lee forgets for the new tour.

28. "Brother James", Kill Yr Idols
Bob Bert's drums only sound shit compared to the skin-pounding Steve "Jim DeRogatis' mom loves me" Shelley produces on all live versions of this beastly tune. But whereas said stage versions slay via speed, the version on record is tribal ritual, and not one of those encouraging regenerative powers either. People are losing virginity, limbs and lives to this soundtrack. Inspired by loser guru Jim Jones.

HIGHLIGHT: "Take my hand, you might as well/We're goin' straight to Hell." I don't know about y'all...I'm going where Kim says go.

27. "The Neutral", Rather Ripped
You may find this song boring, if you suck.

Rather Ripped got ripped ratherly, Dick Dastardly, either due to the overwhelming poppy field it traversed or the utter lack of skronko freako weirdo Ono Bobo mojo. Which borders on "official line" crap, really. People need to stop couching their dislike of Kim Gordon with these adorable explanations. Please be blunt about your aversion to the greatest female in music history so I can pity you. Please express your desire to live in a world where Sonic Youth is just the 3 dudes, and no Kim. 'Cause you are wrong. Sonic Youth without Kim Gordon is like sex without orgasm--not bad at all, but not as great as it can be. Kung Fu Nation needs to put that shit on a shirt.

It took a dog's eternity for me to warm up to this song, probably due to my acclimation to the whimsy of the lyrics. I don't care how many years she lives in New York or Massachusetts, Kim G. has a Cali-voice, and always will. This is a jaunt through the West just like "PCH", but less homicidal.

HIGHLIGHT: The simplistic purr of that effected riff after both instances of the chorus. Which was never replicated that well live, unfortunately.

26. "Shaking Hell", Confusion is Sex (I was at the show this performance is from...fuck yes)
The retarded funk of the bass and whack-a-mole guitar is C-level fright-flick--it's only when shit gets minimal that we enter Don't Look Now territory. Kim sounds as frightful as her nemesis Courtney Love looks these days. And, finally discovered she's a--what? What is she? A whore? A white slave? A Stepford Wife? A Republican?

HIGHLIGHT: When Kim gives the order to shake.

25. "The Sprawl", Daydream Nation

Kim's shining succession of moments on a momentous record. But it wouldn't be here were it solely her show, believe that. When people talk about SY stretching out and "extrapolating", this is a song that they refer to. One person's "goes nowhere" is anothers "holy shit, I didn't want that to stop."

HIGHLIGHT: "Does this sound simple? Fuck you. Are you for sale? Does 'fuck you' sound simple enough? This was the only part that turned me on, but he was candy all over." Snoopy isn't even this cool.

24. "French Tickler", A Thousand Leaves

You knew the greatest album ever had to have its say. Sonic Youth hit a peak phase here ("phase" being the operative word) and Kim's meditations on leisure go from beckoning to threatening so abruptly you could just hear all the Washing Machine devotees squeeze their cheeks together.

HIGHLIGHT: The entirety of Kim's vocal performance. I listen to her all out of key and think of how many people it pissed off and I...smile. Eight miles wide, baby.

23. "Skink", Experimental Jet Set, Trash and No Star

Kim owns this album; I still don't understand why it's her professed least favorite SY wreck-hard ever. Oh wait, of course I do; it's her unbearable guilt over hogging the spotlight and denying Lee Ranaldo's songs their rightful place, right? Lee fanboys are the greatest!

I want to swim slooooowlyyyyy around a green-lit pool as this song plays on a 3-hour loop.

HIGHLIGHT: "Here. There." Great example of guitars complementing Kim's vocals...not a common occurrence in the SY oeuvre.

22. "Inhuman", Confusion is Sex

Overrated like water into wine, but still tremendous--like walking on water! The guitars brook no pretense; they're too busy stabbing the dumbass kids who don't (or can't, stupid hormones!) hightail it out of the house immediately upon finding their friend hanging lifeless from the ceiling fan. Jim Sclavunos plays his freaky, loves-to-have-items-inserted-in-his ass off.

"My body is a pasttime/My mind is a simple joy/But you don't know me/And you don't need me/Complete inhuman". They'd never again plumb such pessimistic depths.

HIGHLIGHT: The beginning, AKA, revving up Satan's lawnmower.

21. "Mote", Goo

Just like "Eric's Trip", this is a Lee track folk consistently orgasm over, except I understand it in this case. As evidenced by "Rain King", Lee sounds killing whilst reciting the poetry of a vagabond mind over swirling guitar noise and steady, insistent rhythm.

HIGHLIGHT: The last 4 minutes. The moment on Goo when anyone with ears realized this band could never "sell out."

20. "Sunday", ATL

So brilliant not even a video featuring a talentless actor making out with his girlfriend can ruin it! (Just imagine the "So Easy A Caveman Can Do It" commercials.) This set the tone for an album chock full of lazy haze and vague yet somehow profound meditations on the autumn of life. "Sunday" is loaded with emotion and enlightenment on the levels of lyrics and music, and it
gives the overwhelming impression of a man happy with his lot.

HIGHLIGHT: The riff that kicks in at 0:15 is a total jack of Helium's "Skeleton". You will acknowledge Mary Timony as your guitar goddess....now!

19. "I Love You Golden Blue", Sonic Nurse

I dunno; tis fact that Kim sequenced this album, and I want to know why she put this near the end instead at the very beginning, as it was rewarded in the live show.

Tell me why the Youth should follow the herd in loosing sinister squeals and squalls when their old asses can actually execute songs brick-thick with weariness, sorrow and contemplation? Especially with Kim Gordon whisper-singing all the while.

HIGHLIGHT: "I can't feel the thrill." I couldn't have been the only one who had my heart filled then snapped in half.

