Thursday, 12/20--12 PM to 1 PM
"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," Andy Williams
Rich, dulcet tones! That cliche was born in the brain of some poor writer trying to express the bliss that melted their dendritic spine upon listening to Mr. Williams. So warm, so sweet, it just compels me to run outside, drop down, and start making pavement angels like a dumb-ass.
My most wonderful Christmas was 1984. Just the day before I had been knocked out by a nasty stomach virus that prevented me from enjoying any of the Christmas Eve festivities at my childhood home. But come the next morn, I was sitting right there by the tree, opening presents and downing multiple mini-cans of grapefruit juice.
My least wonderful Christmas was 2010, which I spent hungover. I really should have known better than to let my brother goad me into that drinking competition.
"Silver Bells," Martina McBride
All you country bitches sound alike to me. So do all y'all hat-donning, chaw-chomping, arsenal-stockpiling fellas. This is a cheese pizza left out in the rain, but it'll be okay, 'cause everyone in the city of Nashville has that friggin' recipe, unchanged since 1936.
"Let It Snow," Dean Martin
The snow around the Martin homestead was always stained a rich Kentucky brown. Deanie's not as out of his skull on the good stuff as on, say, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," but he's still dropping g's and elongating meaningless syllables like nobody's business.
"Deck the Halls/The Twelve Days of Christmas," Kenny G
If Kenny G had never put himself on his own album covers, he'd never accumulated half the negative rep he has in certain chilled circles. The man is now as ever a purveyor of inoffensive background music.
"All I Want For Christmas Is You," Mariah Carey
"I can't stand Mariah Carey. Never have been able to."
"I remember when she first came out, with that 'Vision of Love' song. And it was like okay, she can sing. No question about that. But it's all just dime-a-dozen R and B, who really needs it?"
"And here we are, twenty years later, and she's still a superstar."
"And she even had the gall to do a Christmas song that they play all the time on the radio, and in stores, just raping our ears with that stupid crap!"
"Yeah. I'm going to have to ask you to leave my home."
"Christmas Eve/Sarajevo," Trans-Siberian Orchestra
The story behind this song is much heavier than the actual track, itself a somewhat clever medley.
This is better known perhaps as that SUPER FUCKING DRAMATIC GUITAR ORCHESTRA SONG. Preferable to Mannheim Steamroller's music made for boring middle-class people, but really, few things aren't.
"There's No Place Like Home For the Holidays," Perry Como
The Carpenters did the definitive version, but oh well, the radio hates me. I always liked the lyrics use the word "terrific" in its less popular sense.
"The Christmas Song," Nat King Cole
There's nothing creepy, or anachronistic, about this one. It's the essential holiday song to me, more so than "White Christmas," and no one did it more justice than Mr. Cole.
"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," Darlene Love and Ronnie Spector
This should not suck. But it does. Additionally, it swallows. Pour acid on a ferret, y'all, Christmas is dead.
"Frosty the Snowman," Willie Nelson
I can only imagine what kinda "magic" Willie keeps in his hats.
"Christmas Waltz," The Lettermen
"Santa's on his way/He's filled his sleigh with things." Oh goodie, I love things! Again, the Carpenters own this, the most self-aware Christmas song yet written.
"O Holy Night," Richard Marx
"O Holy Night" is a beautiful tune that dates back to the 19th century. The brilliant melody--calling for a soaring quality that is by turns delicate and mighty--has attracted multitudinous singers, including some of the best voices to ever bless a record. Enrico Caruso, Whitney Houston, Johnny Mathis, Nat King Cole. And this is the one Wash-FM plays for me right now. Mr. "Right Here Waiting." GET OFF THE STAGE.
"Winter Wonderland," Jason Mraz
Mr. A to the Z is all about the snow play! Asshole. Thank Jebus I'm not eating till after I'm done this segment. So much pizza, wasted. Is he doing some call-and-response ala "Yellow Submarine" with himself? Dear Lord.
"Joy to the World," Anne Murray
She's like the country Annie Lennox. More with the hair than anything, Annie Lennox is a far superior singer.
"This Christmas," Harry Connick, Jr.
If I played this at a party and people didn't catapult shit at me, I'd wonder out loud if I really had any friends at all.
What a dreadful way to end Day 2! To go out on a cheerier note, here's a picture of me from that infamous Christmas Day 1984, co-starring my slumping older brother and my mother with her technicolor nightmare robe.