18. "Cinderella's Big Score", Goo

Thurston's behind-das-bridge playing at the intro is a Sonic Youth fanboys version of "you know those guitars that are like...double guitars?" Fuzzed-out and fucked-up as the protagonist (allegedly, based on Kim's schizophrenic brother Keller Gordon), with pogo-igniting drum work and flawless structure.

HIGHLIGHT; The vocals kick in, beginning and end.

17. "Screaming Skull", EJSTANS

I may be this song's #1 fan, but don't get too excited, haters. No sledgehammer to the ankles of this grizzly beauty. Sure, the Thurston "Rap Damage" version destroys in such a brilliantly stupid way that Young Jeezy will be appearing on a remix of it for inclusion on his upcoming mixtape, Thaaaaaaat's Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight: More Rhymes About Cocaine Over Shit Synth Beats.

This is SY pretty much on autopilot, but so what? Thurston multi-tracking his vox to the point of femininity is pretty damn cool, too.

HIGHLIGHT: Thurston's end-of-track adlibbing.

16. "Karen Koltrane", ATL

More heartscraping Lee-on-lost-love here, with music for a spooky midnight guiding him along. The "will she stay forever" middle passage is magnificently constructed, and demonstrates Lee is much better suited to raw emotion than either Kim or Thurston.

HIGHLIGHT: The first two lines. That's how you set up your story. Sky is the limit.

15. "Starfield Road", EJSTANS

On July 2, 1999, Sonic Youth played their last show (in Berkeley, CA, for chrissake) before the legendary gear theft. In addition to a multitude of specialty instruments, the band also apparently lost this song; it has not graced a single set list since.

Shame. Best song about anal sex ever ("Whole Lotta Love" is so overrated, don't even bring that into the discussion; that vaunted middle section isn't erotic, it just sounds like a hyena orgy taking place in a wind tunnel). Can't you just feel the KY being applied? Can't you just see the rest of the band shooting each other disbelieving looks as they hear the shit their beanstalk leader is singing? "Ai ye butt cheeks can't be tamed/As I splooey my name/In flame"? That shit's icon status. Dude is yakkin' 'bout "bend down round this garbage can" and his band mates are attempting to zap alien invaders, and why is no one answering that fucking phone?!

HIGHLIGHT: The spaceship lands! Aliens lose! Turbo goes to rocket, no shit.

14. "Beauty Lies in the Eye", Sister

Close your eyes and make a wish...it won't come true, likely, but you'll always have this song to make you believe it will.

HIGHLIGHT: The animal call that pops up like a lion's death throes throughout the song, over shimmering-with-life strumming. Sonic Youth understand contrast.

13. "Hoarfrost", ATL

Oh dear God...there are two songs in the world that effortlessly evoke snow, "Skating" by Vince Guaraldi and this. While the former is light on its feet, this is heavy on the mind. A couple traverse frosted woodlands and for what?

HIGHLIGHT: "You'll know where/When we get there." This lyric sums up the career philosophy (insofar as one could be presumed applied) of Sonic Youth. Awesome.

12. "Brave Men Run", Bad Moon Rising

I hath ripped it from "Intro" like infant from mama--deal with it.

How odd--and invigorating--this must have seemed to those familiar with the screw-in-a-swamp that was Confusion is Sex, to hear this for the first time. Signs of technical proficiency here and there, and even honest-to-Jebus, no reach required, beauty.

The lyrical play off of the title is awesome: said brave men run, alternately, "in my family", "into the setting sun" and finally, "away from me."

HIGHLIGHT: Kim's 3 note bass pattern, Exhibit A in the case of KIM GORDON'S VALUE AS SY'S BASSIST VS. SO-CALLED CONVENTIONAL WISDOM.

11. "Doctor's Orders", EJSTANS

Kim tackling (in the flag-football way) the issue of legally drugged-up women. There's a great Mary Gaitskill short story somewhere in here.

HIGHLIGHT: The guitars finally quit clearing their throats, while Kim continues her somnolent tale of a middle class princess come undone. Anyone who's heard the "raw" version of this track appreciates this all the more.

10. "Orange Rolls, Angels Spit", Dirty

No one knows what Kim is saying, not entirely. It's Charlie Brown's teacher letting her hair down for Karaoke Friday at Ruby Tuesdays, or some shit. This, of all the rockers on Dirty, is proof that SY could do balls-out crunch and roll with the best of the time, but of course they couldn't resist throwing some good ol' maelstrom in the middle--where it at? in the middle!--thus cutting the commercial legs out from under the radio-ready beast.

HIGHLIGHT: After all that pummelling and pounding, wailing and wilding..."Say goodbye." And pick up whatever you dropped, I heard that!

9. "Reena", Rather Ripped

Kim's about as on-off with hitting these notes live as I am with typing up my SY tour journals. Self-burn! More relevant, the fact that she nails it here. The lyrics are suitably open to the listener's whimsy--can't really go wrong with a bipolar female protagonist, proclaims the expert--and there's lots going on under it all if you listen. Hear the boys share adventure stories, just as they've always done, except a quarter-century on the tales have an O. Henry sense of economy and twist.

HIGHLIGHT: "I had a friend who/Cried all the time". The double-tracked vocals are perfect for the song's theme of duality.

8. "Sweet Shine", EJSTANS

The fact that Sonic Youth have never performed this live is not as tragic as the Hindenburg disaster, but it is more catastrophic than, say, the Lindbergh Baby Kidnapping (I mean, kid was a Jr.; he woulda spent his whole life in his dad's shadow).

Typical Jet Set in that the band is resting (but not sleeping), putting the onus on the vocalist/lyricist to step up and elevate. Which Kim does, much more than her husband, explaining why 5 of the 14 songs from the album have made my top 30 yet the album ranks 12th of 14 overall on that particular list.

Thurston told NME prior to the albums release that this song was "very personal to Kim." I have heard a few theories about the dominant meaning of the track, chiefly that it concerns Kim's impending motherhood. Which certain of the lyrics could suggest. However, I did a full lyrical analysis (spared you here, oh lucky reader) and decided that "Sweet Shine" is a reflection on marriage, specifically her own.

HIGHLIGHT: Wherein I make my most poignant argument.

"Cowboys are languishin'/Little girls are bees/Is it really a green stagecoach/Crawlin' up to me?"

Lines so memorable Thurston quoted them at the beginning of his Alabama Wildman book; in response to an interviewers query, he would claim to have chosen them for their quintessential Kim-ness. I think they made an impression worth regurgitating for a different reason. The cowboys are the boys in the band, in moments of relaxation, say pre- or post-concert. The buzzing girls are as close as any band on SY's level can get to "groupies". The green stagecoach--genius fucking use of Wild West imagery throughout; note also the "Marlboro belt buckle baby" line in the first verse--is jealousy, visiting the wife of the guitar hero.

And there's more, all suppositions and guesses in a fool's game. We all have our explanations to fill such open space, usually designed to endear the song to us. That was mine.

7. "Disappearer", Goo

Tom Verlaine wrote Spin magazine's review of this watershed release, the first opinion on the group my greenhorn fan self ever read. He was, as I recall, particularly taken with the lyrics to this song, and it's one of Thurston's crowning achievements in the realm of pen-to-paper. Like, I would put this song and "Small Flowers Crack Concrete" back to back on a mixtape as a joke.

The band follows T-bone's lead and creates a soundbed sweet enough to float across the nightskies on, into the parallel universe where this would have been a huge radio smash and propelled Goo to gold status. Ah well.

HIGHLIGHT: "Pick it up and/Turn it on and/Head on out to/The Western Starland". Thurston's mild surfer whine never served him so well.

6. "Titanium Expose", Goo

T-money Mackamillionz was really at a lyrical crest on this album. Here he takes a stab at pinpointing the loveliness in a marriage's routine and he actually does it. Drive-in dreams and seasonal transitions, I guess Kim Gordon would be a hell of a muse.

HIGHLIGHT: That riff. That highway patrol-defying beast of a riff. I can just see the band riding that in rehearsal for 20 minutes.

5. "Stones", Sonic Nurse

Thus far, the pinnacle track of SY's 21st-century output. The start is actually so commonplace I was praying Thurston wouldn't start singing in mimic of it. Finally, as the words enter the frame, axes swoosh to claim individual sweet spots in the forest, making the journey onward easier, unobstructed grounds guiding your feet and naked winds whipping in your face to keep you awake and alert. Let's go explore; the dead are alive.

HIGHLIGHT: The best chorus in Sonic Youth history.

4. "Theresas Sound World", Dirty

Great title, first of all. I have a friend who may or may not have had this playing in the delivery room as her child was being born; it was an SY song, but she can't be 100% sure which. A good song to either come into this world to or leave it. If this is actually about Mother Theresa, well, chalk up another song on this list inspired by real-life figures who didn't deserve the honor (oh yeah, talkin' shit about a dead saint, I'm a cunt).

HIGHLIGHT: The gently plucked "hook" of the song is less effective if not preceded by the shearing glory of the band in full throttle. Sounds like the blood rushing through your body during the best sex of your life.

3. "The Diamond Sea", Washing Machine

The guitar effect at the beginning is still too cornball for me to give this song #1, ever. I'm sure it sounds wicked when weeded, but I don't smoke, so...poor me, huh?

Compensating for this, then, are thoughtful Thurston lyrics describing a woman as she begins to fall in love. The words are sad in some parts, sage in others, and ultimately sweet ("Sail into the heart of the lonely storm/And tell her that you love her eternally").

It is breathtaking on a lifechanging scale. It is not, however, how falling in love sounds. It is how it should sound; hell, I can think of several facets of life that should be accompanied by "The Diamond Sea" when we encounter them--waking up, going to sleep, dreaming, gazing at the world outside your window until it all blurs.

HIGHLIGHT: After the above-quoted lyrics, the band settles into a 4-bar lolling riff before the guits suddenly shoot upward and light the sky like the most no-bullshit firecrackers money can buy. No one is to talk to me for the duration of this section. The heralded eternal ending of this song is rightfully worshipped, but this part gets the nod for relative economy and abruptness of evocation in the listener.

2. "Silver Rocket", Daydream Nation

A legendary album's greatest track. Pure rock and roll with patented feedback break until it's time to lose your mind once again. Live, Lee adds bells to the middle section. Son, Sonic Youth are the greatest band in the world, and no amount of grey hair, wrinkles, or pot belly makes that not so.

HIGHLIGHT: There is no "highlight"; the whole song is 3+ minutes of "how did I ever live my life without hearing this at least once a day."

1. "Starpower", EVOL (no, no live video of this; Thurston always sang it and just fucked it up so fuckingly that Kim should have kicked his balls clear up to his throat. But, then I think, well, maybe as his wife she would have vested interest not to do that)

Steve Shelley brings it steady; the guitars are timidly trying out this "melody" thing; Kim is singing in the most imperiously awesome voice of all time about the ecstasy of having an idol. "Black to blue" is how the world turns everytime I hear this song.

HIGHLIGHT: After the second citation of the chorus, when Lee and Thurston join together on a mission to use sound to scrape a layer of rock off the nearest mountaintop. I shit you never, when I first heard this song, and it got to this part, I rewound it over 10 times. I cannot--to this day--be anything but gutpunched by the sound those two mere mortals are making come out of those lovingly hotwired guitars.

So there it is...drop comments/lists as you see fit. Thanks for reading, also, I'm not exactly F. Scott Fitzgerald.

sonic youth

It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown

Yes, it's a day or so past Easter. And yes, the intent was to have a review up on the very blessed day itself. Yet...food got in the way. Oh, the turkey. The stuffing. The potatos, both sweet and mashed. By the time all I could stand of my mother's "old school" vittles was settling in my passive-aggressive stomach, the best I could manage to pound out was my Sunday standby, the "You Said It" roundup.

So it was tempting to scratch off said review; but I could not. Peanuts television specials are programs that I have been itching to cover since this site's inception. As if an ever sharper nudge to tender ribs was required, an emotional roller coaster the likes of which makes the Hydra in Allentown look like a glorified Slip-n-Slide just recently let me loose from its safety bar after about a days worth of reeling and twisting. To immerse oneself in a childs world (albeit a preternaturally wise one) was just what the doctor ordered, if I in fact had an observant doctor.

If this type of thing interests you, I will be doing these Peanuts posts either A) as the time of year fits (ie, Christmas, Thanksgiving) or B) as my time fits (ie the non-seasonal specials).

So let's get to the nit-grit.



ORIGINAL AIRDATE: 4/9/74

STORY: Although Charlie Brown appears in the title, it is with this special the observant viewer begins to realize that the round-headed kid's preeminence is hardly a requisite for these specials to be made, much less to shine. Peppermint Patty is trying to teach Marcie the classic tradition of egg-coloring; Sally is fretting over remaining stylish; Lucy's avarice once again rears its crabby head; Snoopy and Woodstock are involved in some unfortunate domestic violence; and Linus sounds a familiar refrain with a tale of the "Easter Beagle", provider to children. Solid 9 out of 10.

MUSIC: How spoiled Charles Schulz, Lee Mendelson and Bill Melendez must have been, to be able to call upon such a gifted pianist as Vince Guaraldi. His work on A Charlie Brown Christmas and Great Pumpkin represents the apex of his Peanuts contributions (and will be covered more fully when those specials are considered), but to these ears at least, he never brought anything less than uncanny brilliance to the ebony and ivory. He reveled in creating classic themes for a show and then tweaking them with each subsequent appearance. Here, the introductory scene of an egg-bearing Marcie approaching the abode of "sir" features a pure "70s" rendition of "Peppermint Patty", one of his most uniquely structured pieces.

Low-key is the general soup of the day, soft organ and piano settling into the action with a sweet swing that brings to mind the greatest praise one can bestow upon a baseball umpire: to not mention them at all. The single exception to this is "Snoopy & Woodstock", a shockingly funky guitar loop with sparse percussion that is eventually joined by a tasteful but forceful guitar lick. This abrupt style of track was necessary, as it played over scenes between the two tacit animal buddies leading up to the decision to buy Woodstock his own birdhouse.

Overall, another 9. (David Guaraldi has released a CD of some of his fathers "cues", now for purchase at the official Vince Guaraldi website. This is hopefully the first of many, as no one--repeat, no one--wrote and performed better music for children's programs than "Dr. Funk.")

ANIMATION: Bright, but not tacky. No mean 1970s feat, you know. The children and their surroundings are drawn and colored perfectly, while the sole excursion into a fantastical realm (Snoopy dancing with the Bunny Wunnies) is executed with cute, exuberant detail. Give this an 8.



VOICES: In Rheta Grimsley's indispensable biography, Good Grief: The Story of Charles M. Schulz, it is revealed that the creator of the most patient loser in history had little forbearance when dealing with the children who voiced the animated versions of his characters. "Those stupid kids keep forgetting their lines," he is quoted as saying, thereby peeling back a layer of myth and reminding those that may have forgotten that the world of Peanuts is a world of bitterness, anxiety, and despair as much as it is of love, kindness, and humor.

Todd Barbee does double duty as Charlie Brown and Schroeder, a rather easy task in this special, as neither character gets much in the way of quality/quantity. 7.

Stephen Shea, brother of original Linus voice Chris Shea, takes over the role here. It's a relatively thankless role, no pun intended, as Chris' vocal portrayal of the neurotic grade-school philosopher is the finest job done by any child for any character in the animated history of Peanuts. Stephen does good by the family name, however, reading his lines with steady vox and even tone. 8.5

Melanie Kohn as Lucy. Any young girl who was/is able to give voice to the world's premier fussbudget without coming off as unbearably shrill should be given a free pass to all Camp Snoopys in America. Lucy's material invites--and not politely--over-the-top scene-chomping and spit-taking, but Melanie strikes a balance between the raging good and evil in this devil with a blue dress. 8

Lynn Mortensen is superbly naive as Sally; I don't think it's presumptuous to state that a requirement for voicing Sally is a tendency to recite less-than-seamlessly. 8.5 Marcie is voiced by a boy, James Aherns, who was at that tender age where his voice was soft enough in timber, yet rough enough in tone, to pass as a young girl. 8

The only 10 goes to Linda Ercoli as Peppermint Patty. Given the opportunity to steal the show, she nearly does, with a voice that screams "tomboy" right down to the softball cap atop the sweet pigtails. Why she was only used in 3 specials and one movie is a fair fuckin' mystery, if you ask me. Best "AUGH!" in a Peanuts special ever, and considering the number of times Charlie Brown missed the football, that is no small claim to fame.
Overall, It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown scores an average of 8.5, enough to call it a "great" Peanuts special, if not quite classic. Rest assured it handily wipes all downstairs floors with what passes for prime animation in this day and age (the technology advances, the actual animation degrades, how the hell does that work?). With categorical overviews out of the way and an actual rating determined, let's look at the nooks and crannies that make this such a rewatchable 25 minutes of Easter delight.

GREAT MOMENTS OF RICH CADBURY GOODNESS, IN ORDER OF SWEET CREME TASTE

9. Marcie has always seemed like a bright young lady, bookish certainly, eager to learn without doubt. Hence, her quest to master the art of coloring one's Easter eggs, under the tutelage of the ever-sage Patricia of Reichardt. As is so common with people of above-average intelligence, Marcie has trouble grasping the concrete. Ask her to consider the egg as a metaphor for the cosmos, she could not only wrap her head around that classic symbolism, but write an A+ essay of 3 to 5 pages with footnotes and not a single grammatical or spelling error to mar the gleam. To actually color the egg is almost from another galaxy to a young girl with a mind on different plane from her peers. Hence, her subsequent frying, toasting, waffling and "souping" of the poor chicken droppings. I once burned water in an attempt to make soup. Kindred spirits!

8. Woodstock's bachelor pad of a birdhouse, tripped out with the finest in gauche art and furniture, with French pop approximations providing the soundtrack to the life of the pimpinest bird since Heckle (but not Jeckle).

7. As Marcie, Peppermint Patty and Chuck Biz all sit slumped and crestfallen...as Lucy waits with bated breath for the Easter Egg Hunt (she's placed all the eggs, guaranteeing her victory)...as Linus is yet again withstanding a severe tongue-lashing from the thwarted Sally...a silhoutted figure traipses into view. It is the titular hero, with quaint flutes to signal multi-colored bounty for all the neighborhood kids. Except Charlie Brown.

6. Marcie receives an egg with a rainbow design. Just sayin'.

5. Superflous moments involving Snoopy that give purists strokes while pleasing anyone else who likes, you know, smiling: the hat-ransacking with Sally, the Bach-accompanied dance with Patty and Marcie, his kaleidoscope fantasy-dance with his beloved Bunny Wunnies (is he breakdancing?) and his defying of all sense of direction on the store escalator.





4. As iffy as I am regarding the merits of Lucy and Schroeder's unrequited love story, it is good here for at least one classic exchange between the emotionally distant musician and his ardent pursuer when she tries to convince him to bestow her with many a gift, as Easter is all about "giving."
"All you think is gimme gimme gimme, get get get."
"That's called survival, baby!"
S'wonderful, S'Schulz. Al Capp was write on the money when he called the Peanuts kids "bastards."

3. "Now look, kid. These are not to be fried, nor are they to be roasted, toasted, or waffled!"

2. Sally uttering the most "kid" lines in the whole special when she tells Linus, "I really want to believe you because I like you and I really respect you. But I just don't know." The earnestness of her delivery is tinged with just a hint of tease, the hallmark of the little kid who knows more than you think, or really more than they even know what to do with yet. It's a fine line between "aww, that's so cute" and "holy christ, why weren't you left in an alley?" with that kind of youngster, though.

1. For her final attempt to dye the eggs, Marcie is seen cracking them against a pot full of simmering water, then depositing the contents into said pot. The animators could have done this once or twice, cut away, then come back to an oblivious Marcie waiting for the eggs to boil. Instead, they drew a sequence in which Marcie is seen cracking and emptying the entire dozen carton of eggs. Lovely detail, and worthy of an admiring gape in this attention deficit day'n'age. (I would be remiss, however, to not point out the sequences where Snoopy goes to buy his pal Woodstock a new birdhouse. He has to do this twice, and the animation is identical in both sequences. The eggs tired the artists out, maybe.)

AMAZON.COM REVIEW OF THIS PROGRAM WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO WAS BEATEN WITH A CROWBAR AS A CHILD:

SNOOPY LAYS EGG, October 6, 1999
Reviewer: "wizzz" (USA) - See all my reviews
Take Chevy Chase and his hijinx comedy multiplied by a factor of about a thousand, and you've got this spring junker that completely eschews anything like artistic intuition or style. The first 10 minutes is clogged with wheezing routines that appear to have no punch, and no punch lines. Hold your breath, watch and wait for the Easter spirit to rise up from the Easter egg patch but don't be surprised when you find you've turned "blue". "It's the Easter Beagle Charlie Brown" is a trail of animation gags. The only thing missing was a magic act- I wish they could make this movie disappear.


A top 10 Peanuts special, then? Hmm. Can't say with absolute certainty of personal opinion until I complete ranking all of them, but my gut says yes. Which may just be the stuffing churning in there.

easter beagle snoopy

The Greatest Album Cover of All Time

So when I say that my personal choice for "greatest album cover" of all-time features a comical Satan, I won't be surprised or offended when you jump in with, "Ahh, yeah. 'Satan Is Real'. Lovin Brothers. Hilarious." That particular cover has reached iconic status even among folks who don't peruse web sites devoted to collecting and displaying wacked out cover art, like this one. Admittedly, it's great; two milquetoast thin men pictured in the midst of exaltation while behind them a ridiculously huge wooden Satan oversees flaming tires. But it's not sharp enough, the overall appearance far from crisp. This matters to me.

Behold...

I have never heard the contents of this record. I rather shudder to contemplate what such an experience would do to my notoriously tender soul. Might send me inside any of the 391 churches I pass on my way to work, for one. Or, inside any of the 420 bars I pass on the same trek. (I do have an audio file on disc of Van Impe sermonizing on the sexual revolution, with hilarious results. When I dig it up, I will share. Let's just say, Jack Van Impe don't give a shit about your orgasms, bitches!)

What's to love?

The use of color is brutally effective: one half vertical red, the other vertical black. The lettering and--crucially!--the cross are white.

The head 'n' shoulders profile shot of our humbling host is intended to express that this man proselytizing within brooks no secular nonsense. Gaze upon the expansive forehead, the tight-lipped half-smile as he considers the very little odds that the minions of Lucifer stand against his formidable combined shields of unbreakable piety and a head of hair blessed with all the V05 God's willed allowed. Please note that said picture is framed by a white square. Holiest of holies, color I shall smite thee.

Now--if you can summon forth the necessary inner strength--let's check out the Satan side of the cover.

White letters spell out the seemingly-contradictory title, which seems to be blemished by a rather devilish acne breakout. Hey, I know facial bumps'n'craters aren't exactly sightly, but it's rather rude to equate them with the Habitation of Fallen Angels. Underneath the title are several other words equating with what Christians call Hell (Hades, Gehenna, Tartarus) and the beckoning words--IS IT THE GRAVE? The question mark may seem needlessly greater than the actual words, but these religious record makers are far from foolish; why would you want to listen to Jack Van Impe preach his glorious sermon if you didn't want answers? Christians are always thinking, even when it seems they are not! Which is so very often! But we must remember, thoughts that are not very logical are still thoughts. See, I'm trying to be tolerant and set the good example.

Standing in the middle of some isolated flames, right next to the title like it's his drinking buddy is Satan--a bad Don, indeed.

Except...he's not. Look how small he is. Certainly it is not feasible to expect that the artists would render the Dark Lord to scale, but there's a certain standard we have come to adhere to. The Satan depicted here looks like a goddamn Gummi candy. How am I supposed to pledge to further my soul against the Devil when said evil angel appears before me in such a way that I want to go to 7-11 and raid the entire sweets section? Also, the poor state of his teeth seems to suggest that Satan is English, and golly, that's just xenophobic and inaccurate. I've been to England twice, and let me assure you...Satan wouldn't fucking bother.

So far, an awesome blend. It just needs one more element, one more outrageously silly...YES!

Why is Gummi Satan holding a pitchfork that is easily twice as long as he is? How unwieldy is that? "Obey my word, or I will have to make a few clumsy attempts at stabbing you!" Seriously, I don't think Satan even holds it any way but vertically. By the time he was able to maneuver it into position to give you some extra holes, you could have him in a figure four leglock. (Satan must hate when deceased wrestlers end up in his fiery realm, what a blow to his self-esteem. Wouldn't surprise me if he made a deal with God to send Lou Thesz to Heaven after one double wrist lock too many.)


"But that's the brilliance of it, woman! God is trying to show how ludicrous Satan is, and summarily, how ludicrous any human would be to worship such a foolish-looking charlatan! You can either find out through the Word of God, or a comical depiction on a record of sermons. You wanna do it the easy way or the hard way?!"

There you have it. Frankly, the cover to Hell Without Hell never fails to bring a chuckle of wonderment to this agnostic gal. Its almost enough to make me rethink my opinion that the world would be improved by the instant obliteration of organized religion. That's a scary five seconds in my brain, lemme tell ya.

album cover

And That's What Playing Fourth Fiddle Is All About, Charlie Brown

Since 1982, when I was a shy, chubby little girl left largely to her own devices by parents too worn out by six older children to give much the shit about what I did, I found comfort and entertainment in the comics and cartoons of the "Peanuts" franchise. The newspaper and the library provided panel after panel of the black-and-white (color on Sundays) brilliance that appealed to so-called "gifted" kids like myself and wry adults, while the tv screen flashed forth more easily digestible renditions of this motley crew and their neurotic swagger. Even the mind of an "advanced" child is still a child's mind, though, and it would take until years later when I reappraised the legacy of a barber's son from Minnesota with an adult brain that I could start to appreciate a universe where losing without respite is the rule. In "Peanuts", no one could die; they must keep failing. Imagine Sisyphus trudging up the hill mightily, with a round head and zig-zag shirt, Zeus bellowing "Blockhead!" every half an eternity or so. Tis the world that Charles Schulz created and developed for 50 years. Think of that...not 49, not 51. 50 years. Perfectly round.

Here now, the 18 major characters throughout the strip's run, ranked by my personal preference (18 being the least impressive, 1 being of course the most beloved).

18. PATTY



An OG character who lost her place as Schulz decided that she was not worthy of further development, and thus transferred her more outstanding traits into Lucy (where do you think Miss Fussbudget got the moxie to coldcock ol' Chuck in the first place?) Her plaid attire (with matching bow, even) was a nice touch, but the nether regions of listdom is the place for this lil folk, gone for good by 1976.

17. SHERMY

Original bud-o'-Chuck with a clockwork haircut. Very little actual personality, but forever entrenched in history via his outstanding dancing in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (do the Frankenstein!) and the fact that the very first strip consists of words spoken by Shermy and

Shermy alone. Phased out alongside Patty.

16. FRIEDA




Arrived in 1961 with naturally curly red hair and a seemingly-boneless cat named Faron. While she never really blossomed, she did stand out as an antagonist to Snoopy, berating him for not fulfilling his canine duty by chasing rabbits.

15. FRANKLIN



If "Peanuts" is the granddaddy of shows that feature preternatural younguns, such as "South Park", then Franklin is the old crotchety bastard that Token has to tolerate endless "back in my day" stories from. Wearer of amazing pants and the least neurotic of the entire clique, perhaps due to having to put up with much larger issues such as racism.

14. VIOLET



The template for Lucy in attitude and hell, even appearance; loosen the ponytail and she's everybody's favorite crabby ho. Eventually, student surpassed teacher and Violet found herself relegated to parroting lines that years ago would have been hers alone ("Yeah, hello stupid!") and was eventually sent to the same purgatory that Schulz created for Patty and Frieda when the challenge of making them intriguing got to be too daunting. Except...Violet had far more personality than Patty or Frieda, and could be found in such strip runs as comparing her father favorably to Charlie Brown's, or in great individual moments such as punching Charlie Brown out of frustration when he began explaining how you solve your problems without resorting to physical violence. Schulz would frequently berate his strip choices, ie, lamenting Pigpen's one-dimensional character becoming so popular. One of Schulz's undeniable errors, although one I never saw or heard the man himself give voice to, was the gradual phasing out of Violet. She and Lucy could have co-existed, and to the benefit of the latter, at that.

13. SCHROEDER


One-note piano wunderkind...okay, not literally. He sure could whip up a wicked "Jingle Bells". But was Schroeder his first name, or last name? Unrequited love, such as that Lucy felt for this oblivious ivories tickler, is almost always intriguing (even if only as a penetrating gaze into the heart and soul of the poor asshole on the yearning end), but this particular hopeless fondness grew positively inexplicable as Charles Schulz steadfastly refused to make Schroeder much more than an isolated prodigy obsessed with an ethereal mentor. Schroeder and Beethoven, there's your fuckin' unrequited love.

12. WOODSTOCK



So as the festival ended the 60s, the bird began the 70s. Yellow and mischievous, like the contents of the port-a-johns that met unfortunate ends at the Woodstock of the 90s, and certainly cuter. But having to have much of your humor come from another character (in this case, Snoopy) as he paraphrases your indecipherable straight-line gabble means you are overly dependent and thus can't rank too high in the JenntheBenn stakes. He gets this high, however, due to the fact that in the realm of overly dependent relationships, Snoopy & Woodstock is legendary. Inseparable, adorable, caring and unlikely...hey, just like me and my boyfriend!

11. SPIKE

Is he really brother to the world's most beloved beagle? Or is in fact this bedraggled, emaciated, desert-dwelling pooch really just another figment of the Mitty Puppy's wild imagination? This theory has been bandied about by a few of the strip's fans, most recently Whoopi Goldberg in the introduction to the Complete Peanuts 1959-1960. While Snoopy has had some of his craziest reveries aided and abetted by some of the neighborhood kids (think Marcie tending to the Flying Ace in her kitchen, I mean, French cafe), Spike has simply interacted with too many of them convincingly for the speculation to hold up. From Rerun's brief adoption of Spike as his own dog, Violet's outright rejection of the "part beagle, part disaster", to Lucy's taking to him as a project to indulge her inner nutritionist ("I'm nursing him back to health, stupid!"), this ragged vagabond is plenty real in the "Peanuts" sphere.

10. RERUN



Popping up in the 70s, the littlest Van Pelt was mildly confusing--why, he's like a mini-Linus! As the script approached its demise, this increasingly-popular character was getting to be too much like Linus in a very unfortunate way: Charles Schulz was getting older and older, and while his mind remained sharp in his vision for the strip, his drawing hand wavered, and Rerun would oftentimes resemble his big brother a little too much. The fans who stuck it out were treated to a sweet, fun-loving kid with the requisite curiousity and knack for the wry observation, one who was able to carry a later period animated special, "I Want a Dog For Christmas, Charlie Brown" (with the invaluable assist of an outstanding child voice actor and lines like, "Oooh! Supreme Court stuff!")

Personally, though, I will never forget my first exposure to Rerun through strip collections featuring him as the newest, smallest member of Charlie Brown's absurdly doomed baseball squad. Too small to pitch to, he walks in the winning run--"What's all the commotion about? We must be winning the Stanley Cup!" It is later revealed that the win must be forfeited; Rerun bet on the outcome with Snoopy.

9. PIGPEN

Above all, this young man is awesomely filthy. He was not always so; but then, he was. It became a source of pride; his dirt is the dirt of life. To gaze upon his perpetually soiled skin, to pass through his formidable dust clouds, is indeed to be part of the inexorable chain of history. Additionally, he gets a pass from hippies for providing late Grateful Dead keybman Ron McKernan with his sobriquet. Most personally, my eyeglasses have been christened "Pigpen" due to their annoying propensity towards uncleanliness.

8. OLAF



When you think of a dog from Minnesota, this is it. Fat Snoopy, and thus funny as all fat creatures are. If Larry and his bros. Darryl had a dog, it would be Olaf. The outstanding moment in Olaf history came upon winning an "Ugly Dog" contest Lucy entered him in, when the roly-poly beagle dealt with the humiliation by doing a header off Snoopy's doghouse, much to the owner's fright. Olaf explained that he always does that when he's depressed.

7. MARCIE



Booksmart, with little common sense. Much like this humble writer. Where I once burned water trying to make spaghetti, Marcie tried to waffle eggs. We both know the joy and pain of wearing glasses. We have both been accused of being lesbians. Only one us, however, had a "sir" to alternately idolize and condescend. The appearance of having no eyes to correct in the first place gives Marcie a stunning visual edge over other characters, and it is to her credit (and by extension, that of the artist, Mr. Schulz) that her smile is among the most warming things to be seen in a "Peanuts" strip.

And don't forget one of the great lines in the strip's history: "You are inordinately weird, sir." Used by me to this day.

6. LUCY



Arriving 2 years in, she never looked back. Would be even higher if not for the undeniable shrillness of her person. Matt Groening once proclaimed this maddeningly complicated bull-terrier-in-a-dress his favorite "Peanuts" character, and she's impossible to dislike, if only off the fact that a preteen girl has been rendered so meticulously human. Yearning for love? Yep. Looking for a fast nickel? The Doctor is REAL IN. Brutal to both boys and her own girl friends? Believe that. The stomping, stewing contradiction that was, is, and ever will be Lucy Van Pelt cannot be ignored. A great negative is her lack of doppelganger, effective upon the unceremonious dumping of her friend Violet from the strip. While it helps Lucy stand out as her own entity, it would have been nice to have her face some competition.

5. SALLY

Yeah, Sally has an unrequited love...they all fucking do! But her brother calls his oblivious amor "Little Red-Haired Girl", which is like calling an orgasm "Considerable Myotonic Reaction". Meanwhile, lil sis is on the hunt for her "Sweet Babboo", which is like baboon, or boob, and thus endlessly giggle-worthy.

Whereas Lucy has the hard-edged face and dark hair, Sally has a much rounder face and buoyantly blonde locks reflecting her younger age and wide-eyed naivete, the latter brought to wonderful life through her proclivity towards the murdering of the language. Sally has written earnest correspondence to "Mary Christmas" and "Samantha claus" and once told her class about "a very arrogant cowboy. He would only ride on pompous grass." To say she does not care about kings would be accurate indeed.

Most importantly, her heartwrenching emotions for Linus illustrate the antipodean appeal points of the "Peanuts" world: there is her gaping, naked-to-the-world affection greeted by his utter disgust. At no point do the kids "learn" to hold back, or "wake up" to the reality of the situation. In the face of hopelessness, at the feet of impossibility/implausibility, everybody remains steadfast. Admirable or asinine? For the answer, look to the next gang member on my list.

4. CHARLIE BROWN



The focus, the center, the beleagured axis of this macrocosm. No kid could ever look like him or dress like him, but they could sure as hell love and lose and mope like him. What shines about Chuck Biz in a world of innocence lost quicker and quicker is that in 50 years, he never gave up the quest. And it never really paid off. Sure, he hit a homerun to win a game once. But did he win the love of his young life, the "Little Red-Haired Girl"? Negative. Would he ever? Of course not. This failure about all others defined him and colored those brief moments of triumph; Charlie Brown was never thoughtless, in either sense of the term, even if the world around him seemed to be. Perspective was never this kids problem. He knew who he was, where he was, but he also grasped the importance of persistence and belief. How many of us would just choose a different path? Not Charlie Brown.

3. LINUS



You can just see Linus growing up to break hearts and being utterly torn up about it. If Linus has an animated decendent, it is Lisa Simpson. Two young children wise beyond their ken, sensitive souls seeking and searching, who remain tethered to the talismans of tykes: Lisa with her Malibu Stacy dolls and Linus with his dictionary-fattening "security blanket". The emotional turmoil of wanting to be older but needing to stay younger rages poignantly in both Linus and Lisa. So as Lisa is my favorite "Simpsons" character, Linus receives high marks here for providing Charlie Brown's reliable heart with a weary soul.

He is also the faithful preacher for "The Great Pumpkin", a Santa stand-in who provides Linus with the same crutch as all the other kids, but at his desire. The jolly fat man is someone the parents claim exists; Linus is telling everyone else about this magnificent fruit of benevolence. For stealing the fucking show out from under the round-headed kid in 2 of the first 3 animated specials, Linus Van Pelt gets a well-deserved bronze medal.

2. PEPPERMINT PATTY




I can never tell how popular PP is among fans, as she is not exactly love/hate; late additions don't generally inspire that level of feeling. Her cultural reimagining as an example of a cartoon lesbian is well-trod material, and hardly one of the reasons I put her in the runner-up slot. She mixes the bungling of Sally with the yearning of Charlie Brown and even adds in the athletic prowess ol' Blockhead wishes he had. To see a tomboy in a book or on the tv screen meant I saw me. I had no freckles, no neatly matched attire, no sandals, no father to call me "a rare gem", but Patty's passion for sports and upfront manner ("I'm a real swinger") were instantly relatable. As voiced on the specials (often by boys), her raspy, deeper-than-normal voice meant that now I heard a girl who had a "weird" way of talking, just like me.

She worried about being feminine and beautiful--she saw it as the be-all end-all when mired in her deepest moments of self-doubt. She loved someone who could never, ever love her back--and clashed with her best friend over it. She absolutely sucked at school--and agonized over it. It so many times felt like Schulz was inking my feelings.

Patricia Reichardt is the head of the "Peanuts" kids on my list, then, due to her brash personality, the way she stomped into the neighborhood and left it all on the pitchers mound. The fact that Marcie idolized her despite such brainfreezes as believing Snoopy was just a "weird-looking kid" whose doghouse was a guest cottage (and that's the most egregious example; need you be reminded of the time PP thought she graduated from private school early only to discover she had spent the past several weeks earning a diploma from an obedience school for dogs?) speaks to her status. But there can only be one #1.

1. SNOOPY




Behold, the simplest shit to understand EVER. Snoopy is king of "Peanuts", king of comic strips, king of dogs, king of cartoons, king of Japan. Relentlessly imaginative and hungry and cute--never underestimate the appeal of that last one--he is not just how you want your dog to be. He's how you want to be. Eternally cool, if not always hip; attractive, if not always good-looking; hilarious, if not always happy.

There are more than a few (Ken Tucker, "Entertainment Weekly") who point to the rise of Snoopy as the death of the strip. The beagle took off, and never landed. His face became synonymous with "Peanuts", right there with his owner, and some people wondered if all the plush dolls, figurines, posters, throw rugs, and toothpaste didn't dilute the strip somewhat.

It is true, "Snoopy Groupies" abound. I am a Snoopy fanatic; I find him the most comforting, endearing, joyous, huggable creature to ever be. Schulz drew him wonderfully (even the "banana nose" period) and fed his thought bubbles with radiant humor. The animated specials take on new life when the beagle gets his Joe Cool on, or takes to the skies against the Red Baron or, my favorite, when he smiles inexplicably as the kids fret about one thing or another. Snoopy at his peak is the greatest fictional character ever conceived.

Unfortunately, there are some who focus on the dog to the detriment of the lil folks. I have witnessed these people at Camp Snoopy, thoroughly unimpressed, if not outright befuddled, at the appearance of "Charlie Brown", this brave soul costumed to the nines and having to shrug with each "Where's Snoopy?" that gets asked by fat kids and their fatter parents. I wish all Snoopy Groupies would embrace the whole gang; that they don't is hardly the fault of Charles M. Schulz or United Media. The separate hysteria Snoopy can inspire only makes the 1. by his name that much more obvious.

Joe Cool, Flying Ace, vulture, Literary Ace, Legal Beagle, masked marvel, Easter beagle, pawpet performer, Flashbeagle, practically the entire animal kingdom...the roles he took on in the quest to be something more are so multitudinous as to justify another blog altogether. For the joy he has provided me, unabated, since I was knee-high to a cricket, Snoopy gets the #1 spot. Quaff a root beer for the greatest.


Charlie Brown Snoopy Peanuts